4.5 years since I've seen my kids

[dl23]

Hi All

Been divorced 5 years, separated originally in 2020. Separated under one roof was traumatic. Haven't seen my kids in 1668 days (4.5 years). They changed their surname to hers as she couldn't have a different name. One is almost 18 and the other one is a few years younger. Oldest never responded to any messages rarely over the last 4.5 years. A rare message I got was when I messaged for oldest birthday and apologised for not sending card as ex would never pick them up from post office. He told me to get lost by using the 

I miss them. But I am also angry. Stopped messaging oldest 2 years ago. Don't know if youngest has a phone or not. Married for over 2 years now. Oldest unblocked my stepdaughter on Instagram (and messaged my stepson a few years ago). Not sure if that is a positive sign or not that he is seeing what we are up to and thinking about us. All the kids got on so well 4.5 years ago. Then completely cut off.

I feel sad sometimes and depressed. I think of all the memories and got sad recently when my youngest had his birthday. I have missed their last 5 birthdays and all of my oldest time in highschool.

Not really any point or question for this post. Just needed to let it out somewhere.

I feel for other people that are going through this.

[Croix]

Dear D123~

Welcome back to the Forum, I hope your new relationship is working well and you are happy (in that regard at least).

Sadly separation and divorce does not end a relationship where children are involved, so you have had to deal with your ex all this time. If I remember correctly you were hopeful she would in the end come to a fair arrangement with the children, maybe that did not come about as you have not seen them for so long.

It often happens when the children remain with one parent and there is no amicable arrangement. Not picking up your cards is an example, she is certainly not painting you as a caring dad by this action, and of course the children tend to see just that side. 

Being 18 or younger does not mean they have reached full maturity, that is some years away, and one can hope that in time they have a more balanced view and see that you love them (if it was me I'd keep trying for contact, though maybe only on special occasions so the link is still there)

May I ask how you get on with you stepchildren? I hope it is going realy well.

If you wanted a voice to talk with I can suggest Mensline (1300 78 99 78) who may have some ideas on how to cope with this loss and greif. It is such a deep and long term feeling not all understand.

You know you will be welcome here anytime.

Croix

It must be most upsetting for you that your children are not in contact with oyu

[dl23]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your reply.

I hope you are going well.

My ex turned my kids against me. Made them think I abused them and probably used my new wife and my stepkids as me moving on without them ( even though we setup a room for them to share to live with us on a 50/50 roster).

My ex even took me to court to try and get a restraining order against me for sending someone to her door to sign divorce papers as she wouldn't communicate with me and that I beat and verbally abused my kids l...historically. The judge pretty much through it out and it was all a waste of time. This is when I had my own place and my kids were still living with me, before I moved in with my now wife.

It is too traumatic and brings on so much anxiety if I contact my oldest son. So I have stopped. They both said in legal documents they hate me (oldest told me years ago I was a bad dad), they changed their surname (which I see as a betrayal and sign of I don't exist) and they even said they don't want me to have any knowledge of their schooling or to come to the school. I had to sign off on it as we would've gone to trial.

My step daughter is very hard to live with, adhd, creates a toxic environment with her shouting, aggressiveness and anger in life in general. And she does not help out and is lazy and dirty. It's nice when she's not here.

I get along with my step son but he can be noisy and lazy. He doesn't do much to help out. He's with us 50% but will be with us 100% when he turns 18. Not sure how I will handle it.

So I need my quiet time in the bedroom, watching a show with headphones. And my wife has a go at me sometimes but it's my survival tool, especially after working 11-12 hour days sometimes. And the step kids sometimes say stuff to their mum as I close the door but I need my space from them. They are so noisy and irritate me sometimes.

[Croix]

Dear DL23~

I'm going OK, ta for asking.

I can understand what it feels like ot be cut off, my parents formally disinherited me when I was under 21. I could then see the toxicity and their lack of love. The hurt has faded over the years as other pople and events have come into my life. I hope despite your ex's efforts eventually your kids will see the light.

In the meantime you are wise to distance yourself as it does hurt a lot to keep on trying and have the 'door continually slammed in your face'. I tried but it only made me feel worse.

I've found a quiet space of my own is a real blessing, somewhere to relax and not have to deal with everything in life for a while and just read a book or some other pastime.

When your stepson does reach 18 he might be at the stage of exerting his independence and you might see less of him than you anticipate. As time goes on he may also gain a more adult perspective and might be able to relate to you -here's hoping.

Croix