Hi everyone,
Where to begin? Not really sure myself, I'm feeling like the walls are closing in on me and no matter how much push I give, they just keep closing in.
It kind of all started last year in earnest although I did have a stint on an SSNRI a few years ago. My sister's health declined over the year before she passed on a few months ago. It left me feeling pretty rubbish since there was a lot left unsaid. Everything was left on a sour note years prior. You see, I grew up in a rather closed group that shunned society. A few years ago I traded that social group to pursue University. I never went to school as a child, or even did home-school. I was a free-range child. The community was, it still is, close knit. Everyone helps each other, everything is a group effort. It is idyllic in many ways, however, there is a strong in and out group dynamic. One can't be inside the group and participate in general life activities. If you are outside the group you are avoided and shunned like a team traitor.
That's how I lost contact with my sister, by being an outsider. Information, as sparse as it was, arrived to me months later from family. There was also a push to bring me back into the fold by guilt tripping me. A ultimatum of sorts, come back and you can talk to your dying sister. This was all on the back of my final year at university. The academic pressure felt intense, but it was a reprieve, something to hide behind while the real pressure came from my family. I bounced from studying to drinking at night and playing a myriad of video games. I graduated, but I wasn't really ready to graduate. I wasn't ready for the job searching and interviewing. I was there at University to escape life, not to build to something more. It came to an end, my course, I graduated, and then I suddenly had nothing. I was standing with a piece of paper, and a desire to hide away. I struggled, I got a few interviews, but being depressed, I mumbled and fumbled. I was even told that I needed to speak more.
Now I am still here, still feeling the same, still hiding away behind anything from my family. Video games, news, political forums. Anything that can sink time in a day and keep the feels back. Now I am feeling tired, so tired of it. I feel angry as well, like I could do something dumb. Fantasies of white hot anger mixed with hours of spacing out watching the endless dance of YouTube videos about a myriad of asinine topics.
I'm drowning myself in pointless minutia to hide.
