Can't stop supporting a family member

[Grace12]

After re-reading my earlier posts from 2018 and 2020 I realise how stuck I am, that I haven't moved on at all. I have a close family member who depends on me for advice, psychological support and money and I can't refuse him. This has gone on for decades. He can only do casual work because of his disability and always needs money although he doesn't ask for it, just says he is struggling at the moment and then I offer to help out. I help him write documents and I take on his worries, am very involved in his family problems, let him vent and try to offer solutions or at least some understanding and support. I am far too involved in his life but don't know how to stop this as I worry about him, although on the other hand I do realise it would be better for him if he could solve his own problems. How can I set some boundaries without upsetting him?

[jaz28]

Hi Grace,

I think patience and compassion is key here. i would take small steps to break away, one thing at a time - instead of ripping everything away at once. start with small tasks - ask him how he could solve it himself? tell him you're gonna to step back and let him try to work it out. then, slowly build up to bigger tasks once he can handle the smaller ones by himself.

make sure he knows your support is always there, but you cannot be everything. you cannot care for someone and lose yourself. that's not fair on you. you need a rock, you cannot be everyone else all the time. it is exhausting. caregiver's fatigue is REAL. you need to step back and give yourself a break - but i would suggest to do it slowly as to not freak him out too much.

i am here if you need,

jaz xx

[Croix]

Dear Grace12~

This really looks like a two person problem, you feel obliged to help your family member whenever there is a need, and he seems to have learned learned to depend on you.

I guess my approach might be to try to build up his confidence in himself over time in gentle steps, which will probably be as time consuming as what you do now, but may pay dividends in the future. Writing his own documents and then submitting the finished product to you might be a start, even a few failures would be natural. Encouraging him to make a trial budget and then see if it goes wrong. That sort of thing.

I'd imagine simple blanket refusal to do something might have the opposite effect and make him feel rejected, his confidence lower, on the other hand successfully accomplishing things for himself would be better.

What do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Grace, I agree with Jaz, you can't be there 24/7, at some point he has to make a decision, small or large by himself, learn about the consequences of what happens as a result, but more importantly if something goes wrong, then how to fix it from all the advice you've given him.

Let him make a choice on his own and see what happens, praise him to give him the confidence and if it goes wrong, then suggest the alternatives which he should think about by himself.

Best wishes.

Geoff.