Constant Unease

[yggdrasil]

Hi my name is Ewan. I have called Beyond Blue many times but never made use of these forums. I have suffered from major depression since at least 2006, and have been on medication since 2010. I try so, so hard to manage depression responsibly but nothing seems to work for long. I have done all the CBT and ACT stuff and am familiar with all the different psychotherapy theories. I meditate and exercise daily and my diet and sleep are generally very good. Nevertheless I still get very depressed. I was in hospital once in 2012 and again in 2016 for suicide attempts. I am in the dark place again now but am thankful I have been able to manage those kinds of thoughts thus far. I have worked so, so hard and somehow managed to obtain a masters degree in science from University of Melbourne, doing very well. In many ways things are much better now with my family life but for a long, long time things were very bad. My sister was in hospital over 40 times for major eating disorders, then drug problems, throughout my teens and early 20s. My mum has long term problems with eating disorders and prescription drugs, along with many, many other physical and mental health problems. There has never been a time in my entire life when I can remember her being far from crisis point. She is frequently in hospital - in the past for suicidal behaviour, now more likely for physical issues. I find the whole thing deeply depressing. She seems a lot better these days, and my sister has almost completely recovered, but I nevertheless feel as if some deep damage has been done to me and our family that will never heal. I feel a sense that I am doomed by my genetics to experience the same misery as my parents and sibling, and no matter how hard I try. I don't drink/smoke/do-drugs etc, but I still feel out of control emotionally. Recently both my PhD and relationship have completely fallen apart. I was no longer able to be a competent partner. I feel totally gutted by what has happened. I feel a massive sense of shame and disappointment with myself that never seems to go away. It's all just gotten too much and I can't see a way forward anymore. I also lost someone I knew to suicide recently that has created much hurt in my freindship group. Most of my friends suffer dramatically from mental health issues. I just don't know how to move forward anymore. I didn't sleep last night and have been having a lot of trouble ordering my thoughts. Thank you for letting me share this on this forum.

[yggdrasil]

Still been up and down. I've started skateboarding a lot again and that has helped a fair bit. But then last week I received some more bad news. My former step father took his own life. He hadn't been part of my life for a long time, but he is the father of my two half-siblings. I lived with him for a good 8 years or so in my childhood, so I'm affected a bit, but it's more the deep sense of tragedy adding weight to an already very heavy mind. My two half-siblings have been through so, so much in their lives, and I'm terrified this latest burden will be a final straw of sorts. I just feel trashed. Like I've been beaten up in a fight. I feel wonky on my feet and ungrounded. I've been suffering so much for so long now. I'm getting progressively better at coping over the last few months, but it's additional bad news like this that can be hard to shake off or stand up straight from.

[therising]

Hi eshort0401

What an overwhelming challenge, the passing of your former step father. My heart truly goes out to you. Whether we're incredibly close to someone who takes their own life or time and emotional distance separates us, it can still be a very emotional event. While now free from depression, it's still easy for me to recall how soul destroying it can feel. When I hear the news of someone who could no longer tolerate the pain, it always leads me to feel deep emotion and compassion for them. Typically, people don't fully understand how bad things can really get unless they've been there.

Wondering if you're still in contact with your half-siblings. Being there for people who may really need us to raise them through their pain can sometimes raise us. This process can raise us to to see the value in our self, to understand our identity as caring, thoughtful, meaningful and so on. Is it possible to raise yourself to and through the challenge of raising them? Given how you're feeling at the moment, it's understandable if this task would feel a little too overwhelming.

Glad you've returned to skateboarding. I think lock down has come with an unforeseen side effect: A lack of excitement can leave us feeling numb. If there is no excitement, we feel no excitement if that makes sense. Being pretty sensitive myself, I'll feel so many things and I'll feel a lack of them too. It's amazing how we can feel a lack of energy. Weird, when you think about it. Usually, if I'm vibing low, physically, I'll ask myself 'How's the hydration factor, the healthy diet, the kinetic energy factor (exercise), the solar power (vitamin D) etc?' If the answer is 'It's shockingly poor' in regard to how much I've neglected myself, I know it's time I got my act together and 'powered up'. I find there's nothing quite like the feeling of having a glass of cold water, feeling the cold sensation move down through your throat and chest area. For me, a lack of hydration really impacts my energy levels.

To hear you're getting progressively better in certain ways leads me to wonder whether you're gradually finding what naturally works for you. It can be incredibly hard to come to know who we naturally are. From my experience, I've found the research is worth the effort. If you've discovered you're someone who can't tolerate a serious lack of excitement, this also tells you you're someone who thrives on excitement.Two sides of the same coin.

🙂

[yggdrasil]

Thanks very much for your kind words 🙂 I'm doing a bit better in the last couple of days. I am quite close with my half siblings - we went out for dinner last night - and trying to support them has helped me deal with my own feelings. I've also been exploring support work as a way to stay occupied during my PhD leave, and as another way to get some distance from my own emotions. I've got a few jobs starting this week which I'm very excited about!