Do you ever get the feeling that you're too caring and nice and people take advantage of that?

Unicorn_Sparkles · ‎25-10-2019

I've recently hit rock bottom. It was a scary experience, as I'm sure most of you know when reaching that point.

I still haven't been to see someone yet, like my GP or a psychologist, as I'm still trying to work out what's best for me, in terms of treatment options, so I've been doing a lot of self reflection, which has been great and really therapeutic.

Anyway, one of the issues that seems to keep coming up is people are like "hey, you're my friend, i care about you blah blah blah" or "hey, i need help with something, are you free?" It's like they're telling you what you want to hear for that moment, but in reality they don't really they don't? Almost like they think a quick catchup for coffee will do, but then don't make the effort to Check in with a message, even though you've already opened up about everything, so they should know, they say they know and understand, they've been through it themselves, but don't Check in to see how you are. Or when people ask me for help with something, it's only because they know I'll drop things to go and help that person for whatever reason, because they claim I'm a friend and I consider them a friend, but in all honesty they're only really using you for their own personal gain?

white knight · ‎25-10-2019

Hi, welcome

A great topic and I'm glad you've reached out here as a form of comfort, I hope I can help.

A number of things pricked my ears up as I read your post.

We all have a mask, how much it is glue don our faces is another matter. The sensitive and vulnerable remove it very early in a new friendship leaving us exposed and that leaves us open for hurt. Others see that and take advantage. We don't know why at the time but sometime in our teenage years we failed to develop defensive strategies that I call "street wisdom". It is like an immediate trust of other people. At 17yo to 20 I was in the Air Force, from 21yo to 24yo worked as a prison officer and even after those experiences I still was naïve and over trusting, such is the depth of the problem. I'm now 63yo and really overcame this at around 50yo.

But if you seek help as you are and advice you can accelerate such changes needed.

There is also the "busy" factor. People are just so running around doing stuff. There is a saying "we all have to carry our own cross" meaning others might seem they don't have problems- they do, just they don't mention them or minimalise them and not discuss them.

It is normal to have expectations but that doesn't mean it is a good thing. You last paragraph shows this clearly. Of course you'd like them to ring you more and catch up for coffee but I asked a friend years ago why he doesn't (but did with others) and his reply was "I want to have fun not talk about gloomy topics". That really hurt but it is true. That is why we here on this forum have the view "birds of a feather flock together" and reserve our fun times with friends. As your friendships grow closer and closer then you might get a couple of them ask you how you are. It doesn't mean they don't care- they just don't care enough in your eyes... Express disappointment and you are likely to lose them.

Here is a few threads I've chosen to make things clearer. Just click on them and read the first post of each.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival#qlnSq3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2#qr3mhnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

This one you might want to read it more fully

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/great-expectations-#qknEpHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Repost here or in those threads as you please

TonyWK

Unicorn_Sparkles · ‎25-10-2019

Hi white knight, thanks for the links, i think the second one hit harder with me, because i would be the one turning around to make sure everything was ok, even if it was a case of "leave the car at the mechanic for a week, get it fixed up and come with us, we'll make room and enjoy the holiday together" o guess I kind of assume when someone claims to be a friend, that's what they'll do and when they don't, it's a bit WTF? I even get that sometimes people might be worried to reach out and say "hey, maybe you need to speak to someone more professional than me, who might be able to help you better with ABC"

In the first situation, just before I hit rock bottom, it was just that. The person I confide in, whilst close to tears said all the right things "you're my friend, i care about you. I want to help. Do you want me to speak to the others? Thank you for trusting me with all this, I'll do whatever I can to help" then nothing. Crickets chirping. Not even a "hey, spoke to the other person to hear their side of the story" yet if the situation had been reversed, that's exactly what I would have done. Then I hit rock bottom, he's suddenly to all these other people "I'm really worried about her, she needs professional help" I had to get told that rather bluntly and rudely from another friend, but I think she realised I had hit rock bottom and I needed a kick in the head. We've since talked and she's been much softer, but I also know she's going through some stuff as well and since I do feel like she's the only person I can now turn to from within this group, I am also mindful of not burdening her with my problems, but also checking in on her to see how she is.

The second situation is different, but do wonder if my judgement of the situation is clouded coz I actually liked this guy. I'd known him awhile and he reached out to me on Facebook and we got chatting and started hanging out a bit. I did the whole "Ok I need to impress this guy" attitude and even though he's quiet, i thought he was interested. I helped him with a few things and we chatted on Facebook pretty much every day, coz we had a hell of a lot in common. But then he stopped messaging me first, so I'd message him, just to say hi and he seemed different. Now he's hanging out with another group of people that I know, but not friends with, and now I feel like he used me to get what he wanted (Not in a sexual way) and suddenly has no use for me.

I guess I kind of feel like I'm either too trusting of people, or I continually trust the wrong people in my life.

J_R_M · ‎25-10-2019

Unicorn Sparkles said:
I still haven't been to see someone yet, like my GP or a psychologist, as I'm still trying to work out what's best for me, in terms of treatment options, so I've been doing a lot of self reflection, which has been great and really therapeutic.

I'd like to point out that when you're feeling the way you do, it might be best to let a professional work our what's best for you. Often when we're in a less than ideal state of mind we make less than ideal decisions.

Drop in an see your GP and have a chat with them, it doesn't have to be anything too formal, just chat and see if they have some advice for you. Medicare should cover it. All the best, hope you feel better soon.

Unicorn_Sparkles · ‎25-10-2019

Thanks! I mean realistically I know I should, but I'm worried she'll automatically put me on anti depressants. But I know I can say I don't really want to go on them if I can help it. I had a friend years ago who got addicted. It wasn't pleasant. Ended up making him worse. I'm worried that's gonna happen. But I should also realise I can just say so, that I'm not entirely comfortable with that thought.