What is disassociation like for you?

anon143 · ‎30-01-2021

How long did it take you to realise you disassociate? What do you “see”? How does it feel for you? What does time feel like while it’s happening? What’s going on in your mind in that exact point in time? Do you do it often? Do you know your triggers?

I recently only learned that I disassociate from highly stressful and anxious situations. I never really took notice of these feelings I guess I was very good at disassociating I never really questioned what was happening with my body until I really had a think about it and listened to my therapist as she described some of the ways you can disassociate & reasons why we do and how we become to disassociate.

For myself personally I feel almost as if I have tunnel vision and everything kind of fades to a staticky black and grey tv screen and around it is like a black border. Physically I look like (or what I think I look like) is someone just staring off into space. My mind is going 1000 times an hour overthinking every single scenario but never being able to focus on one thought. I can hear everyone’s conversations talking at once but I can’t focus on it. I think I can stay like this for a few minutes at least until I ‘snap’ out of it. My body usually feels tense and my hands and feet get sweaty. I usually feel exhausted by the time I get out of that situation too and I tend to hibernate and stay home sometimes for weeks at a time.

Croix · ‎02-02-2021

Dear Anon143~

I'd think that the feelings of disassociation could be quite different for different people. I can tell you of mine, and that it came about when I was badly suffering from PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Sometimes it would reach the stage where I did not know myself at all, I did not know why I shouted at my partner, or wanted just to be alone or acted in many different ways.

It was almost as if I was standing on the far side of a huge smoky glass sheet watching myself and my life, with no understanding, wondering why the me I was watching did what he did.

I knew in a general sort of way I had loved my partner, but now felt nothing, no love, in fact I did not know if I was even capable of love.

These sessions increased as time went on, however eventually I received the competent medical support I'd needed from the stat and improved -over time - out of sight.

I had left it far too long which made matters much harder to treat, but now I'm good, no disassociation, and a life I enjoy and is well worth living.

I hope that helps, feel free to sing out if you like

Croix

Thepostman · ‎02-02-2021

Hey anon143,

I've only recently fully accepted in the last 18 months that I have anxiety, and even more recently realised I dissociate. I've been struggling since I was about 12 (now 20), and I believe the dissociation started around 14-15ish. I was in a dissociative trans for a good few years, only allowing me to process what was going on when I was finally having gaps in my dissociation.

I've come leaps and bounds in the last 6 months, understanding myself much more. Everything stems from social anxiety, a fear of being viewed as useless or becoming an outcast, being abandoned. I have different states of dissociation that I enter. Sometimes I'll lose touch with who I am as a person. I know what I like and who I am, but I don't, and all my desires seize to exist. Other times I know exactly who I am, but I'm stuck behind a glass wall, not being able to interact. Sensory experience varies the most, where I'll take in everything, but nothing is processed, and other times there's just a wall where no information gets in. My thoughts can sometimes be normal, not negative, although I'm still dissociated, on the other hand, I can knit pick everything I do down to the thoughts I think, pulling my self apart. Other times, like today, my thoughts are dream like. My mind will look at something and provide an abstract, random illogical connection to it which makes no real world sense. I can't focus and the information is coming in, but it's not sticking or being processed right. Simple mental tasks like maths becomes incredibly hard. My observations become simplified. I'll see everything, but my mind only keeps the main parts. Instead of seeing a brown house with a white piquet fence, with a flower garden lining the driveway, I see a house. But even that can be put into question in my mind, because thoughts become unreliable. Sometimes I'll find myself extremely tired, and as soon as I stop doing anything stimulating, I will fall asleep.

I track my dreams, and I've found that has been a good way to gauge my mental state, as there's a lot of correlations between my daytime and nighttime mind. Meditation also helps a great deal, although for days like today, I'll just fall asleep. Something to consider trying.

Hopefully that spill provides some insight.

anon143 · ‎02-02-2021

Wow, thank you for your insight, to a certain extent I can actually relate to what you’re saying and couldn’t put it in words myself. I do hope you keep finding ways that help you, I will try meditation again but for some reason I never make it habit.

Thepostman · ‎03-02-2021

If your serious about giving meditation a try, I'd recommend the 'Waking Up' app by Sam Harris. A yearly subscription is expensive, although there is, I believe 5 days free of the introduction course. He also provides subscription free of charge for anyone that can not afford the app. A morning routine, I find is the best way to make it a habit. Same time everyday.

If you're keen, check it out and tell me what you think