Depression nearly 2 years - worried creativity, passion, interests will never return

[Jamiebr]

Hi there,

My name is Jamie. I've been dealing with a depression that has gone on for nearly 2 years. I have had short bouts of depression prior to this but have always come out the other side after a month or so. This bout of depression has really put me through the ringer. I am self employed and my work involves me utilising digital media on projects often related to community and education sectors. Prior to becoming depressed I was an energetic, creative, motivated, passionate person who had lots of interests. These are fairly essential qualities for the work I do. It is like the parts of my brain that house these characteristics and abilities has gone to sleep, or worse disappeared. I struggle in meetings where I am called on to think creatively and be enthusiastic. Once upon a time this kind of stuff would come so naturally and now its just not there. My fear is I wont get it back. I'm really trying to get myself well again with the help of psychologist, psychiatrist, support groups and family etc. I just cant seem to get that 'magic' back that was the core of who I once was. I don't know if anybody on here has had a similar experience? I'm thinking I may have to look at changing careers to something less creative which breaks my heart but I am part of a family and we cant just survive on my wife' income. Needless to say the business is nothing like it was prior to a couple of years ago as I just haven't had the energy or motivation to market myself and chase work. I am doing my best to keep the anxiety I have about the work I do have in check. I don't really want to do any of it but have to for the money it brings. Anyway maybe someone will read this any be able to relate, even offer some suggestions.

Jamie

[Doctor who_aspy]

if it something that you love to do then stick with it. go out into the world and find something that inspires you. I am a creative person and love doing arts and designing thing. I have found that once your passion becomes a job then you lose the enjoyment to gave you, so maybe try finding a job in a different area and doing the creative things as a hobby, even for just a short time, that way it will start to feel fun again. I know for me that when im working and i come home to do my designs it feels like home. i can have fun with it and it centers me after work. i dont know if this is helpful but i hope it is. dont give up.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jamie

Hello and welcome. I think you have come to a good place to talk about your difficulties. There are many people with all sorts of talents who will no doubt catch up with you.

In general being depressed does make you lose interest in those activities you once enjoyed. I can vouch for that. I have gone for months without touching those things I like because the energy is not there. I look at something and say to myself go and do that. If it were only that easy. In your instance it is far more difficult as this is your work, your livelihood. I take it you have discussed this with your psychologist and psychiatrist.

I can leave my garden, my sewing and reading etc because they are not, or rather were not part of my working life. Even so, concentrating on my work could be very difficult and I found myself in a similar situation to yours. Where you once buried yourself in your work I was immersed in mine and it sounds a similar story for both of us. Where we differ is that I could take sick and you are unable to do this without your business collapsing.

Your creativity has not been lost. The energetic, creative, motivated, passionate person you were is still there waiting for a chance to get out of hiding again. As you have discovered, you cannot force yourself to be that person because it does not work that way. I found that leaving my former interests actually helped me to return later. I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it was burnout.

For me it was such a direct cut off from being well one day unwell the next and losing interest in my former life, even if it was only one day between the two.I think it was partly because I had medication and therapy that helped me operate more clearly and to see what depression was doing to me.

I hope my experience has reassured you it's not unusual to lose interest in your past activities. But your question is more pressing because it involves your capacity to earn a living. I learned to mediate when I was feeling at my worst.

This was the most significant activity in my return to my usual activities. I found that being able to sit and repeat my mantra (in my mind) helped to keep at bay all the other thoughts. Maybe for only a second or two but it is an ongoing process which helps to find yourself within yourself. I found I could sit with uncertainty and gradually I returned to almost the old me. Not an overnight cure, but a habit that kept me focussed on me in a positive way.

Mary

[Jamiebr]

Thanks for your replies and the reassurance that the passion and creativity will eventually return. I really hope so!

I will have to think more about what the future might hold for me employment wise. I'm looking at a couple of possibilities.

I've just started with the psychologist and am not sure if I spoke about this in the first session. That's another problem. My memory has also taken a hit since becoming depressed.

I guess I'll just have to sit with my current state and try not to get too upset about it. Try and have faith that 'this too will pass'.

I pricked up my ears when you mentioned meditation and a mantra. I have been doing the occasional 'smiling minds' breathing meditation but went off searching for a mantra that could be beneficial for depression and anxiety. Anyway I came across one you listen to on headphones. It is from an Indian guru guy. Found it quite soothing. It goes for an hour!

Thanks again,

Jamie

[Fidster]

Hi Jamie,

I have a similar experience to what you are going through. In fact, I knew a lot of creative people who go through this kind of depression and loss of interest in their work. As my therapist (that’s what we call them in the US) told me “Depression can’t be cured. It can only be managed.” You can manage your depression like I have been able to do. I am 17 years on from discovering that I have this condition and I go up and down all of the time.

Diet, exercise and psychotherapy will manage your depression and even out your mood swings. Because they are mood swings, sometimes good and sometimes not good. Understand that the moods come and go. Practicing good diet, regular exercise and talking about your feelings will allow the good feelings to be your dominate mood.

I think exercise works because it forces you to breathe the same way meditation does. As you know, when you feel strong physically you feel strong mentally. It helps me as a creative person because 20 minutes into my work out ideas suddenly pop into my head. When I’m depressed and sedentary that doesn’t happen.
I noticed that I experience these bouts of loss of interest / depression when I have changed my routine and it’s thrown off my diet and exercise regimen. Establish a good routine and stick to it.