Confused feelings

[Guest_2350]

Hello All,

I am currently doing CBT and starting psycho therapy next month and one of the returning thoughts that keeps bothering me to a great deal, is my ability to maintain friendships and relationships. I actually used to be very good in keeping up friendships & acquaintances and I used to blog, send post cards, letters and emails, call and see the ones that were close enough. My relationships (friends, family, acquaintances) are literally scattered all over the world, mainly Europe and Africa and now also in Australia. I have moved many times.

For the last few years I found it more and more difficult to keep in touch with people and I started to doubt the intend of people and their actual feelings for me. Where I used to be very giving and forgiving, I am now very reserved and suspicious and bitter. I have again and again thinned out my contact list, created and deleted blogs & facebook & other social media accounts again and again and I am just wondering if I am the only one who gets so confused, who does not want to be in touch, who just does not know. And I am also wondering why this bothers me so much and I think I am so stupid, as it is as if a rich person worries about what to do with all the money. I feel so ungrateful and just stupid.

I'm just wondering if this is part of depression and PTSD and if it will eventually get better and I will eventually feel something again that does not confuse me.

Thanks, Yggy x

[Guest_1055]

Hey yggy

I can't relate to much of what you saying, though I really want to, because I do truly care about you. I do wish I could help you with your confusion, and help unravel and make you feel a bit clearer or something.....

You see I actually have trouble making friends, to begin with.

Oh how I long to truly help you, I'm sorry. And I have read a few of your posts, before and you never come across as stupid to me, not one bit. You seem so humble or something to me, which I admire.

Huge hug for you yggy, can you feel it?

Shelley xx

[Kazzl]

Hi yggy hun

Friendships are a funny thing ... and I think, different for different people. I guess it depends on how you define them, what you expect from them, what friends expect from you.

Personally, I find them hard work, and I'm not good at maintaining them when I move on. (Most of my adult friendships have revolved around work.) And then when people don't keep in touch with me either I think oh well, that was just for then. And I'm OK with that, which is probably why I don't have any now apart from immediate colleagues. 

I got bitten badly when my first husband and I split. Even though it was amicable, it turned out all of 'our' friends - people we entertained regularly, played music with, shared our daily lives with - were his friends. We split well over three years ago and I've not heard from one of them since. That still hurts a bit, although if I'm honest, not because of the people in themselves but because I lost a group to play with. And realising that has made me also realise that maybe I only saw them as friends because I wanted something from them. Not very nice, but true.

Must admit, I'm also still ashamed of how I was when I was drinking, and I guess I've drawn a mental line through the life I led then and the people I knew who might remember me a certain way.

I think if you want to maintain friendships, you maybe have be willing to accept that you're the one who always makes the contact. People are lazy, I know I am. Doesn't mean they don't care about you, and they are probably genuinely thrilled when you get in touch. 

Not sure if that little ramble helped in any way, but in any case, we're friends! I really like having online buddies. 😊

[Guest_2350]

Dear Shelley Anne & Kazzl,

 thank you for your replies. I am sitting at the beach now and the wind is chilly and gusty. I feel better than this morning, I always feel better at the beach.

Some day I just want to feel normal, like every other person, without the baggage of my PTSD - I am not ready to talk about it, but I know it has impacted me ever since. I think for many years I was just able to surpress it. 

Thank you for your understanding and your kind words. Sometimes I feel so stuck, it is impossible. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde - everything I know and believe just goes out of the window and let's me be stuck with this person who just plainly hates itself. 

Big hugs, Yggy x

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

I most certainly relate to your feelings. I think the older you get the more friends you make and lose and the memory of those losses can be painful, particularly when they were people you felt close to. As a teenager I spent hours writing letters to my friends (no internet, email, FB etc then). And it was a huge joy to receive mail from these people. I feel certain I would have been like my granddaughter with my mobile phone glued to my ear or my fingers had the technology existed.

However I still keep in touch with a few friends from schooldays. Not very frequent exchanges but enough to remember each other. In some ways these people are bit like siblings, they will always tell you who you are and keep you grounded because we know each other so well and became friends when we were young enough to make a habit of honesty.

But also our tastes and needs change. I no longer want to play tennis or go for long walks. My interests lie elsewhere and that's where my current friendship group exists. It really is hard work to keep in contact with huge numbers of people unless you are going to send out group emails once a week. And keeping track of their various offspring and families is well nigh impossible. So yes, it sounds completely selfish to lose contact but it is also selfish to to keep in contact with those who have moved on to different places. Your energy is better spent being friends where you are. You cannot live your life keeping tabs on everyone. You would have no life of your own to talk about in any case.

Also your life experiences have taught you to be wary of others. I know this is true of me. And since we do not come fitted with windows in our brains to show everyone who we really are, it is difficult to know who to trust. BB friends are different because we do not know each other in the physical world so it is far easier to be relaxed about what we say.

I'm not sure what normal is. There are so many shades of people and everyone carries their own baggage of some sort. I have depression and some PTSD. I spent a part of Christmas Day with my daughter which included my ex-husband. He was there again on Boxing Day with the rest of the family. By the time everyone left I was at screaming point with him. When I wonder if I am normal and presentable I think I am far more 'normal' than him. And yet I am the one being treated for depression and living with the aftermath of our marriage. Perhaps we should change 'normal' for 'acceptable'.

Mary

[Guest_4987]

Hi Yggy,

Just read your post on your thread and wanted to just inform you some of my experiences, over the years my family and I moved heaps of times for the work I did, in the early years it was ok and didn't bother me but for the last decade it started to worry me so much because the people I had worked with changed the type of work they did so I kept feeling I had become useless as a friend as the contact wasn't there anymore. I also found after my divorce I could only hold a relationship for a number of years which was so painful for me.

Yggy these days I have a different take on life…I don't have many friends that call me just to say hello…I don't have a partner or girl  friend…Today these issues don't stress me out to much because I have come to reason that 1. most of the work acquaintances still have there currant lives to live and probably just don't have the time or energy to contact me. Regarding partners or girl friends after much pain I now accept that the most reasonable reason they didn't work for me was the way my mind worked, I gave myself so much pain in relationships no wonder they did not work out.

I have done OBT and Psycho's and yes it was informative as a matter of fact I am doing another OBT thingee on line to reinforce the things I need to work on as there have been some rough times of late.

Generally Yggy my life is so much better than it was when I was younger not perfect but hey who is and I just try and make the most out the day I have in front of me…the worst thing for me is thinking to deeply about things which don't deserve it…big problem for me..I try hard not to fall for it.

I'd just like you to know it does get better you can control your thoughts and be the person you want, sorta like driving a car some get it straight away and some need more lessons but at the end we all have the same licence.

Take Care,my little Lucy says hi too.

Wayne x

[Guest_2350]

 Dear Mary & Wayne,

thank you for your replies. It really helps to see that I am not the only one.

Mary, I found it easier in previous times where people just naturally lost contact. They moved on, their numbers changed, they literally grew apart and it was ok. Nowadays people want to be friends with hundreds of people on facebook or other social media and I just don't want to. Some of these people have not commented for years and I do not see why they should be part of my life anymore. I think I struggle with that concept of being watched from the distance with little or no interaction. 

I am sorry to hear that your xmas was difficult. How are you feeling now? Will it be a while before you have the next family function where you need to face your ex-husband?  

Wayne, give little Lucy a pat for me.

What online program do you do at the moment? What is OBT please?

I am doing Mindspot at the moment and it is interesting and confronting to challenge my thoughts. It is the first time I am doing this and I had some insights into my own thinking. I believe it is hard work to change ingrained behaviours and believes. But I will continue to do the course and hopefully follow up with the psych on areas that I cannot tackle myself. Thank you for letting me know that there is progress possible!

How are you feeling today?

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_4987]

Hi yggy,

So sorry about the misprint the OBT should have read CBT, must go and get them new reading glasses!

I am also doing the Mindspot thing, I find the more you work at your mental health the better things get so good on you for taking these steps you have embarked on.

I know what you mean about social media, I see lots of people I know who I worked with over many years but very, very few make contact, I refuse to let that worry me the reason i use Facebook is to keep in contact with loved ones and the rest are part of my history, i try hard to live in the present these days and it seems to work for me.

It is hand work to challenge the beliefs, behavioures  and thoughts we have. It does work and it has got much easier over the years not perfect but what is. So keep at it my friend.

Wayne and Lucy. x

[White_Rose]

Glad you explained your typo Wayne. I was beginning to think there we had a new Star Wars character came to save us.

I am not very savvy about social media. Am on FB but only so I can see what my daughters are doing here and my cousin and aunt in the UK. Keeps me in the loop.

I had a look at the Mindspot site but decided not take any of the courses. Good to know you find them useful. Good future reference.

Since I had the problem with the medication I have discovered how many people care about me and it is staggering. Also very scary because I don't know how to react. But there are folk who ask me, quite genuinely, how I am going and I feel honoured and touched.

Yggy, my next family function will be my granddaughter's birthday in three weeks. She will be six. It will be a party in the park with lunch or a/tea provided. Possibly the men will cook a BBQ. I can stay away from him and talk to the others. At least another gathering in April, possibly two depending on that granddaughter's decision. I generally manage without too much damage to myself. My GP suggested I tell the family that I will not attend if he is there. Can't do that, possibly because I would scared they would choose him. Also because it means forcing them to choose and that's not fair.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Hi Mary,

I do find Mindspot helpful, but remember for me this is all still new - I am actually amazed and sometimes horrified about what I learn about myself and how I treat myself. On the other hand there are areas that I am uncovering where I will need a lot of help in one on one sessions. I also like that there is someone I can talk to and email when I get stuck. 

You are such a strong and amazing person! For your family it is great that you keep them together and not make them choose, not because I think there might be the possibility for them to not choose you, but because they can continue to see their version of their Dad. My granddad was an alcoholic and a mean person, but he was wonderful with me and I loved him dearly. I enjoyed being with him and he was never mean to me. Sometimes I wish people would not have told me about the dark side & hell everyone but us grandkids had to go through. I am not telling you that your husband might be good with your kids or grandkids, but just to let you know why I say something incredible like this, why I think you are being brave by pulling through with this. But on the other hand I am wondering if you can get some support in your family. My mum and her siblings were on my grandmas side and tried to make her life as easy as possible - my grandparents actually did not split until just before my granddad died. Can you find ways that you do not have to suffer as much? That you can get some "time off" when you have events together?

Mary, you are a special and I give you a big hug x