Bpd, loneliness, bullying, trauma

[Guest_09902673]

Hi I’m 21 just before I say anything this is a full rant about me and my life I just need to get this out because I have no one to talk to. 

my whole life I have never had a real connection with anyone. I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually as a child yes my (relationship with my brother and my mother are completely fine infact we are close.) during my young un primary school I had no friends I was bullied and isolated. 

in my high school years ( my first high school) I was stalked by my neighbour this triggered something in me where I wanted to be popular so bad because I wanted to be loved, edmired and had lots of friends. Instead I was bullied but somehow I still wanted their validation. I started doing drugs having risky sex, shop lifting and so on during that time I had a favourite person “I’ll call her Zoe” she was my first ever best friend I did have lots of favourite persons before her but she was so strong. She was manipulative, gaslighter and she walked all over me. After about 1 and a half years of being friends I had and stood up against her. This is when I started my 2nd high school my popularity was at its peak I had lots of friends but I had such a bad drug addiction that I barley remember that one year ( also I dropped out). 

kind of now it’s been a lot different I am betyer I’ve stopped taking drugs I no longer have suicidal thoughts or attempts but I’m struggling so much with friends and connections I’ve been backstabbed so many times and I give my all in friendships loyalty, listening, showing up, direct, fun, spontaneous everything but I don’t get anything in return I don’t know how but is this is what friendships are like because I am truly starting to think like Tha Thats all thanks sorry for bad grammar

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your grammar is fine, its readable, all that matters.

There is a key you've missed and its essential with friendships. It's common and normal to expect some form of a two way street with friends but if you think like a weighing scale on friends you'll always have issues. Tokenism is the way to go.eg

If you have a friend that you do lots for, contact them 4 times a week and they contact you once a week and only for say 5 minutes. You say do favours for them but they dont for you. To get upset about that would be too judgemental, better to imagine they have many friends and might be busy, they might work part time, have siblings or extra study. We all have activities in our lives so you cant expect anyone to be as keen as you.

Backstabbing- this is also annoying but common- even normal especially teens and young adults. Dont take it personally, just let it happen. As you get older the less it will occur.

I'm so happy you've kicked the drugs and improved your mental health, that makes you a real winner in life. Do some research on friendships and relationships, being flexible is the best way forward.

"The best thing anyone can do as a sign of a close friend is ask them questions about their life rather than talking about ourselves. Take interest- people like that"

If there's anything else please reply

TonyWK