am so depressed I want to die

[DepressedFairy]

I am a 40 year old married with 2 kids( 13 yr and 3.5 yr old). In the recent months, my 3.5yr old son has been diagnosed as ADHD and my 13yr old daughter is also on the path to an ADHD/ODD diagnosis. I just cant stop blaming myself for this. what have I done wrong. Why both of my kids. Should I not have given birth itself. 

I just picture myself killing myself to get out of this. I dont know what the future holds for me. I have a sick narcissistic husband who gaslights me on every instance . No help in housework or taking care of the kids. Comes back from office, props himself on the easy chair with a beer and binge watches TV into the late hours of the night. 

Iam just so bogged down with this. nothing seems to help...

[Sophie_M]

Hey DepressedFairy,

Welcome to the Forums, and thank you for sharing your story. We know it isn't easy, but we're glad you could take this step. 

It sounds like a really difficult time with everything going on with your kids. We're sorry to hear you've been feeling like you are to blame - we assure you that is not the case, and it's so important to be kind to yourself through this incredibly challenging time. 

We can hear you've had some thoughts about wanting to die. Thank you for sharing this - that's a really important step. We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. If you'd like to reach out to us directly, we encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with us, existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[indigo22]

Hi DepressedFairy,

I am sorry, I did not see your post until now, thank you for your courage in sharing your feelings.

You clearly are not in an easy situation. Firstly, I would like to say that I understand the feeling of wanting to find a way out of unrelenting situations, but your children really need you now more than ever. I would encourage you to take some time to do some research on AD(H)D. One person I recommend is Gabor Mate who has a number of videos on youtube and has book available called "Scattered Minds". He writes from experience as he also has adult AD(H)D. The next thing I would like you to consider is wether your relationship with your husband could be effecting the children, often dysfunctional relationships will have an effect on the mental health of the children. Could you possibly get some couples counselling? Would he be willing to consider this?

Please come back to this post and let us know how things are going, we will be here for you.

Take care,

indigo22