Feeling a surge of desperation....

[Sharny]

Hello,

I wanted to say prior to writing that I feel hesitant in joining up again because sometimes I'm not equipped at handing out advice or guidance to others and so I feel when I post that I could look like the post blurt lady that does not care about anyone else!! I can tell you I do, but rather I am thinking of how my reply might affect the other person to their posts particularly since I feel mental illness is a personal journey affecting people very differently and there is no one size fits all answer to lots of it. That's how I've found my journey, trials, peaks, troughs and self testing different therapies etc. Sometimes I feel even though I've had a long history of illness that I'm hesitant in giving advice so would like to just let the person know I am listening and care!

I've been off the forum for a month now due to my own decline. This past week has seen a cognitive shift in my brain leaving me a bit shaky. I've had morbid thoughts again and have not taken care of any of my own therapy apart from herbal remedies for 3 weeks. It has impacted me greatly. I've eaten wrong, been going to bed at 1am and then up at 5:30am, my meditation has been twice weekly instead of every day. Last week my son heard me saying to myself I'm not worthy, he asked me why am I so hard on myself?

At the moment I'm trying hard to stock up again on healthy food, yoga, meditation and exercise before I slid down the hill. Recently I was awarded recognition for a family fete I organised for which the school made $10,000. My contribution again toward being a decent human being.

After all the years of trying to show my children how functional I am, I've realised finally my brain can't cope and I've put my own family on dicey ground. My son told me I don't need to prove anything, he is older now and I can't hide stressors from him. I'm angry at myself because I can't keep up. I've let everything slide to become what? A volunteer with passion.

I'm angry that I can't get the courage to tell people I'm resigning next year because I suffer Bipolar and can't do it. I received compliments for my efforts but those people don't know my inner battle.

I hate the way I'm 'planning' my exit speech already instead of just being able to tell them. I mean just for the sake of my family the community can't be told of my mental illness. It's like torture.

Sorry for the destructive ramble.

Sharny.

[Guest_3072]

Hi Sharny and welcome back to the forums!

I think that everyone has something to offer and so you shouldn't beat yourself up so much about it. Even offering your support and letting someone else know that you care about what they are going through can be of great help on here.

I feel like everyone has set backs and its a part of getting to where we want to be. We all slip up because none of us are perfect and as long as we continue to get back on the bandwagon, that's what matters, right?

I think it's great that you're doing things like yoga and meditation and eating healthy, if anything it shows that you care enough about yourself and your body. Have you heard of the phrase "health is the first wealth"? I mean, without our own health, it's hard to help others but at the same time its all about finding that balance between helping others and also looking after yourself.

You don't need to apologise for rambling, everyone needs to express themselves and can use a little help so don't worry about it.

In terms of you resigning next year, try not to be so stressed out about it. If the community truly loves and supports you, they won't care about the reasons as much as remember about the contribution you made.

Gabby

[Carmela]

Hi Sharny, the Beyondblue forums are for sharing. You are not obliged to give advice. Please don't place the unnecessary pressure on yourself. You sound like a wonderful person giving yourself freely to help others. It sounds like you do you bit plus more.

Be kind to yourself and see your self worth. You are giving of yourself but hard on yourself as well. Even without depression, you can't be expected to do more than is required and that includes when you are not well. Your son sounds like a real little champion. Listen to his words as he is telling you to be kind to yourself and don't stress the small stuff. Our children can be so wise at times. They are a reminder of the simplicity of life.

In relation to how to tell work why you are leaving - you may be surprised at how many others around you are suffering with some form of mental illness, including people at work. Unfortunately you need to do what is comfortable for you and your family. I make no place in my heart for stigma and will speak openly and honestly about it. Some people react the way l expected but there have been others that rise to the occasion and provide support and love.

I hope you find peace Sharny and enjoy the time away from work to bring the focus back to your self care and worth. Enjoy the time with your children as they grow so fast and we later wonder, where the time has gone.

Carmela

[Sharny]

Hi Gabby and Carmela,

Thank you both for your replies that means so much. I can be very hard on myself, that's so easy to do. It's only my own expectation that placed myself in this situation trying to resurface and discover what I can offer in the community whilst dealing with mental illness. I obviously am too prone to reacting to the stressors and because I place high expectations on what I think I should achieve it's caused vulnerability in myself.

I've taken the plunge this week and told two ladies of my decision to see the remainder of this year out but I won't be returning next year. They were dissapointed and I thought privately in my own mind how much easier it would be to give them a real reason. Of course, I can't bring myself to letting them know of my mental illness. I feel it just causes too much anguish for myself considering one of my children attends this school and families that attend my other childs High School know us well too. I went to bed the other night feeling frustrated inside because as I was standing on my balcony watching outward I felt lonely not being able to tell the truth of my illness. I know how much I'd stress if they knew so I keep quiet.

[Kazzl]

Hi Sharny, sorry you're struggling so much hun. I really understand, this is cruel illness. I think I've said to you before that whether you disclose it is entirely your decision, and I mean that. As I think I've also said, I'm open about it. The jury's out on whether that's a good move, particularly at work, but I do know for me it is easier than keeping it secret.

Things can grow much bigger in our minds when we keep them hidden, and it's hard, lonely work always making excuses. Well, it is for me.

Don't forget hun, this is a chronic medical condition, most likely genetic. It's not from anything we've done or not done. We're no lesser people because we're bipolar. We just have an illness we have to manage, like someone with diabetes or another chronic physical illness. There is no shame!

Only you know your family, kids and community ... but can you trust them enough to let them know you? I'm not judging hun, not by a long shot. I just know it's easier for me not keeping my illness as a dark secret.

Very best to you Sharny

Kaz