Every things going wrong

[Tiny_tears]

I'm in my 30's and 3 years ago I spit from a long time relationship, he kept the kids due to me having to move into my car for a bit. I took it to court to get visits and I do, I see them every second weekend, but for the past 3 years I just haven't been able to make anything work. I always end up worse of at the end of the year then when it started. 

Last year ended with me living in a back packers and not really having much going for me. 

During the year I got a good paying job and a apartment and everything seemed to be going ok for a few months, but the apartment block was to noisy and was affecting my work so I left and moved in with a friend. Well not even a month later I lose my job, I lose my licence, and my house mate kicked me out all in a space of 3 months. Now I back living in my car with out a licence and I can't even see my kids. I'm extremely depressed and just feel sick all the time, I'm nasty and hurtful to people and I'm just not a nice person to be around.

I didn't have a good childhood my parents bought me to wa as a kid and dumped me on the side of the road the day we go here and I haven't seen them since, 

I just feel like I'm a failure in life I can't do anything right

i cant bare not seeing the kids they are only 6 n 8. And I feel like I've let them down so much. 

I suck at living life and I don't know what to do.

[Neil_1]

Hi there tiny tears

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and sharing your post.  Oh boy, it does sound as though you’ve had your fair share of knocks and that for the time being, they are still continuing.

I did pick up a big positive though – a couple actually – that you were able to secure a good paying job during this year and then also having somewhere to live.  My spin on this is, if you were able to win a job earlier this year, would it not be possible for you to get another one and hopefully in the near future?  I guess that’s my immediate thought – as getting a job can sure make a world of difference – as you know doubt found this year.

Do you have any family who might be close by to offer some support to you?

Another thought, though whether this is an option, I guess would depend on where you are at the moment – but I do know of many places that have homeless shelters available.  I would think you would be definitely eligible if you are living in your car.  I’m not 100% certain, but some of these organisations may even be able to provide a small amount of financial assistance?

I do hope I’ve managed to say something that might prove to be helpful – and I also would think that you’ll be receiving other messages of support as well.

Would love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Tiny_tears]

Neil,

thanks for taking the time to ready my post. 

It has been difficult this year, and I'm definitely in the market for a job, I haven't given up looking for one, they are just not easy to come by, and my qualifications require a driver licence, when I get that back mid next year I will definitely be in a better position then I am at the moment.

i would love to say I have family close but I can't, unfortunately family is one big empty space in me. 

I have done as much as I can in regard to finding a shelter or some accomodation, but they are very much full and it's not the best time of year for finding an empty bed. 

But thank you I appreciate the feed back. 

Regards 

tiny tears 

[Guest_1055]

Hello Tiny tears

My tears are for you this evening, I'm so so sorry. I cannot understand why any parent would dump their precious child on the side of the road. That just breaks my heart, I long to go back to that very day, and just pick you up and hug you. I would tell you how valuable and special you were, and still are you know.

That is a very cute name, you chose there "Tiny tears" do you cry a lot then?  Well I do... when I am so sad the tears just flow and flow, until I am completely exhausted.

I'm sorry about you missing your children, that must hurt your heart a lot.

I long to be able to help you more or something, but I don't know how. If you ring the Beyond Blue phone number, the people may be able to assist you somehow with accommodation or at least point you in the right direction in regards to that.

Hope you will be OK

With many, many hugs

Shelley anne xxx

[White_Rose]

Dear Tiny Tears

Hello and welcome. I have read a couple of your posts on other threads. It's great that you can contribute to other discussions. I hope you continue to do this as talking to someone else often helps to clarify your own problems.

It sounds as if you have had a rough trot living in your car, losing your job etc. Can you tell us what happened? It's good to have a picture of the person we are talking to because we share experiences and swap coping mechanisms. I live on my own after leaving my husband 15 years ago. It's not easy after sharing your life for 30 years to being on your own. I became extremely depressed and just could not understand why. It's so easy to think because we do not have the huge problems of others that we will be happy.

Well the Black Dog makes sure this is not always true. We are all so vulnerable

What sort of work are you looking for? I see you need a driving license to work so is it some sort of courier job? I would be lost not being able to drive. We get so used to the convenience of jumping into a car to go anywhere at any time.

I do encourage you to tell us more about yourself. One of the amazing things about this forum is the huge amount of knowledge and information that we collectively hold. It may well be that someone has a bright idea or information that would be helpful to your situation.

Can you phone your children occasionally? That may be a help to you. I do feel very sorry that you were abandoned when you were a child. I cannot imagine how terrifying that must have been.

Please write in again as we would love to continue the conversation.

Mary

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Tiny Tears,

I first wanted to just say don't give up. Life can seem really bleak at times, but with strength and encouragement you can overcome things. We're here to provide the encouragement and hopefully that will give you the strength you need.

When we look at everything all together it can seem overwhelming, so what about breaking it down into smaller parts? You won't have a license until mid next year, so in the meantime are you looking for work that doesn't require driving, even if it is outside your desired field? Just as a stop-gap to get some money in your pocket and give you a sense of achievement. 

One massive thing you clearly have going for you is that you love your kids and you want to be with them and be a good influence. This is huge because as you know, some people don't show that much care.

As White Rose said, tell us more about yourself and hopefully we will be able to give you more help.

[Tiny_tears]

 Thanks everyone, 

Shelley Anne, thank you for your kind words and thoughts, unfortunatly I do cry often.

since I've had children myself, I have found it harder to understand the actions of my parents..

And when I do think about it I feel selfish, a lot of people have had a tough childhood.

And some have had it harder then myself.

I do miss my kids a great deal.. I feel I have let them down by losing all I gained this year. I have called beyond blue that's how I found this forum, they put me in touch with the local Anglicare in a bit to get me to talk to some one and maybe help find accomodation.. I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting to, it's a tough place with big Ol world isn't it.

I do hope your days are better and the tears fade with every stunning sun rise. And sun set.. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my situation.

[Tiny_tears]

 White rose,  pg1/2

thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my thread, 

I worked in traffic management, yes one of those annoying people that make you late picking the kids up from school. I loved it, for the first time in my life I actually felt I was achieving something good in my life I was proud of what I did for work. Their is a lot more to traffic then just a stop go bat. I enjoyed the work and it didn't take long befor companies started requesting me to be on site as they felt safer knowing I was their..  Even the ceo brother requested to work with me often.. As he found the other employees irritating.

Never in my life had I ever felt so conferdant and I actually felt I had accomplished something good in my life, i had dug myself outta homelessness and started to feel as though I just might be ok. I got a phone call on a Thursday morning asking to go into work as it was my day off, and see the boss.. Apon arrival I was greeted by the Ceo, his receptionist, and my supervisor, they had informed me that a client had made a complaint about me, as well as some work colleagues, apparently I was over heard talking down about one of the clients...and that my employment was being terminated.. I asked whom made the complaint and what was said, but they wouldn't tell me, I asked if I could have a sit down with the person making the complaint, they said no, it was confidential.. I got quite upset and left. I was literally shattered.. Everything I worked so hard for gone.. I went home and called a friend at another local traffic company and had a job lined up the very next Monday. But that did not help the emotional down ward spiral I was on.. I loved that job, the people and the clients.. And I new in my heart that the complaint was a lie because I know I never spoke I'll of anyone. Why would I..my life was just coming together and the people I worked with were amazing and made me feel like part of the team.. I was making really good money.. Why would I want to destroy that. But it wasn't losing the job that affected me the most, it was how I lost it.. These people I thought were my friends lied about me..  I've lost a lot in life due to lies and it hit me really hard, Sunday night the night befor my new job started I was sitting in my car at the river drowning my sorrows in a few beers screaming at the stars telling life to go to hell. Continued... 1/2 

[Tiny_tears]

White rose.. Continued from previous,

 was sitting at the river screaming at the stars drowning my sorrows, telling life to go to hell.. I was fighting with the kids dads I was hurt over the loss of my job.. And I just felt like my life was a mess again. As I went to leave the cops got me lost my license for 10 months and got a 1600 dollar fine. Bam there goes my job on Monday. So gave myself a good kick up the arse and tried pressing on and getting a job locally so I could walk to work I applied at every store bottle shop pub take ways food any thing but I still have nothing. Then about a week ago my house mate informed me that I will have to move due to his sister having marital problems and her needing the room.. I had a week to get out. So I left Sunday just gone. And here I am   ... 

I do call my kids when I can I bought them phones because their dad told me I couldn't call them on his phone, but not long after I gave them to the kids the phones  "got lost" apparently, so I don't talk to them as often as I would like to.  I hope you can read and understand this, thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my thread. 

[Tiny_tears]

Hi chicken wings, 

yes I have been looking for work.. But the place I live is pretty established and to find a job is difficult, I have applied every where I can and I'm waiting to hear back from a local bottle shop owner, you have made me realise I am looking at everything together, some thing I hadn't noticed.. Thank you.

I do love my kids so much.. I think having what happened to me as a kid has made me an over protective mother. To the point I get sick feeling of the kids climb to high on the play equipment..  

I do feel though, by them not living with me has broken me in a way I find it hard to be happy.. I cannot even fathom having any more kids. I just want the ones I have.  

I have written a reply to white rose explains my job and my situation.. It's in two parts so I hope you can work it out.. 

Thnk you for your kind words and taking the time to read my thread.. Wish you all the best,  regards