Hi there,
After 10 years of impulse control issues leading to ruined relationships and a tarnished reputation, I am struggling so bad with the person I am. I loathe myself. But I cannot break this cycle. I've joined this forum as I desperately need help.
When I was younger and single, I used to engage with as many women online as possible. Some nights would see me under the influence with all inhibitions lowered, starting online chats with upwards of 100 different women while pleasuring myself. The the sole intention was to find women who found me attractive and would want to engage sexually with me. 9 times out of 10 though, I would never actually pursue anything more than this online engagement. Once I had finished pleasuring myself, I'd feel disgusting, delete all traces of the conversations and try to go about my life. Unfortunately this led to me engaging with women I shouldn't have been (friends ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends friends etc.) as the more high risk it was, the more appealing and thrilling it was, but then the worse I felt after.
The way I conduct myself online is the complete opposite as to who I am in person (somewhat shy, very kind and caring and gentleman-like).
Nowadays, it is still something I engage in despite having a loving girlfriend I want to be with. It isn't as prominent as how I used to be but it's still a big part of me and I just want to end it.
I loathe myself for still doing this. I just want to stop. It's a lot more vicious when under the influence but still something that happens when I'm sober.
It's like a have 2 personalities; the destructive personality with no impulse control who has no morals and values... then the other personality that is left to pick up the pieces after the other personality has caused all the damage.
I hate this, I am so ashamed of myself and hate that despite being so self-aware, I cannot break this cycle for the life of me.
I just want a life where I feel no guilt, I conduct myself in a way that I'm proud of, I'm not always looking over my shoulder to see if my destructive behaviour is catching up to me.
Thanks so much for listening to my rant; I'm desperate to be a good person.
