Every time I call a helpline, I regret it.

[Skary Bill]

Writing this as I'm curious to know if this is just a me thing.. I know my situation is not unique. I have depression, and it's always there.. But I don't suffer from it all the time, only when at a really low ebb. And even when that's happening, I have the experience to know it will pass.. Which gives me the confidence to keep my spirits up and shine a little light into the darkness.

Every now and then, it's just not enough, and no amount of positive thinking, food, vices or cute animal videos will fill the hole. And it's on these occasions that I find myself thinking I'm in over my head and I really need to talk to someone. Connect with another human.. Just literally have a chat with someone who's not teetering on the brink of the abyss.. Get a bit of perspective.. Perhaps some encouragement. But mostly, just to hear a friendly persons voice, and get out of my own head for a few minutes.. If I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably, I might just have a chat with the neighbor over the fence or something. But the crying thing does make that awkward. lol

And so it comes to be that once or twice a year I will overcome my anxiety to pick up the phone and call a stranger, hoping for nothing more than a brief, pleasant, light hearted chat with someone who understands what I'm feeling, or at the very least someone who will put up with the blubbering for a few mins.

But in all the years I've been on this journey, I'm yet to ever actually find that person for that chat in my time of need. And it's probably in some part my anxiety playing it's role.. But I need to know, is it just me that finds calling a helpline results in a formulaic conversation that feels more like an interview and is guaranteed to include the topic of self harm? Am I the only one thinking, if I answer some of these questions wrong, I'll end up with authorities banging on my door to check my welfare.. Wondering what list I just got my name on..

Clearly these lines aren't setup to offer the help I need. But I find calling them so stressful, I wonder how many ppl feel the same.

[Forrest]

Oh, and con (of course) it's on a scheduled basis, so you can't just hop into it when you're suddenly feeling low. But, sometimes it does help in the moment to moment just knowing you can share about stuff later.

[Skary Bill]

There's an added layer of complexity, in that I'm actually in a forest. About 15mins drive to the edge of reliable phone reception, half an hour out of the nearest town.. A good 2.5 hrs from the nearest city. And I've got myself a substantial case of agoraphobia, which I need to overcome anytime I want to go anywhere. So, I'm literally sitting in my car on the side of a country road trying not to be sick most times you see me posting here. I've been looking for ways to connect with people in the community. Been trying to join the local rural fire brigade for more than a year now lol. Sometimes the wheels turn slowly in the bush.. But I still get invited to meetings, so I've got a foot in the door there.

The agoraphobia is not a deal breaker as I don't mind pushing myself to confront the problem and endure some discomfort, {when I have the energy to do so}. But it is a limiting factor, as even when I do push myself to get past it, I'm not comfortable or in particularly good shape by the time I get to my destination, (if I make it that far). At best it would be like having someone in the group who is always seasick on a connection that drops out often.

As you could imagine, I find myself weighing the benefits of going somewhere to do something against the stress and discomfort experienced. And often end up stuck in an ironic loop of having to overcome my own issues just to seek some help with them. Like having to fix the car just so you can drive it to the mechanic.. lol

[ruralite]

Hi Skary Bill, I can identify with your post. After I send a post I worry ,Have I done the right thing,am I being over anxious, there are people out there with really bad mental illness,mine is not all that bad,maybe I should be doing more to help myself. Will some smart Alec tear me to pieces with questions that are personal and I dont want to answer. But like you I just need that contact to help me to feel better. So have a cry if it helps,hug your pet if you have one. I find a comedy DVD is a help,any thing that helps to change your thinking is good. Keep sending posts ,gets things off your mind. If you suffer from winter depressions (SADS) get out in the sun ,half an hour every morning. Eat your breakfast in the sun . Does wonders for your depression. Regards Ruralite

[Forrest]

"Having to fix the car to drive to the mechanic"... Oh I might have to steal that one! It's very similar to (but so much better than) a similar thing that I say all the time.

I can somewhat emphathise with agoraphobia. I wonder if there is some space you could use further into town that is still private, where there is a better internet connection, that you could use as a sanctuary for regular Skype meetings... Maybe not, but sometimes spitballing ideas leads to something closer to more pheasable ideas, and eventually an idea that actually works. Or, some magical powerful way to make a country internet connection better... (forgive my ignorance of country life and technology issues).

It's great to hear that you're invited to things, feeling like you have options can be a bit less trapping even if you don't take them. Are these things that are not a long drive for you?

I totally relate to weighing up the benefits every time I have to go out. Especially when the entire purpose is mental health (which can sometimes really just mean feeling better) and then you have to think, will doing this thing to make me feel better make me feel worse in the process?

Ruralite, I relate to what you said about thinking other people's situations maybe being worse. Some of the things that come up on here (on what so far seems like a daily basis) are just so heartbreaking to read about and often have me in tears of empathy and saying "wow" aloud a bunch of times. And I'm just like...can I even complain about my own situation after that?

But rest assured all situations are valid, we are all human beings with our own subjective sufferings that we're allowed to winge about and ask for support with.

Bill, especially now that I realise you're taking a nauseating journey each time just to post here (but not that I wouldn't have said this anyway) please update on how you're doing whenever you find it helpful, and know that even if I don't or can't reply (which happens sometimes) I'll be checking it out.

Do you happen to have, like, a "next" goal, to help improve your situation? Sometimes it feels like so many things are going on that it's just impossible to improve any of it. And sometimes the helpful thing is to pick the next thing that would help things the most if it could improve in any small way, and a small step you want to take towards it and just focus on that. Hm I wonder what mine would be....backed myself into a corner now...

Will have to think about this for myself too...

[Forrest]

I must just say as well, in response to your original post, it's definitely not just a you thing. And it's not just a you and I thing either. I've heard about this same issue from a lot of people. 🙂

Also I just realised the meetings you mentioned was tied to your previous comment about joining the fire brigade, so yes, local. What makes you feel drawn to that form of involvement? Do you think it would be a good fit? Apologies again for a few disjointed posts in a row. I'll leave room for a response now.

[mmMekitty]

Hello, Bill. Forrest & Ruralife,

Understanding the difficulties people otften, it seems to me, have reaching out for someone to talk to, whether online forums, or SKYPE or ordinary old phone, or to a group, whether from city, town or country, or forest)(!), I appreciate what an effort it is & thank you.

I can always do with a wider view than 'just me'.

It took me a while to get my head around the idea that my own concerns are as worthy of (for e.g.) my PDr's* care as anyone else's. If what is troubling me is enough for me to feel I need help, then that is validation enough. It doesn't have to be compared to anyone else's needs.

Thtat's not to say other people don't have needs. Many people do, some very complex & many have moved me to tears, too. I have to admit I am limited in what support I can offer. I hate doing that, because I've become aware of how scarce services & professional care are.

When I first went to see a PDr I waited nearly a month, & thought that was a long time, while I felt so desperate for help. Now I hear of people waiting many months, if they can find someone at all, & I also bear in mind how the first person you see may not be a good fit & you just might put up with it, & find it unsatisfactory while trying to find someone else you might work with better.

I get cranky when my internet drops out, you know, like twice a year! & I think how can people be conducting telehealth reliably out in rural (or frested!) areas with the drop-out so much more frequent?

😺I just love the idea of living in a forest, Bill...especialy all the birdsong. I think I hear about three or four different bird types where I live, & 80% are crows & magpies. (Lovely birds,😸)

You are all welcome to drop in for a chat anytime. You will find more light & social threads in the BB Social Zone.

About checking boxes & filling forms when phoning a helpline, I'm sure if they permit you to talk, explain why you phoned & listen to you talk, they could easily be checking boxes or not as they hear your own words. If they didn't seem to work to a script, I might use such services more myself. As I have found so far, I'm not encouraged.

Warmly, warmly, to you all,

mmMekitty

*Psychiatrist

[mmMekitty]

P.S., Bill, can you describe your profile Picture, which Paul likes so much? (It's an lack of eyesight thing for me)

Mine is my cat who died several years ago, at 7yr old of an unexpected serious heart condition. Her name was Mekitty, therefore, here I am often known as mmMekitty, & whatever other little nicknames people (& one walrus) have given me. Pleased to have met you today.😺

mmMekitty

[Forrest]

Hi mmMekitty, I appreciate your reply.

Not feeling well to concentrate much on writing at the moment but wanted to at least acknowledge it and say I enjoyed hearing from you.

[mmMekitty]

That's okay. There is no pressure to reply.

mmMekitty

[Forrest]

I know there's not, and thankyou. But sometimes I want to, and know I have thoughts I want to share, but the ability to make many sentences floats just out of reach. It's really frustrating, and a lot of times it results in long term silence, which is very haunting to me and sometimes others. So if I can get a sentence in to just say I'm here somehow even if I don't "say" anything per se, it helps me feel like I'm not disappearing again, and, helps reassure me that if it means something to someone, I got some words to them rather than none.