I think I’ve got SAD.. & just feel like I need to vent a little.
Just abit of a background. Put simply.. growing up I was the wild, chubby, loud kid who had plenty of friends.. from pre school up until 7th grade. And now, hardly any friends. There’s one particular thing that I can remember from my childhood that sort of stands out to me.. not really the reason for my situation today but I think important nonetheless.
As I said, growing up I was the loud outspoken one. I loved tennis and was one day playing with my friend, & my brother his friend.. from memory I was about 12-13 years old. Fast forward back at home arguing with my brother, he tells me that his friend ask him who I thought I was? Why do I have to be so loud & energetic? Why do I have to be such a smartass? And that I’m not normal. Dunno, but pretty normal & average behaviour for a 12-13 year old I think?
Now you would think this would have no bearing on me at this age. But for some reason it began to really sink in and I became abit more self conscious. Through high school I became reserved & not as out going. I had a couple of friends but was considered the outsider when it came to big groups & I didn’t really have any contact with girls as the high school I went to was an all boys school. I didn’t realise how bad I was until I’d finished school.
I started my first job & the thought of making new friends was exciting, but never really happened. I was quiet, shy, weird & seen as weak and the easiest person to make fun of. I felt as though people were judging me whenever I said or did something. So I made no friends at my first job. Started my second job at 18 & was again the same thing.. just this time a little different because I was working mainly with older people. I noticed I became a little ‘depressed’, walking around slumped all the time & just not wanting to talk to people. I made a couple of older friends here.. but none that I really have a close bond with. Stayed at this job for 7 1/2 years & made my way up the ranks. It was here that I realised I’m naturally switched on & smart.. but I simply had no confidence in myself at all.
Super fast forward to today & I’m 2 weeks into another new job. To get here was no easy feat.. 2,000 applicants whittled down to 30. Again, I’m finding myself left out of groups. I’m currently interstate in a shared hotel room as the job requires it.
There are groups & close friendships forming, but I’m not part of any of them.
