40

[Robinooo]

so i recently turned forty, thought it would be a milestone, but i have been feeling so depressed since. i have suddenly had the realisation that i am single, no children, no family, no job stability, no financial security. i am an optimistic person usually, but i have this dread about my future. people have told me that i have nothing to worry about, but these are usually people who are married in great careers, have houses, children and siblings. i don’t have that, i am truly alone. i know things will hopefully get better and i have dreams and goals, as unrealistic as some of them are. but my god, i feel like i have just been left behind and all of these factors have only heightened my existing depression.

[therising]

Hi Robinooo

I feel for you so much as you face what feels like a depressing reality shift. You sound like a deeply concerned optimist which can, at times, leave one feeling like they're dealing with 2 conflicting natures which are battling it out. Wondering whether it feels a little like one part of you is saying 'Sh*t, what have I just woken up to?' while another part is dictating 'Don't worry, everything will be fine. First, you just need to calm down'. To be in 2 minds can be stressful.

Might sound strange but my 16yo son, 19yo daughter, some of their friends and myself have some fascinating conversations about the nature of reality. How it appears to shift with a shift in perspective. It's like things can suddenly feel a bit surreal and unsettling when you suddenly 'wake up' to a significant realisation or revelation. When such a significant shift in perspective happens, I've found it's important to find those who can relate to what you're experiencing. Often, people who can't relate can't feel what you're feeling. For example, the people who've offered you 'You'll be right, don't worry so much' maybe can't relate to the feeling of 'lacking'. Lacking has a definite feel to it. It could be felt as a sense of emptiness or urgency, sometimes generating the kinds of feelings that can be associated with stress, anxiety and/or depression.

When a kind of 'reality shift' comes about, I've found it's not just about a change in perspective or mental processing, it can also come about with a whole stack of feelings in tow. In other words, it's a mental/emotional shift, not just mental. From the outside, you can appear as the same old person 'Simply over dramatising everything', but internally you can be going through your own personal hell as you're trying to suddenly make sense of it all. Anyone who's suddenly woken up to or become more conscious of something potentially mind altering and life changing will be able to relate to how you may be feeling or thinking. 'Suddenly overwhelmed' (by a whole stack of thoughts and emotions) may perhaps be a fair description.

If you've suddenly gone up a level of consciousness, by nature there will be a number of significant challenges that come about. The best way I can think to describe it is through the analogy of a video game. Lower levels (of awareness) offer basic challenges, whereas when you get to the higher levels you have to develop serious skills in managing to stay alive and keep on playing like a pro.

[Robinooo]

thank you, just hearing your words has made me feel less alone.

[therising]

Hi Robinooo

It sounds like you've got some things you're looking forward to meeting, your dreams and goals. Wondering if you're on the verge of meeting some of them or if they're still in the blueprint stage, the planning stage. All dreams and goals have got to start somewhere. Personally, I've got quite a number of goals and dreams yet haven't even drawn up the blueprints, any thoughtful structure. I'm a shocker. I think a combo of all those COVID lockdowns in Melbourne here as well as a serious lack of energy are getting in the way of things moving forward. I know those lockdowns finished a while ago but I feel like they messed with my imagination a bit, while we were going through them. That part of us where incredible imagery comes to mind, which drives us forward, is so important to exercise. I think in lockdowns I stopped exercising it, as we couldn't imagine adventuring, going out, doing a lot of the stuff we normally look forward to doing. Then when we came out of it all I thought 'What the heck happened to my imagination?!'. A few people I know mentioned this side effect.

What about yourself, do you have a super healthy imagination? What does the future look like in your mind, in the way of goals and dreams? By the way, there are some folk in this world who love to take what's completely unrealistic and make it real. They love bringing what's unrealistic to life. To them 'unrealistic' is just a word. Wondering if you've ever experienced this yourself - where you've thought 'Nup, that's completely unrealistic, completely ridiculous' and then, some years later, bamm, it's a part of your life, your reality.

As a 51 yo gal, I can say from experience that 40 is definitely a milestone. I suppose the question becomes 'What is it marking that's of significance'. Achieving greater awareness like never before, of self and life? A time of re-identifying who you are, who you're going to be from this moment onward (perhaps more of an adventurer or risk taker) connecting more to life? Could it be marking how far you've come, how hard you've worked through depression to reach this point? Could turning 40 mark the verge of coming out of depression, a massive milestone? What does the mile you just covered in your life look like and what does the mile that's to come look like?

[geoff]

Hello Robinooo, sometimes people who are married, have jobs but are under pressure or have troubled kids may only wish they were back to where you are, so being married and having a family may not be all bells and roses for parents and/or the kids, which I'm sorry about, but every now and then people say they're happy but may be struggling themselves.

Different people take their own time to become settled and just because you're later than your friends doesn't mean anything, it will come when you're ready and to push it harder than you expect it to happen may not be a good idea.

Much can happen tomorrow or in a couple of months, let it develop as it comes.

Sure all my friends had girlfriends while I didn't but it unexpectedly happened when I wasn't expecting it.

Best wishes.

Geoff.