Don't even know where to start

[JakeL74]

I've gone from a married, baby-on-the-way, white picket fence yuppie type. Everything was on the rise, and then all it took for that to be taken away was a slippery road, a 73 year old driver and the love of my life choosing cocaine and company of other men to cope instead of me. She became violent and left me with external scars, but the real scars are the ones that lay strong in my head. 2 years and two suicide attempts later, I feel like I'm fighting a war I never asked to be a part of; sifting through a void where my only escape is three bottles of merlot + each night. I was good for a while. I'm 6 foot 3 and was gaunt, 85 kilos. I hit the gym and HARD to let out the hate I felt for myself, never leaving until I was in agony. Ate and ate, got up to a good looking 105. Now, the bottles are back, Im down to 97kgs, not eating, maybe going to the gym once a week, insecure about my relationship to a woman who is utter perfection, more than I could ever feel worth of having. I was lucky to get a new job since COVID. I have everything that I could need to support me... and all I want is for the book to come to a close. I feel ungrateful for the opportunity/second chance life has given me, like I'm pissing on the embers that keep the light on.

[Sophie_M]

Dear JakeL74,

Thank you for so courageously and generously sharing your very painful journey with us here today. We are so sorry for what you have and are going through.

Reaching out as you have here today we know is not easy. Please know how important it is that you have. You've come to a safe, non-judgmental community where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health, many of which we hope you find resonate with yours.

While the peer support available here is often quick, it is not immediate. That said, please know help is always available to you. At any time on any day you can call the mental health professionals at our Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or you can email them (replies within 24 hours) or webchat to them between 1pm and midnight AEDT via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. You can also reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. If you ever think you are at risk of harming yourself or others, please know it is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

Welcome to our wonderful, caring online forums community. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need, Please keep reaching out to let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Gambit87]

Hey mate,

welcome to the forums.

I cant even begin to imagine what you're going through. It takes strength and guts to reach out and tell your story. I know the feeling of fighting a war you never asked to be a part of, its brutal.

Have you thought about speaking to a psychologist? I might take a few goes to find one youre comfortable with, but they are worth their weight in gold. Seeing a psych has helped me get through hard times.

I also suggest checking out the haka for life facebook page and watch the videos... the guy is an absolute brilliant speaker and what he talks about really hits home (for me anyway).

all the best, feel free to reply if you want to.

[Abby-C]

Hi,

You are one brave soul. I have nothing much to say but you didn't come that far just to come far. Let go of your baggage and appreciate life as it is. Yesterday is gone, don't let it rob you of your happiness.

Regards

[Jstar49]

Hey Jake,

Sounds like a real heavy story in there. I'm so sorry, it must be hard to know what to do or where to go from here.

It also sounds like you have found the strength to keep going, despite everything. You say that all you want is for the book to come to a close- I take it to mean that you're not feeling anywhere close to good about your life. Can you tell us a bit more about that? What's stopping you from being able to enjoy this new relationship? She obviously sees something special in you, or she wouldn't be there.

Also, does she know how much you're struggling?

Sometimes we think everyone must know, because its so obvious... believe me when I say, it's better to talk about it. Again. As much as you need to. (maybe just choose a time when you feel safe, look after you, y'know)

We're all here for you Jake.

Hugs,

J*