Rebuilding after a traumatic breakup on the other side of the world

[Alice850]

I moved to Norway from Australia in early December to be with my long distance boyfriend. We had met while travelling in November 2024 and did long distance for a year. 

We decided I would make the move because I was on a 12 month contract for work here in Aus and was renting, while he owned a place and had just changed jobs. We made the decision to live with each other earlier than most people might expect because he turned 31 last year and I turned 30, we wanted to start our lives together.

I was excited for the move and starting my life there. Even though it meant not having job security, learning a new language and fitting in in a new country. I was applying for jobs, going to Norwegian courses and trying to start my life there with him.

He dumped me four months later. There were a few issues in our relationship, on both sides, and we both didn't handle things in the best way. I was willing to try couples therapy or get some space from each other before making the drastic decision of me moving all the way back home. Ultimately, he felt it wouldn't work and he's very good at protecting his own peace and looking after himself so he sent me home. It devastated me, this was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. 

I've now had to move back in with my parents, have turned 31 and don't have a job. I've been back for a month and had a job interview where I used to live and still have friends there, but found out yesterday I didn't get the job. I had a breakdown for the first time and feel so hopeless. Meanwhile, he's still got his job, friends around him and is keeping busy. He seems fine.

I don't want to be stuck at my parent's house and it feels like I am. I'm going to therapy, journaling, going to the gym, eating healthy... doing all the things I'm meant to do to be able to heal, but it's so hard and this blow of not getting the job has sent me to rock bottom.

Is there anyone who has gone through something similar, or has any tips for me on getting through this? I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What an ordeal you've been through. You followed your heart and few people go to that extent. I'm saddened by your plight so lets look at options moving forward, which is best to do as there is often those that lose out in such situations.

With the job situation, the living with your parents and also separation of friends, you might have to think radically. I'm going to suggest accommodation. 

We often caravan. I suggest, when you are capable of saving, to buy a campervan. This vehicle should be reliable and it has a number of benefits.

• you can look for any job within Australia ideally near your friends but you are movable so you are flexible
• you have a holiday maker on wheels
• you can use free camps location in the one payment only WIKICAMPS. Some are on the edge of cities.
• pay a friend one or 2 nights a week to park in their back yard. Or buy them meals
• you could park in your parents back yard for space

The alternative is shared rent in a house. Find out if you can get the rental allowance if in such a situation or even if you park in a caravan park if that also applies.

The grief and sadness will continue for some time about your ex. This is common in these pages. You cant rush it. But what you can do is realise that this is very much how life can be until you meet your soul mate. None of my 3 ex's were my soul mate and I endured them for 7,11 and 10 years duration. Now after 15 years marriage I'm certain my wife is my soul mate and such compatibility brings remarkable pleasure and happiness. To look upon your ordeal in Norway and how it didnt work out in a manner that reflects the non compatibility is to take care of yourself. You are also such a brave person to take such a chance at love. If he isnt your soul mate then you have dodged a possibly very unhappy future especially if children were involved maybe in a country you couldnt leave?

You've done well, you've got yourself back home and a restart that you are finding emotionally hard as you navigate the job market. Keep going, Here is a short story of my experience.

In 1989 I worked in a sheltered workshop with disabled workers as a manager. A vietnamese guy knocked on out door every Thursday. Later I was to find out he arrived in Oz in a leaking boat as a refuge. And every Thursday I told him there was no work. Then one Thursday my boss was there and the same happened. My boss told me to call him back and gave him a job because he was persistent. He was the best worker. 

So do all you can to get a job, never give up, ever! and let us know when you do. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

reply anytime, you might desire ongoing chat

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Hi there op , and v sorry about things too.

A LD thing is so hard in the bigger decision areas isn't it , as if the rest of it isn't hard enough alone l know. Yes l was in that situation, she was in the US - not American she was European but that's where she was based.

I use to think if only we could just see ea other, just be, in the usual typical sense it would normally be with someone that was just here, in my area give or take an hr or two or at least within my own country or me hers.

She dumped me in the end bc l just felt her moving all this way was just to big when really, we'd hardly spent any real time together, l just wanted more time first, for her even more so than myself.

So don't be too hard on yourself l can def' understand the circumstances and pressures and it's all an absolute surreal situation to be in.

Ok , it hasn't worked out and as hard as all that's been, at least you tried right. lmagine if you didn't it might've gone on yrs- at least you know, you tried and at least it's done.

So now, your back, at your parents, ok , so what. lt's only temporary no shame in that things will come together it's only been a mth. lf your there for a bit first well so be it, think of how cheap it is and of having this time with your parents , be the last time really so yaknow. Many a people come back from os with a stint at home getting things together again much older , your only 30ish.

few mths-12mths whatever, you'll be out there again, try not not to worry your doing everything you can , takes time. 

Hang in

rx

[CaringDad]

Sounds like you're doing ALL the things under your control to heal and that's a lot more than most people can do. Be proud of yourself for that! I've got only 1 tip for you: resilience. Just keep going. Just keep doing the things that you're doing consistently. You WILL heal and you WILL move on eventually (and I feel it won't take too long) 🙂

[Alice850]

I moved to Norway from Australia in early December to be with my long distance boyfriend. I won't go into all the details here (I've posted about the initial breakup before). 

I've been back in Australia for just under two months, am going to therapy, working on being healthy, am in the process of moving and have just started a new job.

I've really been struggling and had a major breakdown after I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted. The job I have now is not really what I want to be doing with my career and I feel like I've taken 10 steps backward. I'm 31 and feel like my career and life is going nowhere. 

I thought I really wanted to leave my parent's place after getting back from Norway, but now that I've moved three hours away (to somewhere I used to live) I just want to go home. It's like I'm rejecting or hating anything that's not Norway and the person I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.

How do I get through this? I feel so low and depressed and I don't want to do any of it.

[Croix]

Dear Alice50~

I and feel that Tony and others have give you some good and sympathetic advice.

While short long term relationships are in a world of ther own and not always successful you gave it your best, not only traveling to the other side of the world but even trying to blend in by learning the language. 

That shows an adventurous spirit, something many would like to have. You were also wise enough to cut your losses and return home, a difficult thing to realise and do.

All of this you naturally have thrown you off balance, I guess wanting to be away from your parents might have been a result, never-the-less you have accommodation and a job (even if both are not ideal). You are also taking psychological steps to help you get over it all. All very sensible and show adaptability and an ability to cope.

Unfortunatly this set of heart breaking occurrences will leave you very unhappy and can't realy be sidestepped but must simply endured. Still you, as 31, have not lived even half your expected lifespan so far, and like me, do not have a crystal ball to see the future. Anything can happen, maybe all good, and maybe quickly.

When my first wife passed away at a very young age I felt that my life held little for me in the future. Then I got job that has given me satisfaction and enjoyment and remarried to someone wonderful with whom I remain to this day.

I'd never had dreamed there were two silly people in this world who seriously wanted to be with me:)

So I'm not promising the near future will be easy but I am saying with more than half  your life ahead of you there is no need to assume anything is too late. In the meantime take advantage of the company that loves you when you can.

Croix