Feeling off

[inais]

First post so hello everyone. And pre warning that I'm not great at explaining things.

At 32 I've just begun my second fresh start in 6 years. I took myself 2k km from my friends and family with a partner, then when things failed in that relationship, I persisted 2 years til now after saving some money and really trying to rebuild myself. Rebuilding included Drs, Phsyciatrists, meds, exercise ect.

For those two years I was unhappy. And potentially very lonely. So much so that even now I fly solo and so use to my own company as I never had any support network.

I have so many issues banked up, that I didn't know about until my whole routine was changed in coming here. Naturally, I'm a stress head. I've also since Xmas last year not been on meds as the ones that seemed to work I grew somewhat immune to after 14months.

Anyways, that's a bit of my history. There's much more detail in a lot of blanks. But it seems that I rebuilt nothing until this new move.

My point of this thread. After reading these pages for a few weeks, not really knowing how or what to say, or if I should even bother. Is that I'm feeling very off, or done, or exhausted.

I have no ties. Technically I'm free as, and a lot of people say they wish they were in my shoes. But they don't know my insides and what goes on there.

So here I am. Fresh start. I've gone backwards. Crying when I cook a meal again, scared to go to the shops, having panic attacks when I see work uniforms and how I'm unemployed - yet way too not together to be able to even sit an interview. I refuse to centre link. I came here by choice after leaving a job.

Ive never really had beliefs in how society is run. I've lost my motivation, even to enjoy little things. My attention span is short, restless, even sitting here writing this make me want to delete it and just not even bother cause it takes time.

I tried opening up a few times. But I just seem to get categorized and it frustrates me.

I guess my question is. What do I do now? I'm honestly exhausted from the last rebuild which feels like it was a waste. I feel purposeless and a waste myself with no energy to rise again.

Not how I wanted my fresh start to begin at all.

Thank you for sitting through that. I really appreciate anyone listening.

[white knight]

Hi inais, welcome, you expressed yourself well.

I'm 62yo. You remind me so much of me when younger. I'd like to think I have the answer but first just a little about my ride in life.

Between 21 and 29yo I left society I think 4 times. I'd pack up my motorcycle and ride to the Victorian mountains with the aim of never returning. Hunting...what ever it took to survive. This was a total reversal from my working life in the city. I was a warder, PI, ranger etc, so successful jobs but I knew there was something wrong.

After 5 or so days I'd return to the city and take up where I left off. Realistically I had to find the midway point of my existence, where I'd be content and exist better than in the bush. I found it- in the form of 2-3 hours from the city. That gave me a connection with my friends and family if I needed it and it gave me a country life where contact with locals is more personal and reassuring, where people rely on each other more. Before long a farmer needed a helping hand and part time work came from many of them, carting hay or mending fences.

So what I needed was a less extreme answer to my coping problems.

Please google this thread.

Topic: you want to be a hermit?- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

I would also keep regular your check ups with your GP and reconsider your meds situation. Thanks for posting and listening. I hope I've helped. I'm glad you posted. It's free and easy here.

Repost anytime

Tony WK