Feeling alone and disconnected

[Vanilla]

Hi there,

I am new to the online forums.

I have anxiety, depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I would like to share my experiences of having mental illness as Im feeling alone and want someone to hear me.

I have been aware of my anxiety for about the past 4 years. I feel it may have been around before hand but hard to know when you engage in activities that alter your mind and behaviours.

Anxiety hit me hard at my last workplace. I was bullied and overworked. The job itself was a stressful occupation.  I eventually found myself unable to function well at work and this is when I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I sought professional help and after battling to go to work each day, I eventually resigned. 

My relationship of 10 years with my fiance was also under pressure.  I wasnt sure if I was in love with the person and they decided to end it as they felt happier on their own and not having to worry about me.  They also knew of my uncertainties so perhaps didnt want to risk investing themselves in a relationship which may not have had a future anyway.

Thankfully, my parents offered to accomodate me and support me financially in some ways.  I have slowly built up a network of support in my new community and have learnt tools which I can use to help me with feelings of anxiety,depression and intrusive thoughts.

 The thing that I'm struggling with most is the intrusive thoughts.  They can last for days, even months and cause a lot of anxiety for me.  I wish I could better manage these thoughts as they make me unhappy and can sometimes be too overpowering for me to battle. 

The Christmas period has been difficult for me as some of my usual support network is not available.  My partner used to encourage and support me a lot and remind me of my strengths.  I miss that kind of support and I feel he was my cheer squad.I feel like not many people just 'listen'. 

Its now been about 4 years of therapy for me with different professionals and spiritual work in the years before that.  I feel as though I work so hard on myself and I want recognitiion for that.  Perhaps I need to start being my own cheer squad...

On the rare day I will feel connected with life, which makes me most happy.  Everyday I feel anxious for most of the day, with my anxiety going up and down.  I also experience periods of depression. 

Ideally, I would like to come off my meds, and be a more confident and happier person.

Thank you. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Vanilla

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

It's such a tough battle and hard journey that we face when we suffer from depression, anxiety and other mental illness issues.  You'd like to think that we could just be "gifted" with one - but no, if you suffer from one issue, there's a strong likelihood that you'll be matched up with another and so the battle becomes even bigger.

I'm sorry to hear of the breakdown of your relationship - after such a long time, that's always very difficult.

It is good though to hear that you do have "some" sources of support that you've developed, which is very encouraging.  But yes, at this particular time of year, it can be harder for so many different reasons - not least of all is when some people aren't around or available to lean on in times of need.  I'm sensing that this is one of the things that is happening for you at the moment?

Just reading your post again, you should feel very proud of yourself for what you've accomplished over these last 4 years - as you said, all the different types of therapy and other outlets that you've sought out.  That can take a helluva lot of effort and you have been strong enough to chase those up for yourself.  Strong because when you're feeling ultra low and crap, it's hard to do these kinds of things, but at the same time, we need to do it, in order to help ourselves.  So I say well done to you.

Also, yes the listening part is not often a forth-coming option for friends or even family - while they "may" listen, it's the understanding that is often not there.  But on this site, is where you can write things and we do understand, because we're all battling our own issues as well.

I'm glad you've come here and I do hope that you'll post again.

Kind regards

Neil

[Natarsha]

Hi Vanilla,

I know what you mean about the thoughts in your head. I wish I could turn mine off. I have been off work caring for my husband for 6 months now and I know I need the distraction of work to keep my mind busy on other thoughts like what I need to achieve at work and what I need to do when I am not at work. By the time I have done that then I am too tired to let any negative self talk get through. My first goal for 2015 is to go back to work and the next goal is to organise a family holiday in Tasmania.

Have you tried setting any immediate goals for 2015?