I feel for you so much, given the many struggles you face. I think this is one of the things that those with depression or other mental health issues can relate to, the number of challenges. They don't just involve depressing mental beliefs or emotional and even physical challenges (such as with the depressing lack of energy and chemistry). Up there around the very top of all the challenges would have to be inner dialogue.
From my own experience with depression, the inner dialogue's at its absolute worst at rock bottom. It's not just about the way it sounds, it's also about the way it feels and it's about the way it can be so convincing and so combative. As you mention, you could say in your mind 'I have a good life. I have everything anyone could ever want. I have so much to be grateful for' and then depression chimes in with its dialogue which can sound like 'But what's the point if you can't be happy, if you can't be grateful, if you can't appreciate it?'. Then you could bat back with 'Maybe the next medication will work. Maybe tomorrow's going to be different'. They're words of hope, that can have you thinking it could be different somehow. But depression has it's comeback with that one too. Perhaps something like 'You're too broken'. And on it goes, back and forward. If depression was a thing we could sit opposite, we'd see it for what it is. It's nasty and it's a liar. We're not broken. It is determined and persuasive amongst other things. If its job was to wear us down, we could say it is a master at its job and it's prepared to work overtime. If it was a thing we could see, we would see how cunning it is. We would see, when facing a possible solution like 'I will talk to someone in my family about how I'm feeling, how depressed I am', how it puts its arm around our shoulder as though it cares while reassuring 'There's no point, they can't help'. Depression, with its inner dialogue is cunning, the way it isolates.
If something says to you 'You need to talk to your family about how bad things are getting or have gotten', this is not depression, this is what offers you possibly the best way forward. It may be the same thing that suggested 'You need to go on the Beyond Blue forums' and here you are, seeking people who can relate to just how bad the dialogue can get. I'm glad you listened to what led you here.
