Depression - the beast arises

[Malen]

Depression is horrible, that doesnt sound bad enough but its horrible, its a beast that sucks all positive emotions from you. It sucks all positive outlook draining anything positive from life. It leaves an overwhelming hopelessness, a darkness that seems never ending.  

Thats how I feel at the moment, I feel like my life is bleak. Im on as much pain medication that I can handle yet Im still in pain. I cant live anything that resembles a normal life. Just driving to an appointment wears me out for the day, let alone helping around the house or working. I need a hair cut and that will have to be a morning thing or someone will have to take me because of the pain meds. That will be all I can do for the day, it will cause me too much pain. Just writing these posts I need to shut my eyes and have a break time to time because I get too tired. 

I keep having to talk to random people about my mental health issues, people I dont know, I dont know their story or their motives and here I am telling them all about my inner thoughts and feelings. 1/2 the time I have to explain why I want a female to talk to, which shouldnt be a question Im asked

Since the diagnosis of Complex PTSD my mind has been on my childhood, its been hard, remembering things that happened. Realising why I am the way I am. Realising how little I trust my family and with good reason. My tablet is completely locked down, it might look open but to open an app you need my finger print. 

I dont feel I can manage much more of this, the emptiness I feel, the hollowness, like Im an emptied egg shell that just the slightest pressure will cause it to break. Im so sick of feeling fragile, alone, shrouded in darkness. I feel like there is a monster following me everywhere I go, just ready to attack and absorb anything that resembles joy and a second monster that just turns every situation to sh*t or a sh*t situation worse.

Depression is a horrible beast, you can only hope to survive it with as many limbs, toes and fingers in tact at the end as is possible. Worse still is you survive it and you are waiting for the beast to rise again, its just waiting to attack once more.

[David35]

I know it's a cliche, but it might be worth while booking into seeing a pscyhologist. I've experienced over the years that it's hit or miss talking about your mental health issues to strangers, even family or friends. Some people are "allergic" to these issues, because they do not understand them or don't know what to say or do to reasure you. Some of the harshest criticisms I've received have been from family members. If you had a broken ankle the sympathy would be plentiful because people can see the problem. But for a large majority of the public, they do not believe something they cannot see. So be careful who you share your heart with. A trained professional, or people on here, will be far more understanding because they are either trained to deal with these complex emotions or have experienced it themselves.