Flare up with no obvious trigger

[Struggling_Mumma1]

I am new to this site and honestly didn't know anything like this existed.

I was diagnosed with reactive depression a few years ago following a DV situation and have managed to keep things fairly under control but find myself having a flare up with no obvious trigger. It has only been a few days so far but I am already exhausted and it's starting to affect so many aspects of my life. The confusion at not knowing the trigger just adding to the angst.

Apart from the obvious wanting to cry from dawn to dusk, the anxiety I am experiencing whenever I have to leave the house is crippling and causing ongoing pain in my chest and stomach which is just adding to the despair.

I am not able to have any time off work so I am hiding out in an office praying that nobody tries to talk to me, only venturing out when it's absolutely necessary. I don't feel comfortable talking to colleagues about what's going on (especially when I don't understand it myself) so I am feeling very alone and vulnerable at the moment.

My GP isn't entirely helpful with mental health issues either so I find myself having to wait another two days until her colleague is working so I can see her and talk through my options this time around. In the meantime, I am very lucky to have a friend (also has mental health issues) who I have been able to talk things through with, although with it being a fairly new friendship, there is also the guilt of using this person as a bit of a "crutch" when we're still getting to know each other.

Hopefully chatting to the GP gets me off to a good start and I can start moving on with things and functioning normally again.

[Cornstarch]

My sister is in a 'respectable profession', called me sobbing, locked in her office, high up in a skyscraper in Sydney, asking me 'why it still hurts so much', 14 years after escaping our own 24/7 DV situation.

The fact is you're already triggered.

There's not really anything to be gained in looking for the 'trigger point'.

The most important thing to remember is that today, and over the weekend, the questioning of your goodness and worthiness has come to the surface, and will be vulnerable and open to attack.

And yes, you will feel alone, because you were all alone - then. 😞

Corn bread

[Struggling_Mumma1]

Hey, thanks for the perspective. Definitely gave me something to think about. Got the doctor visit in the morning so hopefully one step closer to getting on the road to recovery.

[GeminiGirl]

I hope you're feeling a bit better and can find a doctor who understands what you're going through.

Don't bash yourself up about having reactions to DV. I'm still going through hell at times and it's now almost 40 years ago that I left that horrid man.

You are very lucky to have a friend who you can talk to. I have one of those too but when I'm really bad with depression/anxiety, my GP is the one I phone. He's one in a million.

I wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself.

Bev.

[Cornstarch]

I hope your appointment goes well. Just like mental health issues domestic violence does not discriminate.

Who wouldn't be experiencing a dose of reactive depression. That is completely normal.

The part in the post where I knew this person has chipped your worthiness is that you are now questioning your worthiness of support. Your friend at work, they're not a crutch, they're a friendly ear in an absurd society, dominated by middle class so called manners that chooses to not voice this sort of stuff.

You haven't mentioned if you are still with this person or not. But if you are, that will make it even more difficult.

In my experience, abusive people become even more abusive when they've 'been sprung'. It may not happen over night but once the realisation simmers down that their fake persona and lies are no longer a secret, they will lash out again.

They may start off with the oldest trick in the abusive person's book which is to deride your family and friends so that they can regain control over you and never have to look inward. They will bag them out, talk rubbish, make stuff up or just get nasty. The intimacy you once experienced with this person is also their artillery, because it will pull at the heart strings and stupid you, of course you are responsible for the pain in their life. Stupid you. And their pain is worse than everyone else's pain, they cannot survive without you, you hold the key to their ability to go on living. Apparently.

You have to have realistic expectations of your emotional life.

This will probably need attention for a while, and of course it can become a vicious cycle if you're not careful. Luckily the public are slowly becoming more aware of domestic violence so being believed will not be a problem.

The hardest person to convince that it is real is you.

Good luck.

[Cornstarch]

If kids/young people are involved........that's where I would start involving more professionals than a GP, maybe the police, a social worker.

Because threats to life; yours, even theirs, or whoever, are very damaging to children's psyche's.

[Struggling_Mumma1]

Morning All,

Thank you once again for your support and understanding. It means the world.

Saw the GP yesterday and she was amazing. We discussed my options and agreed with medication initially to help address any chemical imbalances over the next few weeks before I go back to do an updated Mental Health Care Plan. We even went through some basic breathing exercises to help me when I start to feel overwhelmed. I know it's going to be a long road and I need to be patient, it's just nice to have that starting point.

Day one of meds and i'm feeling very average but it's only a low dose so I know it could be a lot worse.

Not with the DV partner anymore, managed to escape that life a very long time ago, and luckily didn't have any children with that person so one less thing to worry about.

Thanks again.

[Cornstarch]

Thanks for getting back to us Struggling_Mumma, not that you are pressured to, or required to give anything of yourself here, or anywhere else for that matter. But I'm a sook, with DV I always like to be reassured everyone is OK!

It sounds like you've acknowledged its real-ness, which is a massive step. It's hard to put into words the humiliation of DV isn't it.

My Mum will never recover, and we will always struggle to some degree. While suffering DV we simultaneously suffered form the 'middle class gaze', that says those sorts of things do not happen in these sorts of families. Middle class expectations are the perfect smoke screen. Only increases the shame.

Sending you white light today. A loving partner could help heal these hurts. They're out there somewhere!

[Struggling_Mumma1]

Unfortunately today is not a good day. I have been on the medication for just over a week now and although the initial side-effects are starting to wane, today is the lowest I've felt in awhile.

I am sitting here unsure if I want to cry or fall asleep - or both.

I am trying to hide it the best I can - to the point of over exaggerating - because I feel that the people around me just don't get it.

I just want to feel normal again, but am worried that after filtering myself for so long, I don't even know what my normal is anymore.

[Cornstarch]

I'm sorry you're struggling at the mo. It kind of creeps up on you at times. I remembered some things today that I naively thought I had buried. Alas no, the memories come if you want them to or not.

You're probably going to feel like a chemistry lab for sometime while your body adjusts, but only your doctors can help you with the medical side of things unfortunately, so maybe re-check in with them.

On the broken spirit front - there is a march/walk in Sydney tomorrow night for domestic violence. I participated in the same event in regional Australia back in 2014 I think it was. And guess what? When we got to the end we had cans of beer thrown at us from delightful citizens jeering us as 'pathetic'. Heart warming stuff.

Let's wet people with sticky beer hops of humiliation because the first time they were humiliated wasn't strong enough.

I was chatting to a guy a little bit older than me this week and he was telling me how his female partner used to hit him. They've just broken up.

His hands were shaking and his jaw was trembling and I just felt sick. The embarrassment of disclosing something that was 'not meant to happen to men' was palpable.

You're not alone Struggling_Mumma.

People from all walks of life are experiencing/ hiding this in secret.

xxx