Feeling buried

[lil1205]

Sorry if this is a long post, but I feel like expressing this will at least do me some good mentally.

(Put it out in the universe and all that)

Since I was a teenager, I have felt like I struggle with my mental health.

I lost half of my immediate family members before my first birthday and puberty hit me hard hormonally, to the point that my mother had considered having me tested for Bipolar Disorder. 

As a teenager, I was not kind to myself mentally or physically but I got through it and grew. 

Upon pregnancy, my anxiety grew worse and did not ease very much after.

I have always been prone to being irritable, over reacting, shutting myself off and putting myself last.

Now as an adult in my 30's, I have a family of my own but each day is feeling like more of a struggle. 

I have family history of depression, so I am aware that genetically this is a possibility for me as well. 

At present, I feel like my brain is always going and I struggle to switch off unless I am distracted by something engaging like games. 

When I do switch off outside of this, I sometimes feel like the world is too much. (For example, If i have a slow day at work.)

My life consists of full time work, a mortgage, family and the struggles of other close family members. I have had my anxiety grow and the feeling of hopelessness expand since my teens though.

I know that I should be seeking the mental health sessions that we are lucky enough to have access to through medicare, but my worry is that it will cost money that i do not have or that i will be required to take time off work to attend, which i cannot do. 

My brain reminds me that I have felt this way for 2 decades (With therapy as a teen experienced) and that therapy is not really seeming like a realistic resolution long term. I know my life is not bad or harder than others and that more than likely, I have some chemical imbalance in my brain. Mentally, i feel like i handle things just fine but then body betrays that with things such as my eye twitching or feeling anxious at random or the desire to just cry and I feel like I'm 10 steps back. 

I personally feel that therapy long term may not resolve this. It was reinforced more so as I was prescribed an old antidepressant for my jaw clenching (New mouth guard had made it worse) and while it was only for 2 weeks, my brain felt lifted.

I know I need to seek help and that most will agree that a long term solution is not medication. 

I worry that I will try to get help and just be told to come see them every fortnight indefinitely, to which all I can repeat is I had a random anxiety or depressive moment and that everything is fine but I don't feel it. 

I think in my mind, I just want a mental break from my brain and to just feel free and at peace for a bit. 

Thank you for letting me express myself on here. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to put all of that into words. It sounds like you've been carrying so much for so long, and it's completely understandable that you'd want some relief.

In your post I noticed you said that your life is not bad or harder than others. I would say that if things make life for you overwhelming and difficult to deal with, then you deserve support.

I also understand some people can be unresponsive to professional help.

Even though it might feel overwhelming, seeking help doesn’t mean committing to something forever, but it can offer tools to manage the weight you’re feeling day to day. It’s okay to want that mental break—you deserve peace.

Whatever steps you take, remember that it’s about finding what works best for you. Take care of yourself. If you want to chat more, I'm listening ...