Do you tell people? If so how?

[Starz]

37 year old female here who just started on AD's about 7 weeks ago (onto my 3rd different one as there have been some side effect issues).

My question to people is in regard to telling people about your depression, close family, friends etc. I've told my mum, only because I was upset when my Dr suggested I take AD's and needed my mummy 🙂 I haven't told either of my sisters, but we're very close and I feel like I am hiding something from them, we talk every week and it's a big change in my life that I haven't discussed with them. But I just can't think how to tell them.

I've always played my part very well, my family don't live close and over the years I have worked out how to get around their questions of how I am by talking about work and changing the subject, or brushing the questions off, so they really have no idea. It would be a huge shock to them.

[Neil_1]

Dear Guest 9615

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

I'm going to start out by saying, I'm absolutely gobsmacked at what your GP said to you.  Did I read that right??   That your GP said to you that you need to take Anti Depressants and that you needed your mummy??   I would have almost smacked him for saying that!!  Sorry, but what the ... ????   If that's true Guest, I'd be leaving that doctor straight away - what a ... nah, I'd better not say it.  As a guide for you for a new GP, on this website, Beyond Blue have a list of GP's that you can search for, and hopefully you'll find one or more in your local area - the thing about these GP's is that they're highly experienced in dealing mental health issues and I believe they'll treat you as an adult.

Guest, it's great that you have told your mum.  May I ask how she responded and is she supportive of you??

So when you're in touch with your sisters, is it via phone or is it via typing-emails or the like??  It's an interesting point you raise - for how to tell them??  Have there been times where you have felt awkward or similar in front of them, that they might have noticed something?   I only ask that, cause you could possibly say, "Hey, you remember when "such and such" happened - well, I've got something very very important to tell you - I suffer from depression".   I believe it'll be the initial part that will be the hardest - and once it's out in the open, I hope it'll be easier to talk about.

OR, you could construct a nicely worded email and give a rundown.

I'm just throwing out some suggestions, but not expecting you to take these up, just thoughts at this stage.

Would be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[sola]

I have never had a problem letting people know that I suffer from depression. My depression started about 20 years ago, and even back then, to me it was just an illness like any other illness. I've always been open about it and I've never felt shame or any kind of embarrassment . 

What is your reason for finding it hard to be open about it? Tell us a bit more.

In the meantime I'm sending you happy vibes your way.

Sola

[white knight]

Hi Guest,  welcome to BB.

It is a very relevant question but really a subjective one in that it not only depends on your friends and relatives knowledge and tolerance of mental illness but it also depends on how thick your skin is- so to speak.

When often depression can have come with it sensitivity and personal reactions that are not there when not depressed this is a ticklish question.

I've been bullied in cyber space twice now. I am terribly sensitive. I tell everyone - everything. My mind is a dump truck!.  So for me to withhold information on a topic with a friend or even an aquaintance is to reprogram my mind and how it works.  Subsequently I have withdrawn somewhat from society enough for me to feel some safety.

Bare in mind also that 90% of all people have no idea about mental health, how to deal with it and therefore how to be supportive, what to say, what to think etc.  When I told a cousin I suffered from depression he replied "maybe you are sad"  of course it has zilch to do with sadness and everything to do with chemical imbalance and the state of the mind. Gee, I wish  was just "sad".

So, Guest, you have a choice. Without knowing you or your family I would pass it by my sisters but not as a major issue.  This knowledge for them will help them if they find themselves in a similar state and thats what family is for.  But as for friends I'd take care who to tell.  Unless they mention they suffer from the illness themselves. then you can compare notes and, like my wife and I (she also suffers from depression) you can support the other when they are down..

Hope this helps.

[Starz]

Hmm no idea why I am posting as guest.  I have a user name etc. Maybe I did something funky in signing up. 

I like some of the ideas.  I do want to tell my sisters but mental illness had never been a part of our families lives before now so even I had no idea for a long time what was wrong. I thought everyone else felt the same way I did. So even I was under some missassumptions. I remember when my dr raised ADs as a possibility I thought to myself I am not the sort of person who needs ADs. How wrong I was...

I think my biggest concern is I don't want my depression to be all they see. I don't want it to be so big to them that it owns everything.  It's been that way to me for far to long. 

My mum cried.  She didn't understand it. She thought she had failed me somehow in raising me (my mum is fantastic by the way and other than not stopping my father from constantly telling me I was stupid and worthless when I was growing up she did a great job.  She didn't have the banks to go against him unfortunately). She is better now though.  She asks how my "other thing" is going. She's a bit unsure about it all even after I explained the chemical imbalance  part off it. But hey she is trying. 

Neil I miscommunication myself. The dr told me she thought I should consider ADs and I was the one who was upset and wanted to talk to my mum, we are very close.  My gp is actually quite amazing. She had pink hair and swears sometimes.  If it wasn't for her I would still be deep in the grips of depression instead of facing it head on. 

[geoff]

dear Guest, maybe if I explain my situation which may then give you an idea.

When my lovely friend who was coloured blue decided to dump itself on me, I tried so hard not to open the door and let it in, but sure enough it had it's ways, so bang all of a sudden it turned me into a jelly, incapable of being able to do anything, so my business was stopped, well it had to, because I couldn't do anything, so my wife had to inform everybody that I couldn't do the work, they asked why so she told them that I was sick, while some she said that I have had a breakdown.

She also rang my twin and told him, so at this point their was no need to say that I was now taking antidepressants, but that was secondary, but he had to know, I wanted to tell him but I couldn't because I was unable to talk.

What I would do is to say to them 'that you haven't been feeling well for a long time', of course they will ask why, so just say 'I think I have depression and the doctor wants to put me on antidepressants', they may also say that you look alright, so again say 'that you have been hiding it because you felt embarrassed telling them'.

They will find out later on, because you don't know how long this illness is going to hang around for, and in due course you will want their help.

What I would also do is to click under 'resources' at the top of the this page and order all the printed material from BB which explains so much on what, how, why, and what to do with depression, this information will be good for your mum to read, and in no way is your depression her fault, as there are multiple reasons why anyone gets depression, by the way all of this material is free.

You may have a long road ahead so you need all the support you can get, and remember there is no way you can solve this by yourself, no one can.

Hope to hear back from you . Geoff. x

[Starz]

Thanks Geoff and others for the suggestions. I think I definitely want to tell my sisters, and you are right I want their support. I guess I'm kind of looking for a way to raise it without it being a "I have something to tell you" kind of moment.

I also want them to understand that I am ok, they can trust me with their kids, I am not a whacko who needs supervision etc. I don't have any kids of my own (and don't want any) but I adore my nieces and nephews and the often come and stay with my partner and I in the holidays. I don't want any of that to change.

I guess I want to tell them but I was the surety of understanding before I venture there, which I know I can't get. I guess I am scared.

[Starz]

and yay, I am no longer guest_somerandomnumber!

[HelenM]

Hi Starz

It can be very difficult in raising this as you say. I'm glad your Mum is great though it's a shame she blames herself. I think it's actually quite important to tell your sisters. I don't think they will only see the illness in you. In later phone calls you can mention things, people in your life, what's going on. Maybe not immediatelybut  they'll begin to view your depression as part of you and not the whole you.

Take care, Debs