29 y/o virgin who failed at everything in life, I feel like giving up

[frog93]

Hi, it's my first post, sorry if it's in the wrong place. I really need help, please. I've been depressed for so long, every day I feel so much regret and sadness that it hurts physically in my chest. I can't keep living like this.

Even though I'm almost 30 I haven't achieved anything at all with my life. I'm worthless and a loser and I don't deserve to be alive. I still live with my mother, no job, no experience, no education beyond high school, no relationship. It's a long story... I was abused as a child / teenager and was traumatised, for over 10 years I've been crippled by anxiety and depression. This year I finally tried to get help, I was on medication and have talked to two psychologists, I've made progress in some ways but I know it's never going to "fix" me.

I know I need to get a job and move out, I know that should be the priority. But please, I just want to know how to deal with the regret, especially around relationships and being a virgin... I've missed out on so much. I'm never going to get to experience so many things that other young people do. It feels like my life is utterly pointless from here and I shouldn't even bother trying. I've missed out on the best part of life already, even if I somehow fixed everything from here, I can never get that time back and it will never be the same. It's so painful and it makes me not want to be here anymore. Not only that but the older you get the harder it is to meet people, it's most likely I'll die a virgin and never experience love. 

Maybe worst of all is how I always compare myself to others now, which I know is bad but I can't help it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren in my family, and yet I'm the only one who doesn't have a relationship. My sisters and cousins all have partners, all before me, some of them are over 10 years younger than me, it's so depressing. Also seeing couples together everywhere I go makes me cry, it hurts, I just want to be like them. Being alone your whole life and being a virgin at my age is just so shameful. 

Please, how can I stop feeling this way?

[sbella02]

Hey Frog93,

Thank you again for being so open and vulnerable with us. I'm sorry to hear that you're still having a difficult time, especially considering your recent struggles with potential infertility, that must be so incredibly difficult to process. Particularly if this news is delivered in a way that feels clinical and disconnected, I can understand your feelings here. 

If you feel that you aren't connecting as well as you would like to with your doctor, my advice would be to try somebody new. There are always professionals out there who will take the time to interact with respect, empathy, and understanding, offering a supportive environment for you to process difficult feelings and ask questions.

I know it may be easier to say this than to feel it but being male or female does not have to be defined by fertility. There is much more to masculinity than the ability to produce offspring, just like there is more to the female experience than the ability to bear children. Perhaps, if you would like to, you may consider exploring activities that make you feel more connected to your masculinity. It would be a small change but could be quite impactful if this causes you significant distress.

I can empathise with your feelings addressed in the last part of your post here. "I'm just a side character with no future". I can think of many times in my life where I've felt this to my core, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way now. What an incredibly isolating and helpless experience. I believe I suggested this in an earlier reply, but introspective activities like journalling and meditation can be really useful for grounding yourself in times when you're feeling quite low like this.

Crying can be a sign of strength, believe it or not. Emotional expression in such a way is healthy, and it can sometimes be the best way to give ourselves a little bit of relief of momentary strength. There's no need to be ashamed of your crying. 

Take care, and just know that we're here for you.

SB

[therising]

Hi frog93

It can be so hard to find people who can fully relate to the circumstances we face, from a mental, physical and soulful perspective. From a mental perspective, people might be able to relate to the dark and challenging internal dialogue that can come with depression. From a soulful perspective they might be able to relate to what heartbreak and other emotions feel like. When there are certain physical factors in play that are depressing us, all we can do is imagine what a person may be going through unless we face the same physical challenge/s. I think this is one of the reasons why finding people who can fully relate to what you're going through is so important, so you can have people in you're life who you can relate to.

Unless we've got super conscious guides in our life (with parents being a couple of those guides), there can be no one to guide us in the ways of living if we are outstanding in some way or different from the mainstream. Without any form of guidance/a lack of something, we can be left with nothing to reference other than our own suffering. Having nothing to reference or relate to, other than our own suffering, becomes a life of torture in a number of ways. Tormenting and depressing internal dialogue and heartbreak are definitely torturous. Such torture can go on for weeks, months or even years until we finally find what or who is relatable.

Do you know or can you see in your mind what types of relationships and/or guides you want? Do you want people who can completely relate to where you're at, at this time in your life, people who've been where you are? What about people who are guides in mental wellbeing, to perhaps help with the internal dialogue or help you gain a more constructive sense of identity? How about people who are more soulful types of guides, who can speak to a deeper part of you?

I believe there are various times in our life where we just can't manage alone. Some challenges are just too great for us to manage and make complete sense of. Sometimes we can be left feeling like we're some kind of 'mistake' or 'waste of space' only because we haven't yet found the space in which we're deeply valued and in which we feel our own value.