Being a bit parentified

[Earth Girl]

I was watching a Youtube and in the video, it said that your parents should help you with your problems, but they shouldn't get you to help them with their problems. 

My Mum is often asking my sisters and I for support and help with her problems. I often use to give her as much support and advice as I could, even when it was over something little and she never took the advice. She said it was good, she said she would try it and then the next day, she would tell me what she did and what she did was the exact opposite of what I suggested. For example, she'd tell me these dumb, over the top arguments she had with people while playing table tennis, then I would explain to her ways she can be more assertive, so it doesn't get to that point, then she said that it sounded really good and that she would try it and the next day she would tell me that she told so and so to f off and all sorts of things.

What makes it even more annoying is that when I tell her about my problems (which are a lot more serious than being about things like ping pong), she usually acts like she couldn't care less. Even if I'm getting bullied really badly or if I'm talking about something that happened when I was having a psychotic episode, she just doesn't care most of the time and my Dad cares even less. 

The Youtube video also said that your parents shouldn't be naked in front of you if you are over the age of 2 (which I knew before watching this because... ewe), but my parents do this all the time. My Dad will walk around in a long T-shirt without any pants on and just pull his T-shirt down when his not in his room and my Mum will walk around the house completely naked, she'd even look out the loungeroom window, hands on hips, completely naked and if we said something she would go "Nobody outside will be able to see me because of the plants."

Whenever we would ask/tell her if she could stop/to stop walking around the house naked, she would get mad at us and sometimes scarily mad at us. The last time I nicely asked her not to she went "Oh Earth Girl, you're such a drama queen!" and then I said, "How would you feel if your Mum walked around the house naked?" and she went "Oh! I would throw a fit!" then I said, then maybe you should stop doing it!? and she said "Okay, well, I'll think about it." 

What do you mean you "will think about it"?!

She sometimes even goes outside to take the bins out without any pants on.

They also don't think they need to wash their hands after going to the toilet after going number 1 because "he doesn't get it on his hands" or "urine is sterile." 

They drive me crazy.

[white knight]

Hi again Earth Girl

I know its hard but I had to try for many years not to have expectations from any of my advice given out. It's the same here in this champion role in that I can spend time answering someone's post and not receive a reply. For some that would feel that they've wasted their time but for me I take the view that they have freedom to not reply and they might one day think about my advice and take it then. Same as your mum, she took your advice but when the conflict occurred she decided not to take it on that occasion- that doesnt mean she wont next time especially when she find that swearing didnt work out lol. 

Re: " (which are a lot more serious than being about things like ping pong). To your mum ping pong and the conflicts there is a major issue to her but does seem frivolous to others. 

Re: "Even if I'm getting bullied really badly or if I'm talking about something that happened when I was having a psychotic episode, she just doesn't care most of the time and my Dad cares even less. " This is a big problem and its a problem that you might have to adjust to sadly. Some parents dont have the capacity to understand nor have empathy for mental illness.  Indeed even friends dont. This is because mental illness doesnt display a plaster cast like that of a broken leg, nor can they physically help you unlike lifting a disabled person into a car. It's a different ball game. With your parents you are wanting the understanding that isnt in their makeup. So they are the wrong people to seek it. It results in you finding people that do have the empathy or can treat you for it. 

My father couldnt hammer a nail into wood so I didnt seek him out to give me advice on building a cubby house. But if I needed advice on girls he was daddy Wikipedia!!

I admit I laughed- about your mum and the plants shielding her nakedness. A little anonymous letter in your letterbox suggesting its grotesque and police will be notified might be the way to go or ask a nudist camp to send an invitation lol  Look every family has their irregularities. I was listening to a talk back radio show and this lady visited her in-laws and was aghast that when they went to the toilet even for number 2's they left the door open and kept talking to a family member as they stood in that doorway!!! Eweee! Of course you are right about the hygiene issue which is simple laziness. But there's a point whereby your complaints dont work and at that point all you are doing is dividing a wedge between you all. The best idea I think is to plan your exit- live away from them and in your home you enforce your own rules- stringently!

I suppose a nude parent is batter than no parent at all. Xmas present- undies.

Look at the funny side but I get it.

TonyWK

[Earth Girl]

Hi White Knight! 

If it helps, when I was a teenager, I used a different forum and I didn't always reply to people who were trying to help me on it which I feel bad about now, but I did read all their replies, and they did help still. I wish I thanked them, but at least now I can do that on here. I imagine most of the people who don't reply to your posts on here at least read what you have to say and get something out of it. It's also nice feeling supported.

Haha, yeah, she can go a bit over-board with the swearing at people when she's angry and I agree that while it's gross that my Mum just stands there naked, her reasoning for it is funny. I have no idea how she finds such excuses lol.

I am planning to move out soon so that will probably make things a lot easier. 

Haha, yeah, at least I have funny stories I can tell. I wonder what the neighbors would think if they saw my Mum standing there naked though or taking the recycling out without any pants on. Oh, dear haha. 

Thanks again, White Knight. 🙂

[Earth Girl]

I know that ever family technically has some issues and that there are families who are extremely bad, but my relationship with my family isn't good like it seems like it would be. I feel like people just see our beautiful garden and our nice street that we live in and the way my parents act when they are not behind closed doors (such as inside the house or car) and see them being really friendly, talking to the birds and my Mum talking to people walking past and telling lots of people how happy their dog looks when she sees them walk by. But they have no idea how mean they can be. Are they sometimes very nice to me even behind closed doors? Sure, but it's strange because while they can sometimes be really nice to me, they can also be super mean to me behind closed doors when there is no need to be.

[Earth Girl]

My Mum talks AT me practically all day long and my Dad doesn't want to talk to me at all. When they were driving me to my volunteering shift, my Mum said, "I'm interested to hear what cats they have today" and then my Dad said, "I'm not". At least my Mum was pretending to be interested in something to do with me. 

Another time when they were driving me there, my Mum was super angry and passive aggressive the whole way there, but as soon as we got to the parking lot, she started being all nice in the car. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my parents and it's exhausting. They either don't tell me what's wrong and give me the silent treatment, or tell me, and it will be over the smallest thing and if I say anything back, they'll angrily give me the silent treatment again.

[Earth Girl]

When I try to nicely let them know that I feel hurt, they just say "We're not perfect!" "Other families have it worse" It's common for families to have a weakest member who gets picked on the most". I used to get bullied so much by my family that even they had some idea that I got bullied the most in the family, but I've never gotten an apology for it or anything and it still kind of happens just not to the extreme like it used to. They used to insult me all day long, every day and I can't even remember what they said because my mind blanked it out.  They even talk very differently when outside than they do when they are inside. It's really hard to explain how mean they can be especially since they hide it. Admittedly, if I wasn't in this family, I would probably think they were really nice and couldn't even imagine them being mean to their middle daughter. 

[Earth Girl]

I wrote more but accidentally deleted it. So now I feel even worse. It sucks only being able to talk to about my problems on the computer and not in real life. Typing it all down is exhausting. I can't bring myself to type up what I accidentally deleted. I'm so sick of people thinking my parent are saints and that it's all me. I'm sick of my parents acting one way behind closed doors and another as soon as they get to the front door or arrive somewhere. I'm sick of them hurting me when there's no need to and not truly listening to me.

[Earth Girl]

Hi Spinebill, I received a notification that you replied to my post, but I cannot see your reply. Thank you for replying! I will let Beyond Blue know that my replies sometimes don't show up and try to find your reply. 🙂

[white knight]

Thanks for your replies. There's a saying "familiarity breeds contempt". That might answer why your parents are abrasive to you behind closed doors. So what can you do about it?

As we grow older we realise that there's many ways to tackle a problem and often the wisest way is the half way point between radical/excessive reaction and doing nothing.

Eg. Some people move interstate away from toxic family members where 3 suburbs away would have achieved the same but still close to friends.  

When youre in the car and your dad confirmed he had no interest in your work an ideal answer might be "well dad its a voluntary job to help animals, you could at least be proud of me".

So speaking up can achieve relief from letting out your thoughts and turning their unpleasant remarks back on them. If you dont do this (respectfully) you are in effect a punching bag for them to say anything they like with no repercussions. It as time for them to learn that like other people in the world, you have feelings also.

Wisdom in answering them is an art. Eg "well dad, my supervisor appreciates my work there". Or "thats not nice dad, be nice". You'll find your own words but rebuttals are needed.

When you move out that will give you the power of regulation, how often you see them and even if you want to answer their phone calls. Use those tools to your advantage.

I hope that helps. Thankyou for doing that volunteering job, you display a kind heart.

TonyWK 

[Earth Girl]

Thanks so much for all your support White Knight! 

If I spoke up when my Dad made that comment about me and the cats, he would probably either gaslight me and say "Augh, I just meant... *something that he didn't actually mean* or he'd sigh and if I said that I was trying to help them, he'd probably say "Well we help you. We are driving you there, we fed you, etc"

I never know what to say when my Mum asks me "How are you feeling today?" because if I say I'm good, she'll talk about how it's good that I feel good and tell people that I'm doing well when I'm not, but today, I tried saying "I'm not good, just the same as usual, having to pretend that I'm okay all the time" and she just said, "oh, okay" and started talking about something irrelevant.

It's so hard to know what to say to them. I also don't want to risk them getting scary (really angry and mean) when I stick up for myself, but I can't just let them walk all over me anymore so I'm going to try really hard to stick up for myself, no matter how scary they get (especially Dad, because he can get super scary). I always try to stick up for myself in a respectful manner, but they are rude back regardless which is really annoying and my Mum sometimes says "Well, I like when you are nice about it" even though I am almost always nice about it until they keep being rude to the point where I start crying, even then I'm not being rude back to them, I'm just not as polite as I was the first three times I tried to tell them what's wrong.

I will have to answer their phone calls when I move out, otherwise, they will get mad at me. I'll try not to visit them very often though (since I won't want to). I actually kind of want to cut them off, but they will tell everyone about it and not even understand why. They believe that people should keep in contact with their parents (unless they are unbelievably bad e.g. beat their children up all the time).

My Dad also used to smack me (whoop me) every chance he got. If my sisters and I did the tiniest thing wrong, it's like he thought "yes, I get to hurt them." He once even said to my younger sister and I "Since you two will probably do something wrong while I'm at work, I'm just going to smack you now" and then whooped us. He thought his "smacks" were discipline, but it was really just abuse. 

Aw, thanks White Knight! You have a very kind heart for helping so many people on this forum!

I think what gets to me the most is people think my parents are so nice and it's all just me because they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. They think they do, but they don't. I don't tell people that they have nice parents if they tell me that they don't because I'm aware that they know their parents more than I do.

Sorry about all that haha, I just feel like I'm going a bit crazy because I'm lonely and my parents make me feel worse. I want my younger sister to move back to our city, but I don't think she will. 😞 She actually moved because she also was having a lot of problems with our parents.