Why can't I be happy?

[Crygirl87]

Hi. I am 28. I am safe. Loved. Financially stable. My marriage is very loving and I have a wonderful partner in life. My children are wonderful. And I am miserable. I have been sad for as long as I can remember.

I have always got anxiety over one thing or another and I have thoughts about someone coming to hurt me or having a car accident that kills me.

I don't know if that means I am suicidal as I wouldn't deliberately kill myself. I don't want to hurt anyone.

[pipsy]

Hi Crygirl.  I feel so sorry for how bad you're feeling.  You have so much, yet you're not as happy as you should be.  You have everything in life that girls dream of, happy stable marriage, children.  It sounds to me like the one thing you're missing possibly is a mum or close friend you can call on to gossip about your life with.  All girls need to know that apart from hubby and children, they have their own mum for the nourishment needed to nurture them when they need it.  Hubby and kids give us the love they can, which is great, but when we want to confide in someone outside, it's nice to know we can.  Have you ever been in an accident, if you have, the thought of another one would just about stop you from getting into a car.  If you haven't, but have seen car accidents on t.v, they're sickening and yes frightening.  I don't feel you're suicidal, if you do feel that way, have you tried phoning BB on their 24/7 phone line?  Did you have a happy home life before you met hubby?  Have you tried telling hubby how you feel?  If you have and he's not 'getting' it, try writing down your feelings of anxiety and general sadness.  Is there anybody you're really close to that could help you.  Have you thought about seeing a counselor?  If you could arrange to see a G.P (take hubby with you, if he'll go) to get some counselling, would that help, do you think? Maybe seeing a G.P about mild antidepressants, just to help you when you're at your lowest.  A possible short term solution, but worth thinking about.  Some relaxation techniques as well.  Do you have any form of hobby, that as well as relaxation could be quite beneficial.    

You're never alone.  BB is ALWAYS here.  No matter how 'black' things seem to be, there's always light at the end.  I wish I could give you a big hug to show you how much I care.   

[white knight]

Hi Crygirl,

The lovely Pipsy has sent you some great advice.

I'm a brute of a man at 125kg and have done work as a warder in jails, security guard and the like. But most of my life I cried like a baby sometime out of control like a grief.

I had a school friend once that never cried. Then 30 years later his lovely dad died. At the gravesite my friend cried uncontrollably. A few days later he thanked me for supporting him. Then I asked him how he felt when he cried. He said it was the worse feeling he had ever felt. I then told him that that was hoe I felt every second day. He realised what I was going through.

Then about 6 years later a very good psychiatrist diagnosed me with dysthymia, a low mood depression. Also I had depression, anxiety and bipolar type 2. I started meds and am here today with no crying to speak of except natural crying in times of real upset.

So there is help out there. As Pipsy said, start with your GP.

There are a few articles I've written that could help. Google these-

"Topic: what life's like at the end of the tunnel- beyondblue"

"Topic: is crying good or bad for you- beyondblue"

"Topic: depression- a ship on the high seas- beyondblue"

Good luck.  Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hey Crygirl

I am sorry for the way you feel...the feelings are awful

The Brave White Knight & Pipsy have got it right. ...I do hope you have a one or two people that you can 'bounce' off.

What you said about " I have been sad for as long as I can remember"....That made me nearly cry....seriously

Please let us know how you are going....and if it means anything, your pic says volumes....very very nice...you are kind, caring and strong...:-)

Kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Crygirl87]

My mum is alive and we see each other regularly and my sister and I are quite close. But you cant talk about how you feel with my mum she always takes things the wrong way.  Mum and dad have a pretty disfuntional relationship and always have. He is very insensitive and has always treated my mum like rubbish. And she picks fights when she is in a mood. 

I was anxious and sad very young, preschool age is as far back as I remember. From primary school I had difficulty making friends and went weeks on end sitting by myself. And crying myself to sleep at night. I have just been sad for a long time. 

But I would rate my childhood pretty high compared to others. 

[Crygirl87]

I love horses. I have had horses in my life from around 7. I am the only one in my family who has an interest in them. After obsessively drawing them and talking about them and pretending to be one or ride one my mum got me riding lessons. Then they bought me a horse when I was 10. I was always happy if a horse was around and I  still am. Although the last few months I have been avoiding doing things with horses  and I don't know why. Because I know it makes me happy.

Im busy with the kids and I help out on our cattle station and do the after school activities. And housework/dinners ect. But when I have down time and could go and have a nice trail ride I end up just laying on my bed. My daughter has anxiety as well and she is seeing a child psychologist and it is helping us a lot. I know what I should do I just have no energy left to drive hours away to talk to someone who gets paid to listen to my non-issues.

Medication could help. I have tried one anti-depressant after my first was born but it just stopped me feeling altogether. I wasnt sad but I didnt feel happy or excited. I didnt feel love or anger. I was like a zombie. I stopped taking them when we started trying for another baby. I haven't taken medicine for about 6 years. And I have been to a gp about a year ago and told her that I feel anxious all the time and she told me to take vitamin b6. Which I did for a while but I am hopeless at remembering to take vitamins. Maybe I should see a gp and get a referral to a psychiatrist and get them to prescribe something better.

I haven't been in a car accident. I just think the worst a lot.

When I spend time with friends I always feel like I have made a fool of myself. Or they don't really want to talk to me they are just polite. I don't feel very interesting. I am a hard worker. I can muster and do stockwork. I can fix the hydrolics on a tractor and lay cement. But its like its my husbands career. I don't feel like I can hold my head up with other women who are teachers and nurses. Like I am lazy or unintelligent. 

I am feminine in the way I speak and dress but I have masculine jobs to do. Which I enjoy but I don't feel it's much to be proud of. 

I love to draw but hardly anyone knows that I can sketch pretty well. And paint with oils. I haven't really done any art since my kids were born. Only craft with them. 

[Crygirl87]

Not sure why I am saying all the this. I just feel like no one really knows me. 

[pipsy]

Hi Crygirl.  From your posts, you are extremely multi-talented.  You are also extremely lonely.  Seeing a G.P for a referral to see a psychiatrist would be a good place to start.  You're not really describing general depression here, it could be something else.  I'm not a psych, or G.P, you really need to talk to a G.P to get some more information.  I really don't feel a counsellor would be able to help you at this stage, until you talk to your G.P.  Depression has so many different 'hats' if you like.  If it is a low mood depression, there are meds that can get you back on track.  Have you rung BB on our 24/7 phone line to talk to one of our trained counsellors.  Not for counselling, as such, but to get an idea of whether your depression is a low mood type.   Once you know what you're dealing with, the medication will help.  It's pointless taking medication if what you take doesn't work.  Remember, all medications will take a bit of time to start working.  If it goes longer than say, a week, go back to your Dr for a review.  Unfortunately, with any medication, we have to be guinea pigs till we find the one that works.  This is where patience with a capital P comes in.  Your Dr, when he prescribes the medication, should be able to advise how long before you start feeling better, usually about a week.  Would your husband go with you to the Dr, if he can't or won't, is there anybody who can go?  As you said your mum wouldn't be much help, I'm so sorry for you, there.  The only other alternative, as I said earlier, is writing down how the medication makes you feel, even if you feel nauseas.  Try writing down your moods before and after taking the medication.  The more the Dr knows the more he can help you.  Ask about possible side effects, so you know what to expect. 

We do care, here.  Also try downloading the articles Tony has suggested.

[Whispa]

Hi Crygirl, 

i have just came across your post, and honestly it feels as though I have written it myself. 

I feel so much the same ways. The near perfect life, yet always a cloud of sadness above me. I too am constantly worried about someone coming to hurt me, I feel inadequate around other people, like they are just tolerating me, but that I'm not as intelligent, capable or valued as them. Basically substandard and overlooked. Right down to the love of horses, been riding my whole life, but motivation has just disappeared. I've been doing that for so long now that got myself believing I have lost my ability with them, and make every excuse under the sun to avoid it in case I fail at it. 

Im sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, I have a giant headache but want to reply as it was a big deal to me to read about someone whose battle is as similar to mine more than I can believe. It feels so reassuring and I can sympathise with you. You sound like a very strong, capable intelligent woman, I hope things are looking up for you at the moment, keep being strong 😊