I haven't posted in quite some time cause life is just breaking me down. but, depression is worse than life. I've suffered two massive betrayals of friendship that compare to a childhood trauma I wish I could forget. two long time friends (one 22 yrs long and the other 17 yrs long) which I had done so much with. friends I tried to encourage, tried to comfort, tried to work through mental issues with. now I'm here, one friend left who's is a great friend but he's also much younger than me. that just means our interests are very different and don't give either of us much to talk about with each other. I'm in my 40's and I'm also so tired of the thought of trying to make new friends. good thing about old friends are the stories we'd have and share whenever we hung out. I'm a carer for my mum which is very stressful but also very worth doing. my dad was a monstrous piece of filth that deserves to die by my hand. honestly, these days I can't keep myself stable or happy in any sense. every night I hope I don't wake up in the morning. I have constant suicidal thoughts run in head every day. I just don't act on them and try to focus on other things. not having those friends has disabled me to a certain extent.
no one to understand me, no one to vent to, etc. but, would I try to forgive them? hell no! if they suddenly came to me with options of being friends again? also a hell no! as far as I'm concerned, life isn't worth living. never has been. but, my mum needs me just as much as I need her. I have two older siblings but they have their own lives to live. so, when they visit my mum and me we both try to keep things happy and positive (which is exhausting) but it is what it is. I'm also terrified with a life without my mum. might seem childish but that's the truth. she's always been there for us. always did her best with what she had.
my plan was always this. if she was to suddenly pass away then I would follow soon after. that thought first hit me while I was in primary school. I became her carer cause my sister's always wanted to chase after a career and starting a family. so I thought "I'm not going to leave my mum alone" I couldn't. the things she suffered at the hands of my dad are just to disturbing to even type out. all that I have these day's is caring for my mum (which isn't a burden at all) and a crippling void of loneliness that just doesn't leave me be. I try to keep myself busy but it keeps eating away at me no matter how positive I try to be.
