Depression and people's expectations

GemAndLogan · ‎27-12-2016

I've been living with depression for a few years, it has been made worse by a lot of traumatic things happening this past two years including losing my mum to cancer, my partner becoming addicted to ice then cheating on me and losing my gran just to name a few;seriously my life has been like a horrible movie, I didn't think so much could happen to me at one time.

I have always been the bubbly, positive and strong person and I feel like now that I'm not, I still have to pretend to be because people expect me to be.

I no longer want to reach out to people because in my head I think that creates more expectations such as the expectation to get better etc.

It's so stupid and it's my issue, I know that my family and friends are there for me but I just want to be alone or just be with my pets.

What am I doing? I'm pulling away from everyone because when I'm alone I have no pressure on me to be anyone or act a certain way. Why am I doing this?

GemAndLogan · ‎16-01-2017

Hi guys! Thanks again for your wonderful replies!

I'm really surprised at how much writing is helping me.

Its like the depression is still there but it's no longing weighing me down every day.

I still can't talk about things but I took my journal to my psychologist last week and let her photo copy the pages to read between now and my next appointment.

My journal seems to switch between the past and present, I literally just write down whats in my head at the time. Sometimes its how i'm feeling at that exact moment and sometimes it's reliving how I felt during a traumatic event. I have actually read back through it once and felt relief afterwards, not sure why.

I've also taken it a step further and started a "blessings book" which I write in every evening. It is basically just a list of things that went well that day, even the small things like I had a yummy lunch or felt better today.

I read back through that last night when I felt a low point coming on and it actually made me smile because i could visualize and really remember how I felt at those moments.

Still have the meltdowns but thanks to writing, the effects don't last as long which is good!

Thanks again guys!

Gem xoxo

White_Rose · ‎17-01-2017

Congratulations Gem! Lovely to read how much you are being helped by your writing. I think putting your journal away after writing is metaphorically dumping your problems, at least for a while. And when, if, they resurface they will have lost much of their power. You have acknowledged the thought and taken it out and looked at it, given it daylight so to speak. It's when we live in darkness, afraid of every little noise and not able to take action because we are scared of the dark that the black thoughts find a home in our minds. Daylight is a wonderful invention.

The beauty of it all is that you don't need to stick to one topic, one time, but you are free to visit all the old haunts and look at what actually happened instead of allowing the thoughts to escalate into disasters. Meltdowns stand less chance of getting a foothold because you have processed that thought, that action in your writing and found it not so overwhelming.

And a blessings book as well. Now that really is putting the hard word on your dark thoughts. Is there a quote somewhere to the effect that a weed cannot grow where you plant a flower? It's very brave of you to show your journal to your psych. It shows you trust her and that is good. Well more then good, tremendous.

Keep up the good work and do not be downcast when you do get overwhelmed. Don't want to rain on your parade, just want to warn you that sometimes events and feelings come out of left field and knock you down. The more resilient you become, the easier it will be to see off these intruders.

Mary

Starwolf · ‎17-01-2017

Thank you so much for sharing those victories.

That's what therapy should be...teamwork. How courageous and wise of you ! I hope you are proud of what has been achieved.

A book of blessings ? Terrific idea. Your last post is a blessing in my book...

And as Mary said, if/when a low hits, please keep in mind that what was acquired cannot be taken away from you. Sure, it can be kept out of sight for a while but it doesn't mean it no longer exists. It will still be there when the wave passes.

Kindest thoughts.

White_Rose · ‎21-01-2017

Hello Gem

How are you going? Have you met with the psych since she photocopied your journal? I hope you found it rewarding. Perhaps you can do the same with your GP when you next meet. I know when I am wary of revealing something, if I give just the tiniest inkling my GP will gently follow it up. Perhaps yours will too. I think we really want to tell these important people in our lives what is happening and get quite cooperative when they gently ask us.

It was my birthday yesterday and daughter #2 brought her two children to see me and made a birthday cake that morning to give me. It made me realise how much we take our families for granted. I often feel I want to be on my own yet when someone takes the time to do something nice it makes feel loved and cared for. It also helps to break the "I want to be alone" cycle. Two of my son's daughters made me a bookmark with a photograph of them on it. Gorgeous.

Is your partner still in your life? I read in your first post that he cheated on you and had become addicted to ice. Not sure if you are still together. I have just realised that I did not offer you my condolences on the loss of your mom and gran. So sad for you as they were very important people in your life. My dad and sister died from cancer, lung and ovarian. My mom also died 16 years ago on Christmas day. I don't know why it appears worse when someone dies on such a significant day as Christmas day. I don't know if it was harder because I was devastated, especially as she died in England while I was here in Oz.

I am sewing dresses for my granddaughters at the moment. Occasionally I get the urge and they get pretty dresses. A couple of years ago I made four (I think) dresses for one granddaughter. She wore a different one to day care each day and used them in Show and Tell. "My grandma made these". I was quite tickled by this.

I hope life is starting to get better.

Mary

GemAndLogan · ‎07-02-2017

Hi!

So sorry that I have been absent! Just a very crazy time of year.

I've been going quite well thanks, still keeping up with my writing etc and seeing my psych.

Me and my partner are still together but barely, we are trying but it's just so hard to rebuild the trust that was lost. I'm starting to think that it could be over which is hard because we have been together for 9 years.

WR love to hear that your family are a big part of your life, it's definitely so important.

Its so easy to forget the positive things in your life when dealing with depression.

Thank you so much for your kind words too, I really appreciate it

And Happy Birthday for last month!

: )

White_Rose · ‎08-02-2017

Hello GAL

Lovely to hear from you. It's good that you are keeping up with the writing. Thank you for your birthday wishes.

They sang happy birthday and I blew out the candles, all three of them, and cut the cake being careful not to touch the bottom, much to my grandson's relief.

I wrote two posts to you yesterday and another this morning and they all got swallowed by the abyss. Most annoying as by then I there was no time left to write another. Probably would have gone MIA as I imagine it was the system having a hissy fit.

Maybe it's time for you and your partner to separate. It seems like such a hard and dreadful action after the years you have spent together. Have you talked to your psych about this? I wonder if it would help if both of you went to a counselling session or two together. Relationships Australia is a low or no cost counselling service. Probably not a good thing to take your BF to your counsellor. Instead have something separate for the two of you. Perhaps you could run this past your psych in case I am suggesting something unethical or confusing.It definitely is hard to recall the good times when you in the pit. I know you journal but I wonder how useful it may be to sit and remember some happy incidents, write them on separate pieces of paper and stick them up where you are mostly in the house. Kitchen? bedroom? bathroom? Remembering the good times is one thing, remembering where to look for the happy bits is easier. After a time you could write some more and stick up new memories.

I'm still sewing. Hit a huge busy patch and a bit of downtime so stopped sewing. Back in action although yesterday (Tuesday) was a right-off and today will be no better. Visiting my psych tomorrow morning and then the day is mine. Friday in hospital to have an endoscopy. Nothing serious, just checking on things. I will be so pleased when the weekend rolls round and all I have to do is shopping and washing.

Please keep talking to us.

Mary

GemAndLogan · ‎20-02-2017

HIYA!

Oh that sounds lovely, what a great little family celebration.

Yes I just don't know what to do in my relationship anymore

Part of me wants to be with him but the other part of me is so angry over what has happened.

I agree that maybe counselling for both of us may be the next step for us.

Thanks for the tip on positive writing, that's a great idea.

I'll give it a try!

Thanks again for the reply!

White_Rose · ‎24-02-2017

Hello GAL

Sorry for the late reply, sometimes life gets in the way of our best intentions.

How is the counselling going? I think you are feeling more comfortable with the psych to allow her to read your journal. Do you feel you had a productive discussion on your thoughts? I do hope so.

I suggested you may want to talk to your psych about joint counselling sessions with your partner. Can I ask if this happened? And how it went?

It took me many years to summon the courage to leave my husband. It was complicated by having children but even so it took a while. Although there were difficulties in my life I still believe it was the right decision to make. The reality of life sometimes makes us wonder whether or not taking a particular course of action was the right thing and in reality we will never know what would have happened if we had turned left instead of right. All we can do is make the decision that seems right at the moment.

I hope you will continue to write in here and ask for any help or just to let us know how you are going.

Mary