Any tips on how to move on and be positive?

[HeyHeyPeople]

Hi, I'll try to keep it short but with enough info.

I lost my job in March not because of covid but by being screwed over by a co-worker ( I think this is where I started to feel extremely depressed )
but I tried to not let it phase me, I was seeing someone at the time, she is wonderful, I put more time into her than she did for me and when she told me that we are probably better off being friends, it hurt. I knew it wouldn't work out between us, because I want children and to live a simple life while she doesn't want kids and wants to live large. I knew it wouldn't work but she was such a genuine, honest and caring person, she took me out of my comfort zone, improved my health and wellbeing and taught me a lot but I can't let go of the feeling that my life is going to be.. different in a bad way , maybe not having kids wouldn't be so bad if I got to stay with her.

I visited her a few days ago and she wanted to let me know that she has been dating someone, it tore through me, it was only about 2 weeks after she wanted to be friends, she admitted that she didn't have the same feelings for me that I did for her. She told me about him, he sounded perfect, Dr, Tall, Bodybuilder, and I can't help but compare myself. Which I know doesn't help. I've had breakups before, but this felt different, I truly feel like I've lost the only thing that could make me feel good.

It just feels like I lost everything I was happy for in my life in one go, I stopped going to Gym, walking, going out, enjoying life, it's all of a sudden a struggle to leave my computer chair, I don't even enjoy playing games anymore, started eating a lot of fast food, I've turned down multiple job offers, become lazy and complacent with a sad outlook on life, I cry sometimes for a reason and other times I cry for no apparent reason at all, I get massive anxiety out of the blue and it doesn't seem to go away, and my GP just put me on an antidepressant which makes me feel like I have a problem.

I guess what I'm asking for is any idea on how to move on or make myself realize it's not the end of the world, I feel hopeless and I'm finding it quite pointless to keep trying at life.

[romantic_thi3f]

HeyHeyHeyHey HeyHeyPeople,

Welcome welcome. Thank you for being here and joining us.

I'm not sure if I'm reading this right - but it sounds like since the breakup things spiralled downhill fast. While you mentioned losing your job because of a coworker, it's coming across as the breakup which had the biggest impact on you - am I understanding this correctly?

I do believe it's not the end of the world. I think the reason for your breakup made sense and to me was a wise decision rather than putting aside your values because it felt good to be in a relationship. I see it as a big sacrifice - that while the relationship brought you a lot of happiness, the things that are meaningful to you - like becoming a parent - outweighed the alternative.

So of course it makes sense and it's understandable that you feel this way - and I think it's probably a bit of a natural thing to be devastated after a breakup, but probably more-so because all of these decisions are long-term - which is why it might not feel comfortable to sit with all of that.

I hope this resonates with you somewhat. Ok if not of course because there's a big community here of very lovely and supportive people

rt

[Niks85]

Hi there

Not sure if I can be much help but I had a boyfriend years ago now who was a nice person but also didn't want kids. We wanted different things and it never worked out. I was so depressed and devastated when we broke up and he met someone else a month later which really tore me up. But now looking back I can see why it never worked. Today I'm happily married with a beautiful daughter. It's true that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together it's just hard to see at the time. Hang in there and try not to compare yourself to others. She still wants to be friends which says she still thinks you're amazing. I hope things get better give it some time. Take care I hope things feel better soon 😊

[White_Rose]

dear HeyHeyPeople

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you feel so overwhelmed by everything that is going wrong in your life. It can become easy to think what's going wrong next instead of enjoying today and looking forward to the future. It's unfortunate we go through these bad times and at times it seems like that is all there is.

It's not really and I imagine when someone tells you this will pass it's hard to believe. So what can you do. I see your GP has prescribed an antidepressant (AD). How is that working? It's not the AD that's making you feel you have a problem. It's all the events in your life and your despair about getting back to a life you want. The AD is to help you regain some control of yourself and your life so that you can pick yourself up and get going again. How does that sound?

Yes it's hard work and it may be you need some regular help such as counselling. Did your GP discuss this with you? No rush but may I suggest you think about it.

In the meantime what are your priorities? Getting a job? You have refused several offers and I am guessing you can manage at the moment. Having a fixed routine such as getting up and going to work is really helpful for you. It may be a challenge to do this but you are obviously applying for jobs to get offers. Why are you turning them down? Even if you don't like the job hugely it is going to be of benefit to you and your mental health. It's not good for any of us to spend the day wandering around aimlessly and thinking about everything that has gone wrong.

You sound as though you have some self insight. That's a good start. Consider your options. You want a family which is a pretty health way to think. How can you achieve this? Well of course you know this but your disappointment over your ex-GF is stopping you from achieving a new life. The answer is to get back on the horse but you are hurt and disappointed and have lost a good support person. It's normal to want that person back but you it's not going to happen.

Is someone going to be attracted to you while you wander listlessly about? Probably not. So take one of the job offers and get back into a routine. Apart from getting paid, always useful, you are helping your self confidence after the distress of losing your job because of someone else. This shows in your body language.

OK almost out of words. Please post in again.

Mary

[HeyHeyPeople]

Thankyou for replying 🙂

I'd say you're right, that the breakup hit hard here. I did love my job though and still feel as though losing it had helped in the downward spiral.
What you said makes sense and resonates somewhat, I understand it's natural to be upset after breakups but it's hit harder than other times.

I really do appreciate the reply, it did help me think a bit more positively about the situation.

Thankyou

[HeyHeyPeople]

I'm glad you shared your story with me, makes me feel more hopeful and happy that I still have that chance to have a wife and kids.
I don't know why I compare myself so much to others, just a bit low on self confidence at the moment I suppose, I try to stop myself doing it.

nonetheless thanks for replying, it makes me think of the future which I haven't been able to do for a bit now 🙂

[Niks85]

Hi heyheypeople

Anytime. I'm sure you have an amazing future ahead of you.. all the best

Niks85

[HeyHeyPeople]

The AD hasn't helped yet, he said it may take a couple of weeks , so I'm still waiting..

"It's not the AD that's making you feel you have a problem. It's all the events in your life and your despair about getting back to a life you want. The AD is to help you regain some control of yourself and your life so that you can pick yourself up and get going again. How does that sound?"

Yes that sounds like a better way to look at it, I can see what you're saying, I never thought of it like this 🙂

I am actually going to the GP today to speak to him about a counselor! 🙂 so some progress there

Honestly I don't know why I declined the jobs, I'm so lost with it. I really don't know why I did it, seems I got into a bit of a self destructive mind set and found no worth in working or doing anything really so I declined anything that came my way.

You're right, I can't imagine someone being attracted to my aimless and depressive ways of thinking right now. I'm glad you put it so blunt haha

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and thankyou for the advice, I'll be thinking a bit more on trying to improve my day to day life and getting a job and routine, you may be right that it will help with confidence and my thoughts.

Thankyou again

[White_Rose]

Hello HHP

Thanks for your reply. Glad it gave you something to think about. How did you get on with your GP? I hope you found something positive there.

It's unfortunate that people often think meds will 'cure' them. When that does not happen they are disappointed and stop taking the meds. I think you are right about getting into a self destructive mind set. Because we are disgusted with ourselves for not coping etc we tell ourselves how useless we are, how shameful and all the other emotions we experience. We do need to be kind to ourselves and cut ourselves a bit of slack. Although we often take analogies from physical ill-health it's not exactly the same. You get an antibiotic for an infection, a cast for a broken limb and three days in bed for the 'flu. That's why it is important I feel for everyone to understand what ADs do.

Sorry I came across as blunt. Routine is very important for someone who is depressed. It gives you goals to achieve during the day and although we do some things because it's part of our routine it can really help. Just doing it is a triumph. I go to an exercise every week. I really dislike exercise even though I need to get fitter. The exercises are helping me with this. I find I am ticking off, in my mind, the various activities as I complete them. At the end of an hour I breathe a sigh of relief.

I can see and feel the improvement which gives me the incentive to continue. I don't like it more but I enjoy the chat with the other people there. That was an unexpected bonus. Once you start to feel a bit different you will find it easier to continue. Look for small pleasures and achievements as you walk your path. They are there for you to find.

Once you get a job I think you will find one of the bonuses will be the opportunity to talk to people. I think if COVID19 has taught us anything it's the realisation that we need people in our lives. Flesh and blood, not a computer image.

Go well.

Mary

[ecomama]

Hi HHP

I've read through your thread from the beginning. Man, you reminded me of me about 30y ago, please allow me to share some of the pitfalls lol & POSITIVES moving forward.

BTW HIGH FIVE for seeing a Counsellor, I was SO relieved to read you were doing this!
The ADs may help, but it's a great Counsellor / Psychologist & mentally HEALTHY things you decide to do that will bring you out of this so you soar. Including changing your mind set.

Keep posting here & pop into the Wellbeing sections too!

Okay so you lost "the love of your life"(LOYL)?
It's darned hard.
There was a clear mismatch there. I believe you would have ended up very miserable with no children.

What I've learnt is that you must work on yourself. This takes time and focused energy.
IMAGINE the woman you want to marry and start a family with... what VALUES, morals, qualities does she have?

What ELSE do you want to achieve in your life?
An AWESOME outlook?
A great career?
Buying a home?
Getting into kayaking? lol IDK but some fun activity you LOVE. Have FUN with it!

I made the mistake of "settling" for less than I deserved. Partners who were nothing like "him". I knew and know that hardly anyone could have lived up to him anyway so I threw those expectations OUT THE WINDOW... BIG mistake.

I fell into a hole many times. Made huge mistakes. Lowered my expectations and suffered badly for it.

You need someone who matches YOU.
But if you met someone now, feeling so low, the person would be matching those lower feelings. Ah no.
You don't want a "rescuer" and you don't need a person to "rescue"!

Your idea of the person you WANT to be is YOU coming real soon - watch this space lol..

"Whatever the mind can conceive it will receive".. W. Clement Stone I hope!

I DID forge a great career, that I still LOVE.
Bought my own home by myself, then continued to buy property. (Then met "gold diggers" lol).
Went back to activities I LOVED, found NEW ones.
Had SO MANY children lol! Be careful what you wish for, they came in multiples!

Now after ALL that work on MYSELF & feeling REALLY high on life - I met the ACTUAL love of my life.
Seriously a MAGNIFICENT human being beyond belief. Blew that other guy way out the window lol!

I KNEW "he" existed out there somewhere I was just hoping he would recognise me too. He did.
"She" is getting ready to meet you too!

Put the work in now & you will ALL thank you for it. That's your wife & children lol.

You're doing great. More power to you.

EM