Depression? Mental Illness? What is going on?

[Confused_70]

Hi All,

New here. I am not even sure if this should go in this section or relationships. I had been seeing this man for about 18 months now. He has always been very reserved and quiet. He never really laughed or expressed any emtions really. I found it very hard to get close to him or really get to know him at all. A few months in i noticed he was even more withdrawn then usual. He said that he just gets like that sometimes and he doesn't know why. He doesnt want to see anyone and doesn't even want to speak to his family and just wants to be on his own.

When i met him i thought we would relate because I am fairly quiet too. However I do open up to
people I care about after a time. When i would try to have a conversation with him he would sometimes even come across as annoyed. It was like pulling teeth really. I can say in 18 months i really didnt get to know him at all. Almost like he was completely shut down and void of emotions. And couldnt have a conversation - I dont know if if it is because he just cant be bothered or he doesnt see how strange that was, or if other things are going on.

A few weeks ago he broke up with me. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks in person. But we had been messaging as usual and seemed fine. Then a few weeks ago he just said he can't really be bothered with the relationship anymore and was sorry, didnt want to hurt me, etc etc.

I really don't understand him at all. Someone who really has no close friends at all. Doesnt speak to his family really. We went to his relative house a few times and his sister would try and talk to him, just general chit chat, and he would just reply with one word answers and he would just look bored. He never made any effort to get to know my family. Would only say hello.

Has anyone met anyone like this before? Is it extreme depression? Mental Illness? I have no idea. It's all very strange.

[blondguy]

Hi Confused

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

I understand mental illness after having depression for many years.

Just my take on what you wrote. Sometimes there are super quiet and super reserved people that are just just that way whether its through their upbringing or maybe even genetics

Its hard to say about any mental illness as I know a couple of people that are exactly the same and they will always 'hold back' on their thoughts or feelings. I find secretive people awkward. It doesnt necessarily mean they have depression. Sometimes people are just wired that way.

If you have any specific symptoms as in poor sleeping issues...or basic anxiety issues its hard to comment especially as I am not a doc...just an experienced volunteer.

I do understand you are concerned no worries. Sometimes a partner may finish a relationship as they dont have the self esteem to keep it going and are worried that they dont feel they meet your expectations

you are not alone here especially after going through what you have

my kind thoughts

Paul

[MsPurple]

HI Confused. You seem like such a caring person. I know the relationship ending must be really hard but it is sweet you still care about your ex and his wellbeing. How are you going since the breakup? It is really important to look after yourself and your own wellbeing during this time too.

Him being reserved maybe a sign of depression or anxiety. For me I struggled to function. Had problems sleeping, concentrating (which made talking to people difficult), feelings of sadness, struggling to get out of bed etc. I am not sure if your ex has a mental illness because I am not a a dr but I suggest he should go see someone as he sounds as if he maybe in some distress. I think what you are doing to help him out is really good. But there is only so much you can do. I think suggesting help and being there to support him (but not at the cost of your own wellfare) is all you can do. He needs to want to open up and get help. It can be frustrating but we can't force people to get help

[Confused_70]

Thanks guys. I suppose I am just very confused as to how someone can completely loose interest in you when nothing of anything noteable happened. No argument. No changes.

And to be able to end things so suddenly without any real reason. Only to say it isnt anything in particular. They are just not interested in a relationship anymore.

[Confused_70]

And to be honest i dont think he wants to hear from me. I really dont know what is going on with him.

[MsPurple]

It can be really hard to have a relatiionship end when you are not too sure why the relationship ended in the first place. Have you tired to talk to him about why it ended? May ask so you can get some closure. May make it easier. You seem to really care about his wellbeing, but if he isn't wanting to talk to you then it is hard for you to help him. this is a choice he has made and you have done your best.

[blondguy]

Thanks for posting back confused

MsPurple has some great advice above. Would he answer an email from you asking why?

Sometimes a partner may finish a relationship as they dont have the self esteem to keep it going
and are worried that they dont feel they meet your expectations

[Confused_70]

Im not sure that he would.

I really dont have great expectations. Really just wanted to get to know him and have him get to know my family. Not sure you can do that without talking.

Other then that I dont really expect much.

I probably just need to get over it but i really feel a bit used and just that I never mattered and that is why it seemed quite easy for him to end it so abruptly and the way he did.

[blondguy]

No one here would be that judgemental to say 'get over it'

Just from my life experience I have little red flags go up when I meet a girl that conceals their feelings....and sweeps matters under the carpet.

From what you have posted, I see a guy with low self esteem and some social issues as well

I dont blame you for feeling used at all. He most likely keep his 'force field' up with anyone else as well.

I am like yourself....a quiet person....but not what you have described above....It seems unhealthy

Being hurt is a major pain...I was dumped by a girl in 2015 and she withheld her reason....I do understand how frustrating and painful it can be.

[Confused_70]

Im really missing me ex today. I messaged to say hi and see how he is as we said we would stay friends. Not sure if that ia good or bad.

I just feel very lonely. I need to stop trying to work out what happened. What changed?