29 y/o virgin who failed at everything in life, I feel like giving up

[frog93]

Hi, it's my first post, sorry if it's in the wrong place. I really need help, please. I've been depressed for so long, every day I feel so much regret and sadness that it hurts physically in my chest. I can't keep living like this.

Even though I'm almost 30 I haven't achieved anything at all with my life. I'm worthless and a loser and I don't deserve to be alive. I still live with my mother, no job, no experience, no education beyond high school, no relationship. It's a long story... I was abused as a child / teenager and was traumatised, for over 10 years I've been crippled by anxiety and depression. This year I finally tried to get help, I was on medication and have talked to two psychologists, I've made progress in some ways but I know it's never going to "fix" me.

I know I need to get a job and move out, I know that should be the priority. But please, I just want to know how to deal with the regret, especially around relationships and being a virgin... I've missed out on so much. I'm never going to get to experience so many things that other young people do. It feels like my life is utterly pointless from here and I shouldn't even bother trying. I've missed out on the best part of life already, even if I somehow fixed everything from here, I can never get that time back and it will never be the same. It's so painful and it makes me not want to be here anymore. Not only that but the older you get the harder it is to meet people, it's most likely I'll die a virgin and never experience love. 

Maybe worst of all is how I always compare myself to others now, which I know is bad but I can't help it. I'm the oldest of the grandchildren in my family, and yet I'm the only one who doesn't have a relationship. My sisters and cousins all have partners, all before me, some of them are over 10 years younger than me, it's so depressing. Also seeing couples together everywhere I go makes me cry, it hurts, I just want to be like them. Being alone your whole life and being a virgin at my age is just so shameful. 

Please, how can I stop feeling this way?

[frog93]

Hi sbella

Thanks so much. I've never tried journaling but with the psychologist I'm seeing I do write down how I feel quite often and we talk about what I think about it, etc. It can definitely be helpful so I should be doing it more. Just good to get things off your chest that way at the very least.

I know that logically you're exactly right, there's no correct path through life and no set pace that everyone has to go at. I guess I just wish my own path had been different, I've missed out on so much. It's amplified when it comes to being a virgin and never having a relationship because I feel like I'm running out of time. When you're young it's the easiest and most common time to have relationships and to learn and grow from those experiences. At this point I think it's so much harder to find someone and being alone your whole life is a red flag in itself. Not only that but we also change so much over time, I wish I could've had those experiences when I was younger because I was so much more happy and optimistic and full of energy. It can never be the same now. 

I try to keep it in perspective, I don't think losing my virginity would magically change me or anything. I think it would really just be a huge relief and finally take away the shame and uncertainty. For most people who find a partner at a normal age, because they've done it once and had that experience they know it can happen again. They know from that point on that they're good enough, they're valuable, in another person's eyes they're worthy of being loved. For me, none of that is true, and I have no reason to think it will ever change because I've never had that experience.

Hmm, I'd say the thing I'm most proud of is probably my weight loss, I hope that's an okay answer. I was overweight until I was about 25, but I finally changed my diet and started exercising, by the end I had lost almost half my body weight, it was a big change. I always thought that if I could lose weight it would "fix" me and I'd finally be confident, it didn't work out that way but I'm still glad I did it.

Thank you 😞

[therising]

Hi frog93

I've found one of the great things about coming across a brilliant guidance book (aka 'self help book') is finally finding someone, such as the author, who can relate to where you're coming from to some degree. I found this to be the case with Anita Moorjani and her book 'Sensitive Is The New Strong'. Of course, we're not going to relate to every inch of a particular book but sometime parts of it can be enough to make some difference. Sensitivity is definitely a strength. No one really shows you how to master it unless you go looking or happen upon something that points to self mastery. When you're a sensitive/a feeler, it's helpful to know when and how to ramp up your sensitivity, when and how to turn the dial down, when to emotionally detach (either in favour of pure analysis or because someone or something's draining you) and when to recharge because you're just exhausted from feeling so much.

We can be in limbo for years and not realise until it starts to impact us. Nothing quite like a sense of urgency to leave us feeling pushed to get out of limbo. For a woman entering into one meaningless relationship after the other, feeling a ticking biological clock and a strong desire to have children will push her to find something other than meaningless relationships. Someone in their mid 40s or 50s who's sensing a lack of purpose while questioning the mind numbing daily grind in loveless job they've faced for years may feel limbo and the need to escape it, in search of meaning. With both scenarios, questioning becomes a part of the quest for change.

True love is a great energy. To reach a point of wanting to experience that energy is understandable. For those who've faced so many abusive relationships, there is a desperate longing to feel true love (in the way of giving and receiving). For those who are yet to find it, in a 1st meaningful relationship with a partner, the feeling can be just as strong. Some don't find it until a 2nd or 3rd marriage. No matter our age or circumstances, it is there to be found. Where to look remains the question.

[frog93]

Hi therising

Yes! That is so true I totally agree. For most of my life I felt completely alone and thought no one could relate. It's such a relief when you finally find someone who understands how you feel. I guess that's partly why the whole relationship thing is so difficult for me, because it's extremely rare for anyone else to actually be in this situation, I don't know anyone else who is. I see what you mean about controlling your sensitivity and that would help so much, I'm not sure I know how to do it though. Just in the last year something I've noticed is that I get angry sometimes, which I know isn't good, but it seems to be the only way for me to overcome feelings that would otherwise hold me back.

I know it's not exactly the same for men and women, but I think that sense of urgency is a big part of why my mental health became worse over the last few years. Because now I'm extremely aware that I'm running out of time, to the point that anything I do that isn't directly improving my situation makes me feel guilty and I can't enjoy it. I think I do feel that push to get out of limbo, but depression and anxiety push back harder, so I never seem to make any real progress.

Yeah, obviously I don't know how it feels to be in love but it seems to be one of the most fulfilling things there is in life. Seems like it's what motivates the majority of people deep down. Everyone is either married, in a relationship or recently out of one and looking for someone new. Every book, TV show and film tends to be centred around a love story. It's obviously one of the most important things to humans, sometimes I wish I could just stop caring about it.

[therising]

Hi frog93

I think anger can be a constructive emotion at times, positively fueling us. When it begins to get out of control to the point where we can no longer manage it, it's then that it becomes a problem.

There are so many individual facets when it comes to who we are, as a whole. While I can feel my intolerant sense of self triggered to life at times, which may sound a little like an angry ranting maniac on occasion, I like to keep it in check by channeling my inner sage at the same time. I think we all have an inner sage that speaks some sense into us. The 2 together (sometimes battling it out) can sound a little like:

Intolerant sense of self: I'm infuriated. Why should I have to tolerate so many goddamn stupid bleeping triggering comments and shutdowns from that bleeping person?! I'm going to let them have it, every bleeping expletive and thought that they need to bleeping hear. I've absolutely had enough of them degrading me

Inner sage: Do not go burning bridges right now, you'll regret it. Just calm down and take a few breaths'.

Channeling 2 facets at the same time really does feel like a battle on occasion. Another battle could involve the adventurer in us that dictates 'Do it. You'll love yourself for having achieved such an adventure' vs that fearful facet that may dictate 'You can't go on that adventure. What if something goes wrong'.

While there are a number of facets to who we are, it's helps to know as many of them as possible. With new experiences, more will come to life.

I've found the greatest love there is to be self love. There is no feeling that compares to coming to love your self. To love our self to life is definitely a challenge. We may do it in grand ways or in tiny everyday ways. While I sit outside glancing at the lemon tree in front of me, I ask 'Do I love myself enough to get up out of this chair and walk over and experience smelling the lemon blossoms (a truly beautiful aroma)?'. The answer is 'Yes' as I invest in some natural aromatherapy, a gift to myself.

Have a beautiful day frog93❤️

[ecomama]

Hey Froggy, you're VERY welcome! 

Yes I know stacks about my own healing journey.
I'm so grateful for my healing.
Sometimes what I've done myself can help others.
For this I'm even MORE grateful! 

ANY ONE who's endured childhood abuse, and done the work of recovery, knows all that crap is 100% on the abuser(s). We know. You're safe here.

You are family. 

The difference between then and now is this: 
THEN 100% responsibility is on the abuser(s). 
NOW is 100% responsibility on you. 

You may want to tap into your Psych and ask about childhood schemas and potential triggers happening around you? 
There's a LOT of healing potential in understanding why we react and behave as we've done (past tense). 

Sounds BIG huh? 
YES IT IS! and it's AMAZING! EXCITING! Wonderful! 

You can heal from this. 
You will heal from this. 
You ARE healing from this. 

This is OUR life and we are gonna take control of it starting in 5,4,3,2,1 NOW. 

You're good at visualising right?  
IMAGINE YOU are the Captain of Ship Froggy. 
YOU are right at the top of the helm, standing tall with a BIG huge steering wheel in your hands. (You can stand up and do this now if you like?)
The Ocean is spreading in front of you, wide, blue, green, sparkling silver tips on the waves. 
You feel GOOD with the ocean air cleansing your mind and body. 
Breathe IN and blow OUT. 

You're in control of the ship your healing journey is on. NOW to visualise your DREAM LIFE! 
Make a Dream Folder. Put ANYTHING and everything in there. You can print online pictures and or you can DRAW. You want a loving relationship? Put that in there! You want a Degree? Put that in there! You want a GREAT JOB? Put that in there! Great house, kids, awesome garden lol. 
Do this. Look at it regularly. 

It's all coming. 

Love EM

[sbella02]

Frog93,

I understand that. Sometimes when we look back at the various things we've done (or not done) over the course of our lives, the things that tend to be the most potent in our mind as regretful tend to be the opportunities we didn't take, or experiences we haven't had. But I suppose that not having these kinds of things may have allowed us to have different experiences, or learn perhaps what we would do in future. 

Congratulations on changing your diet and incorporating exercise into your lifestyle, that can be such a challenging thing to do. It's important to recognise things that we've done that we can feel proud of; it can help us feel good about ourselves and how much we may have grown or learnt from a particular experience. 

You are worthy of being loved, always. While a partner can be enriching for our lives, having another person present is not a prerequisite to feeling loved, which is something I'm also coming to learn more these days. It is important to love ourselves first and foremost, because this can also help us to recognise when we are being treated in a way that we do not deserve. 

Take care, and know that you are loved. 

SB

[Bookgirl]

Hi i was a virgin til over 30 and i know how you are feeling. It sucks but don't let it define you.  I am now married with a son. Hang in there.  I never had a boyfriend til i was over 30,  You are so not let alone.

[frog93]

Sorry it's been a while, I haven't been doing well

I saw the doctor this week and he confirmed some things I've always worried about myself. Such as that I have hormone problems, and I'm most likely infertile. At least now I know that's why I'm so different and why my body doesn't look right, or work properly. I've never felt like a man and now I know it's true, I'm useless. 

Thank you all

[therising]

Hi frog93

I hope when the doctor spoke with you he spoke with great consideration, in regard to your feelings and perception. I think some doctors can be too 'matter of fact' without being more 'matter of perception and emotion', from their patient's viewpoint.

Perhaps looking into support groups or constructive literature on the topic might prove to be of some help in the way forward. People who can offer a different perspective on the topic might be able to open your mind to seeing it from a different angle, one that entails less harsh self judgement.

I think when our life changes through news or circumstance, a new way forward needs to be established. Through news or circumstance our identity (how we identify our self) can suddenly change. Perhaps identifying with others who face a similar challenge could be one of the ways forward.

Might sound like a strange question but do you feel like you're grieving in some way? I feel for you so much, given how deeply this news has impacted you.

[frog93]

Hi therising how are you? I hope things are good

The doctor was pretty straightforward and to the point about it, I haven't been seeing him for long, because my old doctor who was really nice moved away recently. So he doesn't really know much about me.

Yeah I do feel like I'm grieving in a way, I guess it's worse now after finding this out but I've felt this way for a long time. I think because I didn't have a childhood and I've missed out on everything that other young people experience. I guess it's like grieving your own life in a way, when you realise you'll never be fulfilled or happy. 

I feel like I was never meant to be born, I'm a mistake, no parent would want this if they knew how I was going to turn out. I don't feel part of anything, I'm just a side character with no future. If I stop distracting myself even for a few minutes I just feel this wave of despair, I feel so empty and hopeless that I just can't stop crying until I distract myself again. It's so pathetic.