Animallover2

[AnimalLover2]

Hello, hope someone gets to read this ……. Everyone at beyond blue has been incredibly helpful in helping me to get to the right place. I hope I am logged in properly. I’ve had a few weeks just hiding out in my bedroom and sleeping  at every opportunity. Started caring for my mother over a decade ago (she is in her nineties, confusion, short term memory loss, anger and aggression).I nursed my  beloved step- dad until he passed 2 years ago. I am also a full time “nana” to my daughters children due to circumstances . The stress of finding people to “fill in” for me when I am not myself is enormous and I do feel terribly guilty letting everyone down. I always use a “virus” excuse rather than worry my family. My mother gets very angry with me as she does not like “outside help” from strangers. Diagnosed with “carers burnout” again. I’ve always hidden the depression but my grown up children know really, just not the extent of it. I’m sleeping at least 12/14 hours a day at present (with medication) just to escape the world. I know this is wrong, but the only time I feel peaceful is when I’m asleep. Does anyone else do this when life just gets too hard? I promised my dad and mother I would never put them in a nursing home, but now feel like I’ve lost at least 12 years of my life . My mother has always had a “personality disorder” which can make her very abusive towards me and others often. I should have gotten tougher by now but finding it still affects me right to the core of my soul. I used to have many hobbies, go out with friends, and be bubbly but lost all enthusiasm for anything now. Thank you for listening, I’m sure there must be lots of people much worse off than me and even feel guilty whinging on this site. Thank you…… Animallover2

[sbella02]

AnimalLover2, 

I believe you are logged in properly, I recognise your username. Welcome back to the forums, it's great to have you. 

It warms my heart hearing that we have had an impact on you. I commend you on your bravery for reaching out, despite what your mother may say about "outside help". External help can make such a big difference sometimes. Please remember that we're always here for you if you need some more help, just reach out. 🙂

I'm quite the opposite in terms of sleeping, whereby I'll accidentally induce a lack of sleep when I'm struggling. But it is very normal for people to use sleep as a coping mechanism, I know many of my friends that do this. Honestly, sleep is such a great tool for healing and restoration. 

While there may be people with different struggles to you, it does not invalidate what you're going through whatsoever. A broken arm and a sore stomach may not be the same symptomatically, but they're both painful and each one may be dealt with using effective and specific treatments. 

Take care of yourself during the times when you're struggling. Whether it's a phone call or catch-up with a loved one, a 30-minute window of engaging in your hobbies, or perhaps a simple walk outside, these kinds of activities can be so meaningful for your mental health.

All the best, SB

[geoff]

Hello AnimalLover, I know looking after your mother, who is in her nineties, is indeed a very strenuous and demanding job as you would have to do much more than you have mentioned and many times a thankless job where your rewards are limited and only you would appreciate what you do.

When you need to sleep that amount of time, then surely you yourself must be suffering from some type of MI which has not been recognised by others, and there are times when you need help for someone else to look after your mother and may be she reacts to them, just as she does to you, but you take this as part of the course.

You know that she can be put into remission for the week end or more, to give yourself a break, and you only do this for yourself, because it doesn't matter where a ninety year is put, they will complain, but this is to give yourself some time alone and often done for carers.

This will enable you to try and enjoy what you once loved doing and remember that it is often done, because you also have to start looking after yourself.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[AnimalLover2]

Thank you Geoff ….. it took me a while to find my replies but got there finally! Your advice & comments were so true! I never imagined my caring duties would last this long and I truly believe my mother will outlive me (which often happens) as she was a very young mother. I have a genetic heart condition which is managed quite well with medication so I guess this doesn’t help with fatigue either. Yes I was diagnosed with chronic depression years ago but always maintained an appearance of coping fairly well up until this past 6 /9 months. My mother has always been a very a very strong dominant aggressive person, if I mention other avenues of care her verbal abuse is vile. (Catch 22) so can’t win ….. trying to stay calm 24/7 exhausting. I want to just sell up and run away but the guilt would be worse than the escape. This is my last day off ( had a virus) feel sick at the thought of being on duty again. Most people would dread a bad virus but I welcome them as an excuse to stay in bed in peace. Thank you again so glad I found you …… AL

[AnimalLover2]

Thankyou SB…… your kind advice is appreciated & having someone reply in confidence is a comfort (rather than worry my adult children or friends with the truth) . I’m really trying to find the motivation to do these great suggestions…… can I ask you this … can you read the other reply to my post? I’ve just finished writing it and now so tired. In it was my story re: caring for elderly mother etc. & “carers burnout” & depression. I hope so, I used to be like you and just go 24/7 without sleep to distract myself, but this had consequences so please be careful as it eventually catches up with your health. You also sound like a very smart person. I am “inducing” sleep with meds as my head just won’t shut down & unwind. Even when exhausted. I know I can’t keep this up much longer. I’m glad I found your reply too! It has taken me ages to navigate through this site…… I felt so happy to read your compassionate reply. None of us are perfect and it’s been a real “eye opener” to see how many of us are suffering ….. I don’t feel so inadequate  and guilty about not dealing with life at present. There are no “magic silver bullets” unfortunately ….. thank you again ….. take care of you too! AL

[therising]

Hi AL

You're such a beautiful person, so deeply feeling and caring and obviously so exhausted. Not sure if you've heard of GAS (general adaptation syndrome), more specifically the 3rd stage of it. I imagine it's something you might be able to relate to.

I've heard people speak of what it means to be 'a feeler' or 'a sensitive' (someone who's sensitive to feeling so much). In certain circles it's seen as an ability that has a serious down side if it's not managed carefully. Being able to feel people's upset, their anger, their needs, their grief, their stress, their disappointment and so on is what makes a sensitive so deeply compassionate. Such people are such a truly beautiful gift to this world. The down side involves not being able to 'switch off'. Can be easy to 'tune in' but much harder to switch off or tune out.

As a 52yo old gal with 2 parents in their 80s (living apart), 2 older teenagers, a husband, a house to run, a part time job etc etc, one helpful piece of advice given to me by my inner sage or perhaps some divine guidance was 'You have to know when the challenge is not yours to take on'. For your mum, she faces the challenge of accepting outside help. That is her challenge. She doesn't want to face it, so she'll demand you take care of things. Easy solution for her. Far from easy for you. Your challenge is to serve yourself as you face recovering from great dis-ease (mental and physical stress included). You deserve ease or what's easy for a change. You deserve for others to serve you, especially in this period of recovery.

It's one thing for others to proclaim their love for us through words, it is another for them to be actively loving towards us. Acts of love are a beautiful thing we all deserve at times.

[ecomama]

Dear Animal Lover2, a warm welcome to the forums. 

This is your thread, so you say whatever you need to say. We all appreciate your truths and honesty opening up to us all! There's no reasons for shame or guilt for any thing here. 

I am so sorry you've become entangled in this situation. Although I am really GLAD you've come to the realisation that you can't sustain things the way they are. 

It took me a looooong long time to realise I was in a domestic violence situation with my own mother!  
It wasn't ME who called it, it was Police who sat down with me very kindly and explained it. I was in disbelief, shock, despair and denial over it all. 

I also realised that my "enmeshment" scores, assessed by a Psychologist were in the 90s, I thought it was a GOOD score being in the 90s. It was shocking to the Psych! 

AL we've been conditioned by everything to be a "good daughter", "a good mother", "a good nana", "a good worker", a "good woman" by denying our own SELF in any equation. 
You're now experiencing the deep pain, suffering silently (as we're also conditioned to do), as a result. 

You're finding your VOICE here on the forums. 
This is a great place to share your story, receive validation and some sound suggestions, then begin your healing journey. 
Change is necessary. 

YOU haven't done anything wrong btw. 
Also YOU deserve respite at the very least! 
At the most you deserve to LIVE your own life the way you want to. 

You can call 1800RESPECT for support and advice. They can help link you in and send you numbers for Agencies (both Govt and Privately owned) that could help. 
Same with the BB Helpline. 

You can call and call and call again. 

Start dreaming of how you want your life to be. Always keep these dreams alive. Hope Anchors the Soul. 

Love EM

[AnimalLover2]

Dear EM, I have just found your reply after nearly a year! I’m so sorry I didn’t reply to you a lot sooner! I was having trouble navigating the site for such a long time I actually gave up thinking I was just so hopeless. Your situation sounded awful too, and my heart goes out to you……I hope things have settled down for you with your mother. It’s so sad when the person who is supposed to love you the most becomes a truly toxic influence. A lot has happened this past year within my family, and a serious health issue earlier this year gave me a reprieve (long journey to recovery). I actually didn’t care how ill I was……just happy to be away from “caring duties”. I also confided in family members my struggle with Mental issues re: depression/anxiety. Their response was to be very supportive. I could never reach out out of shame and embarrassment. I also found other replies from caring compassionate people like you. Thank you for your kind words and sound advice, even though it has been a long time , finding your words of comfort are still very relevant and appreciated. I hope your life has been a little easier for you too and you have had happiness and peace since last year. My apologies again for not replying to you…….. I still can’t find a “send”button anywhere so I sincerely hope you receive this. Please feel free to contact me any time you are struggling ………I may even be able to repay your kindness even just by just listening. Love AL. 

[AnimalLover2]

Dear SB02, I am trying to reply to all the wonderful caring people like yourself who DID reply to me almost a year ago!! I had trouble navigating this site and logging in, and sadly sort of gave up. I now see how many people really care and hope your life has been filled with happiness and contentment since your kind and very sound advice to me. Warm Regards….A.L.

[AnimalLover2]

Hello again Geoff, I am trying to write back to everyone who replied to my posts nearly a year ago! As I’ve tried to explain to all….. I had trouble navigating my way through the sites and logging in. I have just re-connected with B.B. and hopefully this time won’t give up. I will never forget all you wonderful caring people who gave me such good advice and really helped me feel not so alone with M.I. I hope this past year has brought you happiness and peace in whatever you have been doing. Warm Regards….A.L.2