Bipolar roundabouts

[Stillme]

Hi all,

I feel I am becoming more depressed atm from not working, yet my energy & moods levels are too inconsistent to seek a new job and also look after my children. I quit my professional job early last year during mania (unknown to me what it was at the time). So I find myself nearly 43 with 2 kids and medications not working/tolerable and I haven't been able to get back to where I was 18 months ago, before this severe mania swept everything from under me (& the following depression). I honestly don't know if I have the energy & strength to find another job/career/life, I've had to pick myself up before and this time feels so hard. I know I'll get through this as I've been depressed before, but I still feel like a shell of myself when I'm not low. I've lost my self-confidence. I feel like I've lost my capacity to use my intelligence. I'm trying to study again to be proactive and at least try to make future head roads into something but I honestly just want to be a recluse and buy a block in the bush somewhere and disappear. Stigma is really harsh too, lack of followup/care from my previous workplace (although it was in the health education industry?!). Probably the hardest thing though, has been my family, they've been too scared to talk about it, only my mum has tried. If I had had breast cancer or something, I'm sure they would have tried talking or being there, but nothing really. It's really confused me, I didn't expect it from my family and it's really affected my will, my worthiness or lack of. It's been the hardest factor actually. Presently, I don't want to trek to the countryside to see my parents/family, I just feel too forgotten to try. I feel like well, if you didn't try to understand or help last year, in what was one of the hardest year of my life, you missed out on getting to know me & you can't know me at all now, I feel like I've pulled away from them all, indefinitely. I know that's not healthy long term but I just don't want to go and 'hang out' with them if they don't get me or want to try. I feel so distant from family love after this last 18 months, it's not something I needed on top of the mental instability and I didn't expect it. They're a loving family but they just aren't great emotional talkers or good with mental health it seems.

Thanks for listening x

[Quercus]

Hello Stillme and welcome to the forums,

Your story hit home in a big way. We have a lot in common. I threw away a stable job (wasn't manic though), have young kids and no drive to commit to anything new. I know theoretically I am educated and capable but I feel useless. And I had to laugh... I have actually bought 5 acres in a small country town. Being a hermit is appealing to me too.

And curiously enough I've also given up on my family. They say I matter but if it wasn't for my husband I wouldn't be here today. They didn't say or do anything. So I gave up too. I'm tired.

So where to from here? I wish I knew. I'm trying a new medicine soon and continue to see my psychiatrist weekly. What about you? What suports do you have around you?

I think it's great that you're studying. Wish I could say I had even done that. What are you studying if I may ask?

I'm sorry I haven't been helpful. I just read your post and wanted you to know that you're not alone in this.

You're most welcome to write on the forums as much as you like. If a thread interests you join in ok. This is a non judgemental place.

Nat