Feeling really down for no particular reason

[crystloak]

Hi everyone  I just need to connect.  I have been feeling really depressed for the past 3 weeks in the lat week i feel like I've a hit a low low. At times I feel angry but mostly I just feel like I don't want to be around anyone because I've my low mood and lack of spark .To be honest I feel like I will infect them with darkness . I've had Anxiety and depression in the past more anxiety and had a ptsd diagnosis 10 yrs but I've been fine for the past few years . This time it's surprised me how quickly I've slid down the dark slide . I have struggled with this time of the year xmas for the past 20 years . I honestly  feel like I just don't want to burden anyone anymore and I know I dint want to feel this way . I like functioning . At the moment I'm struggling to even care if I shower eat or get out of bed. Art keeps me going .

I have a husband and grandkids but struggle to feel part of their lives. I think I just need to voice this somewhere that others understand.  

[quirkywords]

Crystal oak, I hear you. This time if is very difficult for many,I assume your husband and grandkids would not notice as you are struggling. You keep trying for them.

Would you like to tell me more about your art and hope it helps.

Is there a local doctor you could talk to.

, or a help line. 1300664636 beyond blue where a trained counsellor can talk to you.

You are not alone and we are listening. 

[bb2005]

Good morning sister, stay strong. I feel the exact same way as you, that I exist solely to harm others with, in your words, my darkness and burden people's lives. I hope it comforts you to know that not only are you not alone in this struggle, but speaking from experience I once thought that I was right. I was overwhelmed with so many people, many of whom I didn't even consider to be close to me, so concerned about my safety as to sacrifice their sleep to track me down and alert emergency services. I know it's difficult to believe right now, but you're so lucky to have a husband who loves you and more people care about you than you would think. Love and kind thoughts from Brandon.

[therising]

Hi crystloak

My heart goes out to you as you suffer through what those in your life can't fully relate to. Can feel like such a lonely experience in many ways.

Such an intensely triggering time of year for those who observe other people's happiness yet suffer so much through their own sadness. In some ways it can also be angering. Whether I'm angry with myself, for not finding ways to be happy (hard to do when a depression won't let you find the ways) or angry with others for not helping me raise myself in ways that I can feel (raising my spirits, level of consciousness as to why I can be suffering etc), the anger can be a hard one to manage and make sense of.

I used to think 'self understanding' and 'self development' were basic kind of abstract things, until I came to realise how incredibly complex they are. For example, from the beginning of the year until now, we could have tolerated and managed 999 significant triggers that really tested us, some obvious and some not at all obvious. Then the 1000th trigger comes and we fall intensely into that depression while questioning 'What's wrong with me?'. With greater self understanding, there is a sense of pride for having managed the 999 triggers that led up to the tipping point. We could have managed a year with a lack of the kind of inspiration that makes a difference. We could have managed hundreds of exhausting challenges up until finally feeling pure exhaustion. We could have managed depressing internal dialogue until it finally wore us down. We could have been managing a lack (such as a lack of having been given the skills to deal with certain elements of life), until we just can't manage with the lack. We could have been managing so much in so many different ways yet not see it.

If it was up to me, I'd celebrate those who manage so hard. I'd celebrate such endurance, such resilience within exhaustion, such determination to keep on going, such a longing for answers with few answers gifted within such a quest (time of questioning). What I would not do is ask 'What's wrong with you? Why can't you be happy?'.

I've found the 'quick slide' aspect to be an interesting one. Can be surrounded by depressing elements and not fully feel them. The tipping point is the point were they're finally felt.