"Who" would I be without the "darkness"?

[Unbeliever]

I have often wondered what I would be like as a person, who I would become... if the "darkness" was completely removed from me. If one day it just vanished, what exactly would be left?

Since I have lived with it so long. It has resulted in many aspects of my personality, not all of which are negative things... in fact some of them are the best characteristics of my character.

For example, my time spent alone thinking and introspectively searching has resulted in a great understanding of myself, how and why I think the way I do and my beliefs. It has also given me a powerful connection and understanding of my emotions (to a degree that not only men, but most women I have met cannot reach).

I am highly empathetic to the suffering of others and driven to help when I can. I am able to view things easily from other peoples perspectives. I am consciously aware of many problems that people around the world are dealing with and driven to understand and find solutions or ways I can actively not contribute to them getting worse. It has driven things such as the types of organisations I have volunteered for in the past.

It can also be argued that it has likely increased my intelligence, made me more articulate and able to communicate my thoughts and emotions with others much more easily. Also it has given me a deep understanding of many issues happening at the moment that the majority of "normal" people are ignorant of because they are too afraid to look into "the dark".

People in my life have learned without question that when things get bad, the worse they become... that I am the person to come to for help and as a consequence I have helped many of the people I care about through some of the most difficult moments of their lives. Sometimes they talk to me because I am literally the only person they know that could possibly understand how they feel and what they are going through.

They also consider me more moral, more honest and more capable of giving opinions without biasm than the other people in their lives. They seem to respect my point of view because I try to be as "realistic" as possible.

[Unbeliever]

At the end of the day, most of these things are the reason why certain people in my life love and respect me and all of these things and more, I can directly tie to the "darkness" that has been ever present in my life. I am 100% positive that without it, these aspects of my personality either would be less significant or quite possibly not exist at all.

So while I certainly have never been the happiest of people, and have many negative aspects of my personality (far from perfect)... it still seems likely that the "darkness" has ultimately resulted in the unique entity known as "me" and developed many of the specific things that others (and myself) respect about me the most.

So, back to the original question. "Who" would I be without the "darkness"? or more importantly... what would I become if it was removed from me?

[Croix]

Dear Unbeliever~

I don't think that we forget our past, or all the experiences we have had. The passing of my wife left me highly distraught at the time, now it is a memory, it does allow me to empathize and understand a little more those who are undergoing loss.

You can see straight way where I'm going. All the 'life skills' and attitudes you have amassed in your life are still going to be there, it is simply the shackles of depression are no longer swaying your thoughts and moods. I would not be surprised if from the outside many might not notice that much difference in you, however you will. You will simply be you with a different more positive feeling about your life. I doubt the things you regard as important will change.

Croix

[LuLu_]

Hi

I feel so many of the things you feel and have been thinking so many of the things you have expressed.

I think the reasons you have discussed are the reasons I feel I may not ever get rid of my depression. I have relapsed and now the darkness is setting in. I am so lost.

But do I want this? Who could want this? But what if I do want to feel like this?

It’s so confusing!

I am wondering the same things and I am sorry I don’t have the answers. So I suppose I am not very helpful. But thank you for putting my own thoughts into words.

Lulu

[thegreatestgame]

I've been thinking about that lately too, except I wonder if the darkness is sometimes inevitable and can't be separated. Like all of those characteristics you mentioned are what it preys on.

Empathy is feeling someone else's pain. Too much pain will wear anyone down. So are you empathetic because of the dark or was the dark created from your empathy? I've also become more empathetic and introspective but I wonder the darkness is a cause or a result.

I've never had any kind of trauma to make me feel like this, just a lifelong cycle of anxiety feeding procrastination feeding anxiety resulting in deep depressive episodes. I can't begin to imagine my personality any other way. I guess that's what makes it so hard to change now.