Why does my mind purposely try to scare myself
It starts off with anxious thoughts, "what if something bad happens", " what if everything is going to be hard for the rest of your life" or "what if you won't be able to handle this for much longer"
The it goes into self hatred, "your a toxic person", "your fake" or the hardest "your purposly making yourself sad because you like being mentally ill"
I don't know what to do or belive anymore. What if I'm actually making myself mentally ill?
I recall 1987 with a therapist. He asked me how the week wnet. I replied about my fears- of falling into a river than was flooding, of my father dying but was then in good heath and 5 or 6 other fears. He said "you need to consider what is realistic and what is not. If its unrealistic eg likely not to happen then reject it or it will cloud your mind.
Indeed I learned to reject such thoughts but it took time as my mind was programmed to think negatively from my upbringing. To help with that I went to motivation lectures and read books on motivation. Read-
Sadness can be a hollow we fall into on a cycle that we develop, if I'm any example. It can also be part of an illness like Dysthymia or depression (I have both plus bipolar2). So there can be reasons for sadness without obvious prompting so that calls for a GP visit and a chat. You could also be somewhat self destructive in condemnation of yourself. This could be low self esteem and/or a dislike of yourself for any number of reasons. This also could benefit from therapy. Sometimes therapy just results in a push in the right direction and away you go onto the better path of confidence and control so try not to think about the process as a doom and gloom journey more like a discovery of your capabilities and moving on from the influences that resulted in where you are now. This discovery is a exciting and productive way of living and it wont be long before people love your company because, you like yourself for who you are.
Mountain climbers would all fall if they occupied their minds with the drop...