back down the rabbit hole

[mr magoo]

reading posts from years ago nothing has changed most times worse especially atm i’m not in the business of blaming other people for where i am definitely a reality check glad im trying to help myself 

[Croix]

Dear Mark~

Welcome back to the Forum. I have read though your previos posts just now and I guess as somone with bouts f depression I found htere was a lot about yourself that you have missed. In fact I found a fair bit of what you said encouraging 

OK so you have bad days and all the hopeless self-blaming thoughts flood in, that's depression at work, happens to both of us. However it does not end there. You have good days too where you appreciate your life.

The two may not balance out exactly but that appreciation is there inside, part of you. It is somethng to try to emphasize.  When I read what is happening to make you doubt yourself and feel hopeless it seems to me it at least in part caused, not by you, but by others. Your work environments apart from that first one have not been ones you  enjoyed, so you stopped them and looked for others

In a way that's quite sensible, sticking to something unpleasant when there is the chance of better is a way of looking after yourself. You, like me, have no crystal ball so we reach out blindly seeking - and good things can happen as a result, not just more of the same

The people in the house that leave it in a mess are not considerate, and that untidiness would upset many,  not just you.

You have gained wisdom. You have learned to realise when things are going down and to reach out before the get worse - you phoned your wife, and with that support you were able to realise that you had the capability to finish the day and not go home early.

Losing time due ot illness is simply somthing handed to you by life - one of the unpleasant gifts it gives you. Not your fault, and bearing up and continuing as best you can shows determination.

Frank;y from what you have said I only have one worry, and that is you never sort out clinical help. My apologies if you have, I'm simply going on your remarks about trust issues.  I found I could not improve by myself, I eventually sought out the doctors in desperation, and over time with medication and therapy I've improved a lot, and the ups and downs are less frequent and less severe. My life is good.

Incidentally I doubt your trust issues are complete, I get the impression you trust your wife - and having a partner's support makes a lot of difference.

In passing I'll point out with one exception every time you posted here things were not good - not a fair sample of your life as a whole.

Use me as an example -hang in htere, life does get better.

I do hope you would like to talk some more

Croix

[mr magoo]

thank you very much for your reply Croix I appreciate your support I have left alot out i’m not an author and will try not to write a book You are right there are good days and much to be thankful for I’ll start with recent events a few weeks ago my foreman at work blasted off at me in front of the other staff i listened and said you don’t have to swear at me anyway later on that day he message me and apologised,great I messaged back no worries but the damage is done,rule number 1 boss is always right Following day fine next day at it again belittling me in front of anyone who happens to be there this has been going on for the best part of ten years and a week ago i got to sunday and couldn’t face it messaged the big boss and said i’m sick and wouldn’t be in for a few days because i need to get some help went to doctor monday and got pills and medical certificates for the week i’m casually employed so no sick day’s or paid holidays i’m nearly 60 brikkies labourer for the last 11 years with the same company have had a week on meds and planning to get counseling like I said i could write a book but that’s a brief outline of recent events thank you for your help and understanding 

[therising]

Hi mr magoo

My heart goes out to you so much, as I can relate to not being a fan of that rabbit hole at times, especially the darkest parts. So hard to not get stuck in those parts for extended periods of time.

As a 55yo gal, took me literally decades to work out what that rabbit hole's really about, for me anyway. I like to think of it as 'the rabbit hole of greater self understanding'. Whether we go down there voluntarily (looking for answers) or someone else takes us down there while giving us no choice but to explore, the objective is the same. Something has to come to light, otherwise we remain lost in the dark. 

In my mind, the rabbit hole begins with one entrance and then splits into 3. There's a mental/psychological channel to explore, when it comes to who we are and how we tick. There's also a physical/biological/chemical channel to explore. Then there's a natural channel or what some may refer to as soulful. Each one then has its own offshoots. The further you go in, the more you start to discover intersecting points. Take your foreman for example. His mental abuse (which can perhaps act as fuel for your inner critic) has physical side effects which can impact your nervous system, generate tension in your muscular system and alter your chemistry, generating cortisol and other chemicals in your body. And, of course, he has a rather soul destroying approach to managing by the sound of it. 

I'd say one of my most illuminating discoveries down that rabbit hole would have to be 'I'm a feeler yet no one ever taught me how to feel in constructive ways' or 'I'm naturally sensitive yet no one ever taught me how to sense in constructive ways'. To become a master of feeling or sensitivity becomes the goal. 'How do I learn to master the volume dial when it comes to the amount of stuff I'm feeling/sensing?' or 'How do I learn to master the on/off switch?' are just a couple of key questions down the rabbit hole. A good example of that volume dial could relate to paramedics. While you can have some intensely sensitive paramedics who can easily and deeply feel for others (a part of their nature), they can turn the dial down to a degree in order to employ logic regarding treatment. 

It definitely pays to have a guide or some guides down the rabbit hole with us. These are the kinds of people who are not only familiar with the territory we're exploring but they also know how to help shed light on things. From my own experience with depression, 'lost and alone in the dark' can be a brutal, hopeless and soul destroying feeling, that's for sure. 

[mr magoo]

thank you very much for your support it started getting really bad a few years ago when the foreman was yelling at me i told him i’m not deaf well not completely anyway and he said but you are useless unfortunately that flicked the switch and I asked him threateningly if he’d like to repeat what he just said,terrible behaviour I know,he messaged me when i was on my way home saying i hope you have found another job so i resigned myself to the fact it was over I rang the big boss just to say goodbye and thank him for the years of employment and he didn’t know anything about it told me that is heat of the moment stuff and pull my head in and get my butt back there which i did,one of hardest things i’ve ever done foreman made my life hell and has done on and off ever since.Another 5 years goes by and i’m on the verge of a meltdown,it’s like every time something is wrong in his life he rips into me Since the incident when he sacked me i have been very quiet and kept to myself because if i am ever friendly with another staff member he jumps on them as well and i can’t stand the thought of someone else copping what i get Anyway back to it on monday,no idea how it will go but if the past 10 years is anything to go by not well Thanks again for your kind help and understanding 

[Croix]

Dear Mark~

Thanks for explaining. Being bullied - which is what this is - is a horrible position to be in leaving one feeling powerless. As you are a casual it might seem to you that your foreman has more power than he actually does. Fortunately the big boss seems more sensible and values your work over the last 10 years

Getting some counceling and clinical assistance seems a good idea, particularly as it stops you from having to face this alone without an outsider's view.

If you do not mind me saying so I feel you are being over-protective to your workmates and if hte foreman treats them badly for thier friendship wit you then they, being adults, are as capable as you of taking action to defend themselves.

The other practical thing is if yoou keep too much to yourself you are depriving yourself of allies and support at work. If enough individuals complained at the foreman's treatment then he would be on the defensive, not aggressive.

I hope a week away has been enough to get you mental strenght back and you are able to deal with the situation. Please do not lose you temper, document and when it becomes a long list complain.

Do yo have anyone in your life, partner, family member or friend who you can talk this over with and get some support.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[mr magoo]

Thank you Croix my family is supportive and I’m a biker so have a lot of support there I decided it was best to keep away from work this week as the foreman was supposed to be leaving but unfortunately I think he realises how close I am to breaking and has decided to stay I will be going back tomorrow and hopefully have the strength to ride out the storm Thankyou you guys are great 

[mr magoo]

The big boss put me in this crew years ago because he got sick of employing people for this position and he straight out told me this foreman can’t keep staff,in the last ten years he’s managed to get rid of everyone he doesn’t like apart from me I think he’s determined to break me before he goes and I’m burnt out and tired from enduring it 

[Croix]

Dear Mark~

Thanks for telling me all the circumstances, it explains a lot, particularly about your foreman's character, something oyur boss is obviously aware of. Unfortunatly there are some toxic people in the world and they can hard to get rid of. I would not be surprised if your  boss would be happier if he could get rid of him and get someone who was more of a team leader, not a bully. 

I  rode a motorbike every day to work since I was a kid until my spine gave out in recent times. There is nothing quite like two wheels on the road, open to the sky - even in the rain. I  miss it having to drive a cage instead.

I guess, unless jobs grow on trees, of stepping back and seeing him for what he is, a trouble making bully. It is not you that is at fault, or weak, it is him stepping outside the bounds of proper behavior putting you in an impossible position. 

I've already suggested you reverse your policy and make comrades out of the others at work. Not only can you band together but may find you enjoy their company and this can make work a better place with that foreman not seeming as important.

If you can get some counceling (may be a bit expensive but can be worth it) then perhaps you can be advised as to the best way to respond when he goes over the top and also worry about it less at home.

People in your position do need outside advice, there's no advantage in going it alone. Your can always have a chat wiht our councilors 24/7 who can advise or steer you towards organizations that do

Wishing you it all goes smoothly

Croix

[mr magoo]

Thank you Croix if i didn’t ride a bit at the moment i may not be here now It’s the only time when i’m mindful and everything else is gone out of my head I have tried to make allies with my work mates but i think they are either too scared and i don’t blame them or climbing the ladder I was supposed to be back at work today but when i messaged the big boss yesterday he said they only have a part day today so try tomorrow I know he won’t be happy that i have been off for a week but he told me two weeks ago the other guy would only be there for another couple of weeks but i found out he might be there till xmas I thought by being off last week i could get myself into a better space and then he would be gone I am going back to the doctor on saturday to discuss medication and counseling I would really appreciate your advice Thank you