Ain't life grand...wait while I pick up that sarcasm lying down there

[dare2diva]

Community Service Announcement.

The following is a self indulgent pity party for 1. Please feel free to hit the back button.

I'm currently in a mixed mode which is simply delightful. I am depressed as hell but can't cry. The voices are driving me even nuttier than I already am. I am super excited about not sleeping (no sarcasm this time) I have spent so much money the past few weeks it isn't funny and I am so angry I am ready to do myself in and anyone who gets in my way. I am having physio due to neck pain and I find it so difficult to lie there for any length of time because my brain is constantly buzzing that the whole act of sitting still is past boring and well on the way to the morgue. I can't even entertain the idea of a massage for relaxation.

Anyhoo.

The past 11mths I have been bullied at work. I reported it, it was ignored then I really lost my lolly and finally it was taken seriously only to find the bully had resigned so they can't do anything. I work for the government so we are going through reforms. I had to apply for my job which I have been doing for over 3yrs and I found out the other day that I didn't get it. We have a union agreement so they have to pay me while they find me a job but still it does nothing for my self esteem.

It has made me think a lot over the weekend. What is my worth as a human being? My older sisters family are all into the 'government is trying to poison us' conspiracy and mental health only exists because the pharmaceutical companies make too much money. All I need to do is change my behaviour and I will be fine! My younger sister uses me as an ATM and only visits when she needs money. My father, who lives with me since my mothers passing, is only concerned about making sure he has somewhere to live. According to him I am fat, ugly, useless and no wonder no one wants to marry me. How could anyone love me. I've pushed my friends away because I don't know who I can trust and I don't even have a dog that loves me unconditionally. So if we add all of that to the fact that I have no job, there really is no point to my existance. Accept perhaps the 4 pairs of shoes I have designed that I am waiting on being delivered.

I feel completely lost. I have no sense of self. No self worth, no sense of value from others. This world keeps sending me messages and now they are slapping me in the head saying there is no reason for you to stay. I am trying to find something to cling onto but all the little branches seem to have broken. Funny thing is that I don't feel sad about this. I feel sad about nothing but not about this realisation.

I guess spending 2 days of the weekend battling a blinding migraine and cold haven't helped me close down my pity party.

T

[Chris_B]

Hi dare2diva, I think your situation would have all the makings of a sitcom if it weren't happening to a real person.  

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like you haven't lost your sense of humour despite all of this.  Something in the tone of your writing.  

If you're looking forward to shoes arriving, then great.  If that's the thing that keeps you afloat while you're battling your way through the next wave of depression or migraines (there's nothing like a physical pain to make our mental pain seem 100x worse), then go with it.  Looking forward to my favourite TV show being on or a football match at the weekend has helped me through tough weeks when my brain says that nothing else is worth it.

Personally, I don't believe the world sends messages to us.  There's an annoying piece of faulty thinking called "confirmation bias" that tricks us into thinking there's a pattern in things when in actual fact it's because our current state of mind or belief is only noticing those things (in your case, a lot of bad things) and discounting or minimising the good things... 

Keep trying to find things that make you happy.  The fact that you have some time off work, even though it's for a horrible reason, is a good thing - treat it as an added bonus to concentrate on you and try to push aside the selfishness of those around you.

Pity parties welcome here anytime btw.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear T,

Did your bipolar affect the job outcome ?

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear T, I think if your dad makes comments like to you, then there's only one place for him to go, through the front door, and not to return, this would no doubt make you depressed and destroy any self esteem.

There used to be a series on TV everyday when I was depressed, and really it's quite strange as I have NO belief in god or whatever, however this show was called 'touched by an angel', maybe it was Roma Downeys Irish voice that I loved, or more to that.

It used to make me cry, and my boys would get home and say 'oh no not touched by an angel again, dad'.

This program kept me going for a long time, and I was hanging out for it, but was devastated when it finished.

At this stage of my depression I was not properly medicated for my epilepsy and I would often wake up and a window would be broken, this happened time after time and people would say pissed again, and I said no, it was because I was having seizures and falling through the window, and I did nothing until the day I woke up with my head poking through a coffee table, and then I needed my medication to be revised.

Now you can design shoes well there's an opening there for sure, and the question remains, how many pairs do you already have. lol L Geoff. x

[dare2diva]

Hi David

Interesting question.

I put in a complaint against my manager who was bullying me for 11mths. This bullying started directly after I disclosed my bipolar to him. Coincidence?

I do believe that my cognitive function is all over the place due to my mixed episode at the moment so my performance in interviews is impaired. I also think there are ulteria motives behind me not being offered my job.

So the short answer to your question is that I do believe that bipolar has affected my job outcome.

T

[dare2diva]

Hi CB

Thanks for your reply.

One good thing about a mixed episode is that I can usually see the humour in things even though I feel depressed and angry.

My older sisters family just tipped me over the edge last night. They all believe that chem trails left by planes are the governments way of poisoning us. The latest is that Disney is in with the government and in the movie Planes there are heaps of chem trails and these are a way of brain washing kids to see these chem trails as normal. Good grief. If I came up with this stuff, I would be on a schedule faster that you can say 'the jacket needs to be tighter'. Ah the sitcom that is my life.

I'm trying to keep things as positive as possible, trying to keep yelling at people and shopping to a minimum, and I am focusing on the end of the week. I'm also plotting my revenge on my work place for a bit of fun but that is for another time 🙂

T