Trying

[Kate_T]

I've been depressed for a long time. I've been medicated for a about 5 years. I have recently started re-seeking help (seeing someone, changing my meds) but i'm having a really hard time. I feel like nothing good ever happen to me and everything that's about to falls through. I talk to my friends about it but they just say that I need to be proactive and good things will happen for me but I am. I feel like they think i'm lazy and i'm not trying to be better because they don't always see the things i'm doing (this for example). I often feel very lonely but I also struggle to leave the house sometimes so they use that as "why didn't you come to this?". It's so hard to explain to them that I want/need to see them but sometimes I can't face and that it doesn't make sense to me either. Then I just become more depressed because of what I feel they think of me.

[MarkJT]

Hey Kate, first off i am very pleased that you have re-engaged with clinicians - really important to well done.

You are in the process of changing meds and also when we start talking about mental health conditions professionally, it can dig up old memories and feelings which are always hard to do. You need to be kind to yourself at this stage and let the meds settle in.

Trying to talk to people who have never been through a mental health condition can be really hard to do as how do you explain it? A few of my mates watched interviews on YouTube with people who have PTSD to get an understanding of it and that worked pretty well with them. Do you think you could find some videos that explain what you feel pretty good and then show them to your mates?

The feeling lazy feeling is well known to me so what i did to counter that was to put my running gear next to my bed and when i didn't want to get out of bed due to the depression, I would force myself to go for a run. As all the gear i needed was right next to my bed, i had no excuse. Most of the time it worked but there were days in my recovery that it didn't but you know what, that is okay. Each day is different.

Can you put some exercise gear next to your bed? Go for a walk each morning, even if it is just around the block. Once done, you have achieved something.

With the lonely aspect, we need to get your mates to understand what is happening to you and this is where the videos come in handy. Can you invite a couple of close mates over, talk to them about why you cannot go out and then show the videos. Visual representation of depression, anxiety and PTSD is sometimes a lot more easier to understand that when we try to explain it.

Keep posting back and we will support you through this time, particularly whilst you are getting used to new meds.

Take care

Mark

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Kate_T,

Thanks for your post.

Sounds like you're having a hard time and that your friends don't fully understand what's going on. I'm really glad that you're seeing someone though - what are they like? Do you think they're helping?

I get that it's hard to talk to your friends about things, especially if they haven't been through depression themselves - it's like you can't fully understand if you haven't been there. What do they actually say? You mentioned that you think they think you're lazy - but is this actually true? Is there any kind of logic behind it?

I know from my own experiences with depression I've often felt like I'm just a burden to people - maybe that's how you might be feeling too. But that's often when emotion just takes over and logic goes out the window. If we bring logic back in, then I can see that you still have friends who care about you, even if their advice about being proactive isn't what you need right now.

The other thing I want to say is that there's a big difference between being lazy, being sad and self-care. I'm still learning that myself. Reaching out here is a big step (yay!) and seeing a therapist is another big step. Some days we take big steps and other days we take small steps. They all matter. They matter even if nobody else can see them.

Hope this helps

[Kate_T]

Thank you both for your help.

They just say that I need to be proactive and focus on the positive things in my life because they exist and everyone has negative things in their life. I feel like they're basically saying - everyone has problems and they deal with them fine, you have nothing to be sad about, you have a great life. It's like, YES I know this - why do you think I am so frustrated? Because none of it is logical. I know the things I feel are irrational. I know they are feelings not facts. I know all of this.

The thing is, some of these friends have actually been through a depressive period before I just don't think it has lasted as long as this so they are just like ooh it'll get better when people have been saying that to me forever.

They say that I sometimes take for granted the things I do have which I know but again, I can't control where my head goes!!! It's like it's like it's my fault I'm depressed. Maybe I am taking the things they're saying the wrong way but it is the worst feeling when they say you are something or you act like something when all I want to do is scream at them saying that it's my depression, my demons, not ME. But then I worry they will think I'm making up excuses.

I have always wanted to show them a video of some sort to help explain it to them but I just feel like I'm being self centred and that they are just going to roll their eyes and think "Ugh, I know" or think i'm being dramatic or something. I exercise about 3 times a week, I know I could exercise more but I fast two days a week so don't exercise then and then don't do anything exercise wise on weekends so I could look at increasing this.

Now I just want to shut them out of my depressive world as I don't want to be seen like this, the burden, the person they roll their eyes at. We've had a friend with similar, probably worse issues and it was a nightmare for everyone around her and I am so worried that I am that person now.

Thanks again.

KT

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Kate_T,

Thanks for your post.

Sounds like your friends aren't really able to see what it's like from your shoes and how hard you're finding things right now. I can see that you're frustrated and you're absolutely not alone in that. I've heard of many others including myself being told the same or similar things; like 'it could be worse;, or 'choose happy thoughts' or 'chin up'. It doesn't seem to matter how well intended it is, it can be very hard to hear.

Depression is absolutely not your fault; nobody chooses it. But you do have a lot of control over it; probably more than you may think. Things like our thoughts, feelings and behaviours all make a difference. Being able to challenge that mindset and the stuff that we do all the time, or even just the automatic thoughts that come into our head - all make a huge difference.

You talked about exercise in your post; is that something that's important to you? What sorts of coping strategies do you have for when you're feeling this way?

I know I asked this before so I'm not sure if you missed it or wasn't interested in sharing (either is okay) but can you tell us how the appointments are going?

[Kate_T]

I don't particularly like to exercise but I do it so I can eat (I love food) and not get fat basically.

My appointments are going well in the sense that they have taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to make connections with my actions/feelings to my childhood and why I think the way I do. This is been helpful but also really hard as it has made me realise that I was maybe missing a lot that I didn't know I needed. I think this has all become very overwhelming and I'm still trying to work out how to deal with it and get what I need and whilst I know what I was missing, i'm still having trouble filling the void. So I get very in my holes of depression as I am in my own head a lot. My only coping strategy at this point in smoking weed. It just calms my thoughts for when i'm alone. I know it's not the best but somehow I think I would be in a very different place right now (not in a good way) if I didn't have that help to calm me. My Psych thinks its the last of my problems at this point as I need to get the root of my problems sorted first but she also does say she doesn't know in depth the effects of it as she doesn't specialise in that area.

I am joining a sports team just to keep my mind a little busier but I do feel like I need some sort of instant relief to help myself get through the really tough times, I just don't know what as I'm not really someone who has hobbies.

Quick side note - when replying to posts does it only show to the person I physically pressed reply to or can everyone who's commented see it?

KT

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Kate_T,

Thanks for your post.

Ha, that makes sense! What sort of exercise do you do?

Yeah I can see that would be really hard. I'm sorry you're having to dig through such deep stuff at the moment. I know I had to go through the same thing with my therapist and I'd just kind of cry all the time because it was so hard to process. It's great that your psych is aware of the weed too and hopefully together you can find something that still helps with that feeling but isn't as bad for your health.

Hm.. instant relief; what sort of stuff were you thinking? Like something with your hands/mind/get you out of breath?

Mental/Emotional - journalling, colouring, puzzles/crosswords, painting, drawing, watch TV/YouTube/movie, affirmations, listen to music, cry, meditate, sing, call a friend, reading, a gratitude journal,

Physical - hot/cold bath/shower, deep breathing, go for a walk, yoga, swimming, massage, punching bags, throw ice to shatter it, smash soda bottles/or anything that won't hurt you, hold cold ice,

Does any of these appeal to you? Obviously some are a little more intense than others (like smashing things over colouring), but they can all provide a bit of an outlet. I guess the one big thing I'd push for is trying to get out of the house or away from the weed. You can ride it through. You may even find that looking at things you're interested in turns into a hobby itself.

Oh, and to answer your question - all of the posts here are public so anyone can see them even if they aren't a member here - however you can only reply if you are a member. I won't know that you've replied unless I check the 'My Threads' tab, but this will change in the new system where you can 'tag' people. Hope that answers your question ?

[Kate_T]

Hi romantic_thi3f, yes that does answer my questions, thanks again for your response.

These ideas definitely appeal to me - especially the smashing and punchings things. I think I need these more intense and active things because with activities like reading and colouring, I will always wonder back to my thoughts. I do have a journal that has been sitting there for ages but I haven't been using it much. So I have started to use it more which we hopefully help me organise my thoughts - distinguish between fact and fiction.

Exercise wise - I tend to just go on the treadmill or cross trainer in my house and watch TV. I know going outside would be better but this way, I can stop whenever I want haha..

Thanks again - I will be taking your advise on some of the mental and physical activities for sure.

KT

[MarkJT]

KT, with the smashing and punching things, I can relate to that totally.

When i woke up with those feelings, I would go for a hard run. I ran to a local steep hill and did hill sprints until i was cooked then a slow recovery run home.

Have a good stretch to some good music and then I just about always felt that i was a lot calmer and not wanting to smash things.

You could jump on your treadmill, crank up the speed and also put some angle on it. That will work it out.

Mark.

[Guest_128]

Hey there KT

Just saying hi,and letting you know that a lot of how you feel we all do.

So welcome,sorry I didn't read everything yet, come join our social threads,eg bb cafe,there is heaps so you can just hangout but still learn.

sea you around

Dory