Everything is a struggle

[geelt]

I have no hope for the future because all there awaits is struggle and disappointment. So much negativity and pain where all you can do is hold it in and sigh because nothing is in your control. Even sighing is enough to get other people to complain about you. Can't show any emotions or people will complain and use your words against you and make up scenarios in their heads. Even with all the blessings and fortune I have I'm still struggling. 

Getting support won't change how I feel about the world. Its just an endless circle of being referred to place after place. I can't expect other people to fix my life but I'm just apathetic towards even building a good future for myself now. At times it feels like the world is deliberately trying to drag me down and make me miserable.

I'm too afraid to try anything now, I'm too afraid of running into people that make me miserable. I can only find peace if I isolate and hide from the world. Its better to be in my own company than run into people that make me miserable. I know this is wrong and I know I can't keep this up forever but I'm terrified of the world now and its only getting worse. I wish I could be left alone and not have to interact or deal with people.

I spoke with a counselor and they suggest I join a study program which I was hesitant about but against better judgement I decided to give it ago because what was the worst that could happen. I didn't do enough research about the program and it was not the kind of program I thought it was. I couldn't handle 2 days of sitting in a room with loud people swearing and making a ruckus, its been 4 months since then and I can't get it out of my head. It's so frustrating that I can't get these things out of my head.

A couple of days ago I decided to catch the bus and go to a different library for a change of pace because I wasn't feeling so great. It was okay and I felt a little better getting out of the house. On the bus ride home there were some people being loud and annoying. Then one of them threw a peach pit at my head and I was so baffled. I was so tired and sick of everything but all I could do was sigh. People can be so inconsiderate and puzzling, its so tiring. My hair was so sticky and gross it was disgusting, then I got lobbed again by a candy bar.

I want to get mad, I want to get angry and scream but it all feels pointless. Being happy feels pointless, getting upset feels pointless. It all feels pointless, I can't escape other people or myself.

[ViolettaZ]

Hi my friend,

It sounds like you've been carrying an incredible amount of frustration, exhaustion and hopelessness for a long time. After everything you've described, I can understand why you feel so tired of dealing with people.

And honestly, having someone throw a peach pit and then a candy bar at you on the bus sounds incredibly upsetting. You didn't deserve that. I can understand why that experience added to the feeling that the world is unpredictable and unsafe.

I also don't think you need to force yourself to feel positive right now. You're allowed to be angry, frustrated and disappointed. Your feelings don't need to be justified to deserve some space. Do you feel like your senses are particularly sensitive at the moment? If so, I’ve found that wearing noise-cancelling headphones can be really helpful.

In addition, when people are feeling down, we can become wired to focus on the negative things happening around us. Our brains may then interpret these things as a sign of bad luck or as a sense that we’ve lost control over our lives. I’ve found that writing down the small, good things that happen in everyday life can be helpful. For example, you might notice that the weather is nice, that you got up on time, or that you managed to get something done that you had planned to do.

Another thing that can help is making small decisions in your daily life and following through with them. For example, you could choose a restaurant you like and actually go there. In this way, you may gradually start to regain a sense of control over your life.

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ

[geelt]

Hi Violetta,

I do need space. I feel overwhelmed and sensitive to everything around me. Personally the sensation of wearing headphones just makes things worse for me. Or earplugs. I do need time and space to process things but family wont let me. I have to do things I dont want to do and have no say in. They force me to go and say i will have fun and enjoy myself but i end up being miserable the whole time. And if i try saying no I dont want to go they will guilt trip me and drive me insane. Its suffocating. I need to force myself to be positive and smile because things only get worse if i dont. If i dont i get called crazy. Its lonely having no one i can open up to. Not that talking to people helps to begin with. No way to process things. No space where i feel at peace everywhere and everything just feels too much to handle. 

I struggle with finding good things in my day to day. 

I can't think of anything that would make me feel better. Theres no enjoyment only distraction.

Ive been exercising everyday for the past month but i cant get myself to start again after everything that happened the past couple days. It doesnt make me feel better or distract or clear my head. Making a todo list getting things done that ive been putting off and felt likei was making progress then bad things happen and its all for nothing. All the feeling of progress just vanishes and i feel miserable. Whenever i try to take control in my life something happens and it negates all the progress. Going places or making plans just leaves me drained mentally. 

I feel like i've been caught in a net for the past couple of years and the more i resist or struggle the more worn out i get. It is hopeless. I need to escape the net but I can't. I just can't bring myself to struggle and try to free myself again and again to just end up in the same place stuck in a net.

[ViolettaZ]

Dear my friend,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been caught in a net for such a long time. That must be really frustrating and exhausting. 

You mentioned, “The more you resist or struggle, the more worn out you get.” So, perhaps for now, you could lower your expectations a little and simply focus on getting through each day until you find a chance to get out of the net. It might take some time, but don’t forget that life is a long journey, and things can change!

I also think that sometimes happiness comes from appreciating the things we already have, even the small things. Do you have your driver’s licence? I actually failed my driving test today… TT    If you have your licence, maybe you could drive around the city, explore different places, and enjoy the beautiful natural landscapes.

Try to focus on what you already have and take things one day at a time~

Hopefully, that make things feel a little lighter. 

How does that sound?

Warm regards🤗

ViolettaZ