always alone

[hedi]

Hi there,

I am new on this forum.

Am on one hand lonely but also have people am trying keep away from me ala restraining order.

Being isolated and lonely should not make me want to be with anyone.

As a youngster i socialised with my bullies who called me ugly every day and abused me etc and today i know its better be alone than with those who are bad for and to you or when to many times is to many times.

One must have a right to choose ones spouse and friends.

Recognised a lot of the things chriscat wrote of in his post as i feel the same in many regards.

Except I truly know i deserve to feel loved  and have a love and social life swell as a sense of belonging and simply ackknowledged i have rights.

I beleive and know i deserve this but still do not have it and truly have been bullied and threatened , abused etc and truly deserve a better life.

I have been to counsellors since childhood and never found help, on contrary it had opposite effect as did medication which made me feel worse with sideffect and one dr giving me 5 different types medications (many which are illegal now).

Think of the song "ive seen seven drs and they cant help me they say im in trouble and its love i need" 

It may be that simple :0

Being isolated, alone and on top of that perhaps have trauma, abuse, molestation and other things in baggage may not help.

Not feeling a part of community, no inclusion but instead a alienation, bullied and when it hits "adult years" it just becomes more educated and clever.Beyond organised crime and often disguised to not be seen.

I had ovarian cancer 3 yrs ago and am living alone, isolated and ontop of that had death threates, abuse, bullying, stalking etc upon me.

Am 35 years old single woman with no friends .

No social life , no love life.

I also have been working very hard and not asessed my finances or ackknowledgement for it. (yet).

Thought advise plan things to look 4ward to such as a holiday.

But since have not assessed my money yet i can not do so.

Some one i know of went travelling the world when i had cancer and was gone for few months.

That would be wonderful to do such a thing.

One could go on a shorter weekend getaway.

I also understand what chriscat wrote of loosing passion or flow for hobbies and talents.

For me its more been du to so many years of suppression.

Like a artist or author who 4bidden may not flow.

It may not be you.

One woman apparently had a polititian with all her friends attacking her , slandering and it was indeed very educated and clever a ways also illegal but that was covered to look good.

She had no friends in community and lies told of her etc.

She was also a educated and good woman but this still happened to her and defending her self was not so easy despite as she was alone.

Hope to start exercising (get walkman start jogging)  and be more physically active aswell as maybe start attending church but one may feel a fear of people if one been treated bad, wrongfully judged etc so not dared go yet but shall.

Also low on energy.

Have a few people live far away i would love to be with including a romantic interest.

Could say we been in contact "online" as its not in person so to say.

If some one is depressed , what would i advise?

Depends who they are and circumstances.

Exercise, forums, asking for help are a few .

But maybe a symptom is exhaustion and one has no music to pump up with and who can one ask for help and what when forum does not help.

My body has pretty much not been touched in 3 years , no friends nada and specially after cancer wuld love cuddle , massage and one say :give yourself one.

True : why dont i.

One could indeed sit down and massage ones hands for a good ten minutes.

Is that also a part of depression , not grooming so well and if lack of energy.

My latest thought is to start attending church, try do exercise of some kind, eat better, groom body better, clear up legal matters in court now regarding my work and finances and realestate.

And keep faith love and "my people" i miss and love will come be with me soon.

Have volunteer worked a bit also.

I do not know of any one who is so lonely as i.

Every one seems have friends and contacts , specially at such a age.

Even old people with no family seem have very active social and love life .

People speak "watch a movie together", go out for lunch and they always do these things.

I have never really done these things, socially and thats just not ok.

ive been giving love and work( but not been working physically with my body) but dont get back.

dont feel good or happy

can not seem to articulate myself well as i speak another language that most do not know and that is a part of my court case that i am educated and worked hard but not had it acknowledged.

Advise for myself..... to do mean while

Finish of court case and legal matters

start exercise and eat better

study read, volunteer untill my work and finances been acknowledged

Attend church (afraid)

take up a new activity, learn some thing new 

go horse riding

start to groom better such as paint nails and keep maintnance of it

do sweet things to self until lovelife happens such as massage hands 

keep the faith 

keep working determined to get my legal rights met and receive what is legally mine.

go and play in water with myself like jump and skip and keep playful (maybe one day a friend will join me) lol

(that is some one i actually want as a friend)  (in court restrainingorder long story)

try baking (no fun baking for self) (bake anyway) cookies, buns.... awake passion to do so.

Will think of some more things.

Still, what do those things help with love life, social inclusion, restraining order (in court for that one) 

forums have not helped me either feel connection.

had one man chated with 3 yrs (that was 7 yrs ago)but then computer was hacked.

sure we can think of more things that are uplifting so to say 🙂

God bless

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Hedi,

Welcome to Beyondblue.   Death threats ?   Wow - how on earth did you cope with that ?    I'm not sure if Social Isolation occurs only when single.  The marriage I have seems to make me Socially Isolated if I feel that a family occasion will spark more prejudice and discrimination to my bipolar.  And then once you start to be anti social it tends to become the norm.

I like what you wrote about doing things to help.  The best bit being "go play in water with myself and jump and skip"  And cry "FREEDOM !".

Adios, David.

PS   I think you'll find christacat is female.

[S_A_D_]

You are stronger than you feel. Trust in yourself. Your fear is not real. Danger is very real, but you are not in danger any more. Take a deep breath and trust in yourself. You are powerful, passionate, and of strong mind to go through what you have lived. Things should get easier now. There will be many more challenges, but not like what you had. You can go back to feeling when you were child, and safe, and happy. Be reborn as kind of accepted. No more fear.

[geoff]

dear Hedi, if I said to you 'hello my dear Hedi my name is Romeo' you would fall head over heels, forget the age gap, but that's just what you want, someone to cuddle you, to whisper in your ears, to buy you flowers, chocolate, sitting on the deck of a ship headed for Hawaii, your mood would rise beyond all expectations.

Baking for yourself is no joy, although I cook for my puppies first and foremost, they are both like being two Cleopatras, the heater going full bore and of course the air conditioner, as well as the electric blanket, spoilt no way. LOL.

Now would you like me to get your foot massager, just let me know when you want it, no worries what so ever.

Any age group can fall in love, with me it's only dreaming, sure I can be infatuated by someone, but come on Geoff but all my ailments and OCD.

This doesn't mean that Romeo won't come knocking on your door, maybe someone at the church may fall in love with you, ever though you are afraid of going, this maybe the omen that you are looking for.

Depression certainly does have an affect on our grooming and looking after ourselves, and this topic has been spoken of on this site, and David Charles will let you know where to look for it, as he's the great statistical researcher, as he will up data from months ago, so I leave this up to him.

Being denied 'friendship' especially when you were going through your cancer operation, just shows how our 'friends' just disappear when we so long for them.

I hope that the cancer has gone, and incidentally Romeo would treat you like a queen, reassuring you of all the support you need.

There's a lot more to your post that is hidden and this is up to you whether you want to share this with us.

As Romeo would say 'See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O that I were a glove upon that hand,
that I might touch that cheek!"  L Geoff. x

[S_A_D_]

Don't give up hope Geoff. When, at the beginning of the film "How To Lose Friends and Alienate People", at the beginning he looks like he couldn't get a date in a million years, by the end he's in love with that pretty girl. Same sort of storyline in "Silver Linings Playbook". This is why I listen to Josh Groban's song "Don't Give Up."

[hedi]

Thank you for your replies 🙂

Death threates was nothing compared with the other things that went on.

Things that are illegal and I can not write of here and now.

They are worse than death threates and bullying.

Not sure I want to go to church anymore.

Not that ive been going and was raised by atheists but many have not been supportive or nice there i feel.

Been a bit of a meatloaf 35 yrs and my spirit works so hard and gives yet never seems to be inside my own body so my body does not feel good, ever.

Have people that despite restraining orders not leave me alone and can not be happy till these people are removed from me in every way shape and form.

Would love to meet some good people that can connect with and will not have this excluding attitude or steal etc.

Thought church may be good place but after how several christians treated me i have no trust there either .

Just was desperation of loneliness i think.

But better alone than with a bad people not good for or to you.

On contrary had a group of girls (so called woman) laughing when i got cancer cause they had so much they were stealing from me and many things were involved.

If one is alone and has energy.....and one self and spirit and can breath and be....

then it can feel wonderful.

"who needs friends" ....

but with no energy and stagnated and stalking etc does not feel good.

Will keep working to keep these people away from me and get back what is legally mine and  hopefully have some beautiful moments of love and joy to come and feel good inside, not empty and "outside of my body".

Many people turn to alcohol when they are depressed and i have in the past, but not this time.

It can be so destructive if one binge drinks once every month or so when depressed and golly knows what happens, one not one self.

Have not been treated nicely and i treat others nice and have done a lot of work and volunteer work.

My work is often not with my body or in person but its still work and its still my work .

35 yrs being here and am astounded at how awful majority people seem to be.Hateful, malicious and all types of people.

Am astounded at the behaviours and treatment they allow and what hypocrisy there is everywhere.

As one said to me , the biggest bully he ever knew was a member in a organisation called friends which is a anti bully organisation.

To cover up da crime and get away with it and society cheering it on and allowing disgusting behaviours.

Well known names i once respected and looked up to.....

I look at them now and see what they did to be such and most often they fake models and thief's , seem good but is not good.

I dont know if theres hardly anyone i respect or look up to any more.

The ones held high betrayed me and with doing truly evil things with all they are to many times.

I dont like all animals.

Depends on who is inside the body, regardless of what body it be.

Puppy or horse or cow or pig or mouse.......

i have a horse is only one i socialise with but i do not like who is inside the body of the horse.

am holding on though.

love riding and having horses dream of mine but what horses......

this horse was rescue horse and i fed it and cared for it back to survival.

exorcism on a horse i joke sometimes...

yes, skipping and playing in oceans can be wonderful time if one is blessed with moments with oneself and a bit of spirit and eon in da body

so lonely so many years but rather be alone than with these people who in court to remove from me.

one man was supposed to marry me was laughing with woman when i got cancer and they stole things from me also.

Lots of other things ahve been going on that are much worse cant write of here and now.

Best wishes yes.

[hedi]

How could I write such things i may wonder now.

Golly the things that should not been written.

There are people in community and world i appreciate and thingk very highly of as the good work they do in community /society.

Maybe its because the bad behaved ones making self look good always have be seen and are so loud always in such a trly horrid behaviours.

Still, the dissapointment is deep as is the betrayal.

But should not written in such manner as if "everyone is like this".

Feels that way some times and has felt that way.

Thats a part alsofor those who have been bullied.

But then comes the precious moments when that lady in the shop is always nice.

Thats something and that something can be priceless.

If I had my money (in court about it, not assessed it yet) maybe i would buy flowers or plant a garden of flowers to give to such beautiful people.At least some times.

Give the nice lady in shop flower fresh from garden.

No im not courting you, lol im merely appreciating how nice you are and work.

As for my horse, she may be her old self soon.

She may have a toothache.Disformed jawline kind of she has bones sticking out which may be tooth needing filed.

Ofcourse in such pain it may be horrid.

Everyone is not horrid but can feel that way because the bad behaved ones are so loud and so many of them prancing around .

Silly are my writings at times.

I acknowledge that.

I should of expressed self differently.

Will not write my story here as it starts from babyhood , such horror and worse again toddler hood ba ba .

Better now , not being a child.

Being a child was awful.

Was not only bullying but oh so many things.

Now, shall attend church and try do things and improve lack and keep court case to assess my money , restraining order , love life and so forth.

Shall withdraw from here after my blabber.

and can not write of all thats been going on anyhow.

Best wishes ya all feel better.

If you have some one bake for that can be nice but if you are all alone always you can bake cookies for church.lol and then they afraid you poison them.lol

you can bake for homeless or poor folks cant afford buy heaps of treats only afford but some treats, this way they get more goodies inside of them for sweet teeth.

They may not fear they be poisoned.lol

To over joyed to get lots unhealthy bakery they cheer and eat and maybe you poisoned them or are a bad baker and taste awful.lol.

Bake for self and freeze the rest for another day.

God bless

Amen

[The_Real_David_Charles]

"He who has never swooned is not,

He who finds strange palaces and wildly familiar faces in coals that glow;

Is not he who behold floating in mid-air the sad visions that the many may not view;

Is not who ponders over the perfume of some novel flower - 

Is not he whose brains grows bewildered with the meaning of some musical cadence which has never before arrested his attention".

Edgar Allen Poe - The Pit and the Pendulum

[geoff]

dear Facetious, thanks, by now it really doesn't matter, I'm strong enough to not fall into a heap, I've got too much going on anyway.

The saying 'what goes around comes around' seems to fit my situation, I've been divorced for 12 years and no one could handle the hours I live, but your generosity is taken as being caring, so thank you again. L Geoff. x