Ashamed, middle aged, feeling at rock bottom

[Mayfreed]

I am 46 and have long dealt with depression and anxiety, I have been separated for 2 and a half years now and have been managing well, I have a good job I enjoy although am quite a bit older than my colleagues, and although they are lovely this can feel very isolating at times. I thought I was doing better after my separation and have been on a couple of dating sites but remove myself shortly afterwards because it is a blow to my self esteem. Last night I went out with some drinks with a friend and ended up inviting a man in his 20s who I had been chatting to on a dating site to my apartment. I thought it was flattering for someone to tell me I am sexy. I ended up having sex with this much younger person who I don’t even know, which is out of character for me, my little apartment has been my sanctuary since my separation and I don’t let many people in here, which is why I feel so ridiculous and bereft. I know this person is not unsafe and have respectfully asked that he does not contact me again. I feel like a pathetic, middle age woman and I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t want to leave my apartment today, I don’t want the world to see my face. I feel so alone, I thought I was doing well but this feels like an absolute low point that I am not sure how to move on from. I have managed to shower and absolutely had to put fresh sheets on my bed. I know I need to avoid alcohol, I think I’d be too ashamed to even tell this to my counsellor. Does this happen to other people?

[Mayfreed]

Not at all appropriate, these things are important to discuss

[Croix]

Dear Mayfreed~

I'm glad I did not offend, thank you for your reassurance.

One of the real downsides of living alone is one has time to brood, and nobody to gainsay your thoughts when they are filled with self-blame and shame, two feelings you really should not have.

I' glad you told friends and they were supportive.

As for the future, please do not let this incident act as a barrier to future involvement. I would imagine if your decision is made on instinct/liking and a conscious determination to get to know someone more closely, then whatever happens you will not have these self-recriminations in the morning.

Croix