It's taken me years to get to this point, and a couple of hours just to get the wording right, but I think I'm ready to finally say it out loud (or rather 'type' it out loud, so to speak).
I have depression. I feel worthless, unlovable, completely lacking in energy and enthusiasm, and I can't remember the last time I felt happy.
I have very low self worth - I've stopped going out with friends, and often find excuses not to go out with my workmates because I am very introverted and get exhausted by social contact very quickly. I also find it difficult to make new friends, and have never been in a proper relationship because I don't feel like I'm worth loving. Every time I get close I pull away, because I'm scared they'll find out how unlovable I am (and in the case of relationships I feel like I would be preventing them from being with someone that deserves their love).
I've never been suicidal, but constantly fantasize about flying away - changing my name and becoming a new person. I know that won't 'fix' me, but I feel such cognitive dissonance between my ideal and real self, I feel like a fraud, and I don't feel like I am who I should be.
I don't expect anyone to fix me, least of all on an online forum, but I'm too scared to talk to someone about my feelings. I'm about to apply for a 2 year VISA to the UK , and I'll admit that a part of me is worried that a doctor would talk me out of it (I've been wanting to do this for over a decade, and it's honestly the only thing I've been excited about in a long time), but more importantly, I get very defensive and hate talking about myself, a one on one conversation is my idea of hell. Even thinking about going to the doctor and saying all of this out loud makes me feel anxious.
Having finally gotten that all out, I don't feel like I've even scratched the surface. I hope it all makes sense
