The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're seriously beginning to question the way forward. Such an incredibly important thing to do at times, question so much, as we can't hit on much needed answers or revelations without questioning in such a way.
As a 55yo gal, it took me literally decades to finally work out that I live on 3 levels. There is 1)'high', 2)'grounded' and 3)under ground (aka 'a depression'). The question becomes 'What leads me to feel a high, what leads me to feel what grounded feels like and what leads me into a depression?'. Btw, it's about natural highs, not drug induced ones😁.
While there's nothing wrong with feeling grounded and it can be an incredibly helpful level to aim for at times (especially what facing stress), technically grounded is not high or depressed. It's the middle ground, somewhere in-between. Sometimes we can face the revelation 'I've lived a fairly grounded kind of life and that's why I've never been able to feel what high, excitement or pure joy feels like'. Sometimes it can also be about not having the energy to be able to feel a high. With you being a real 'feeler', consider what energy in motion or e-motion feels like. Whether we refer to it as chemical energy in motion that we can feel (such as dopamine, serotonin, cortisol, endorphins etc) or we consider it as natural energy in motion (simply feeling it as excitement, bliss, peace, joy), it can be hard to feel what's not there or what there's a deficiency of. Why the deficiency exists is a whole other story worthy of investigation.
Something else to consider involves 'the abilities of a feeler or sensitive' (someone who has the ability to feel or sense). This is a major flip of the script and a revelation that changed my life in my mid to late forties and how I saw myself. While I spent a significant amount of my life fully believing 'There's something wrong with me' and being told 'You're most likely someone who's going to be prone to depression for the rest of your life' (two depressing things to believe in), one revelation changed those beliefs. I have the ability to feel something depressing going on. The question is always 'What the heck is it that I'm actually feeling or sensing that's depressing?'. Another way of putting that is 'What am I feeling or sensing the depressing side effects of?'. Is no one raising me to a level of excitement or inspiration I can feel? Are they just leaving me vibing at the same depressing or non feeling/numb level? Am I feeling the side effects of a depressing level of B12 deficiency? Am I feeling no one guiding me out of the dark place I'm in? Am I feeling the impact of not putting enough energy into myself to begin with? Am I feeling a boring, stressful or depressing environment that seriously needs an upgrade or reform of some kind? Is it the environment I'm in that's bringing me down.
Being a feeler/sensitive can involve a heck of a lot of detective work at times. Btw, being an empath can sometimes double the challenge. 'Is what I'm feeling my feelings of a lack of excitement/high energy or am I feeling the general vibe of everyone else I live with? Does the whole household just feel blahh?'.
