Friendship What Is That

[aloneagainnaturally]

Hi,

I don't know how to make best friends or friends really, I know lots of people, I tend to have acquaintances not friends, I have a great wife and child.

I am 63 and I have bever had a best friend since high school really, I do lots of things to meet people, I was actively involved with my local football clubs, became vice president, coached teams for over 45 years, played in teams for over 50 years.  I still referee in my local area, joined their committee, but left it after a couple of years, realising this wasn't helping get a friend. 

I volunteered at my daughter's schools on a regular basis, helped in class when needed, been involved in various commitees to organise fetes, open days, debating, sport, etc,  but I have never been able to make a friend, let alone a best friend.

I used to go watch my favourite football team on my own, was a club member but stopped that and used to go movies, moveis my wife and/or daughter didn't want to see, on my own, but stopped that over 15 years ago, as I realised I didn't like going by myself and everyone else I saw was with other people. Missed my team playing in a Grand Final when I really wanted to be their person, now I only watch on TV.

I have never been invited for a coffee or a lunch, outside a work situation, or go see a football game or something else, i have never when walking past a coffee shop and seen people i know been asked to join them, I have seen that happen to other people. I often go to coffee shops and sit by myself and people watch, sometimes I'll see someone I know, occasionally they join me if I ask, most times they give an excuse they can't, meetinng someone else, never asked to join them. 

My wife and daughter have many friends and close friends, I just don't understand how they do it or how it works, or why people don't want to be a my friend. We have discussed it many times.

I have never had a real birthday party, besides the odd family parties, 40th, 50th and 60th, which i did not want, because you need friends to invite. I refused my parents offer for a 21st because i thought it was lame just to have family there, when every other 21st i had been to, the person had lots of friends there.

How do you get friends, I don't understand what is wrong with me.

[james1]

Hello aloneagainnaturally,

I am probably not the best person to answer because I don't even know how to make friends either. But I did want to reply because I understand that odd loneliness that comes with having acquaintances and perhaps even having an otherwise good social life, yet missing something important.

I think it's really hard to make friends as an adult as everyone already has friends and they are busy. Which should be some comfort, if it weren't for the fact that some people still seem to make friends really easily as adults. So I don't really know.

You mentioned you've discussed it many times with your wife and daughter. Was there anything from those discussions that you wanted to share or thought were insightful for your particular situation?

James

[aloneagainnaturally]

Thank you for your reply James, they just said invite, keep in contact, i have tried all that, but it only ever seems to be on my part, never on theirs, so i decide they don't want to be in contact with me so I stop, I never get an invite.

[james1]

Hello aloneagainnaturally 

sorry about my late reply. I have been trying to get myself organised for an overseas trip and haven’t been able to check back, so I hope it doesn’t feel like I’ve left you hanging.

it sounds really disheartening to be in your position where you have been putting in the effort but nobody seems to be reciprocating. I do think that some people have an easier time than others with making friends and I don’t really know what the solution is. I suppose the “correct” answer would be to just keep trying because eventually you’ll find someone who you can connect with, but that is exhausting and demoralising when it doesn’t seem to work. 

The way I go about things is to try and get more value out of the relationships I already have, and to find enriching things to do when I am on my own. For example, I try to come here a few times a week to talk to strangers that I can actually form a connection with. Many of the brief conversations and discussions I have here end up being more fulfilling than the majority of friendships I’ve had in the past, because I feel people like you and others on the forum have an understanding of my life through our similar and shared experiences. Of course, it’s not the same as an in person friendship, but i think its just as helpful to my life overall, and gives me something nice while I continue to try and make new friends.

not sure if any of that is something you might be able to relate to, or otherwise have thoughts on?

james