what am I doing

[dougall]

I do not know how to use this site and was looking for someone just to chat with.  I suffer from anxiety and have been suicidal quite a few times over the past 2years.  I have a husband who left because he did not want to know and kept saying get over it already.  Have a son who copes by hiding in his room playing games.  Have no family all abroad.  Find myself trying to push myself out of the quick sand and occasionally slipping under.  Made a promise to son so have not gone as far as I have wanted to.  Had counseling for 12 months. just don't know where or what to do as anxiety stops me from talking to total strangers.  Very lonely and confused as to what is expected of me.

[dougall]

Hi Hideaway thank you.  I don't want to go through another night like last night.  My son came home suffering what I think was anxiety.  He had just been dropped off by his day who did not even have the decency to come in and make sure he was okay.  The guy who threatened me ended up in hospital, don't know why as yet, the woman he was with was suicidal so my ex husband left her alone in the caravan.  Why is it that everything is my fault yet he left his friend and girlfriend here knowing full well they should have gone.  I don't want to see him anymore as this is what he always did, blamed me for sticking up for myself.  I have to see him because of our son so not seeing him will never happen.  Have rang him to check on the woman in the caravan, his comment was she is alright she is in the caravan.  What do I do.  I just want a peaceful life without being told everything that goes wrong is my fault.  Thank you for caring.

[dougall]

Hi Hideaway last night I had to phone the help line on this site and it was the first time I felt listened too.  I needed that so much.  I can't remember most of the conversation, they did keep telling me to breath, I must have been holding my breathe.  They made me calm down quite a bit and made me feel I wasn't crazy.  My head is not in a good space so today is going to be a real corker.  Tears are streaming down my face, I need a hug, can't get one, sorry rambling.

[HA1]

Hi Dougall - good to hear from you.

You are not rambling, so no need to be sorry.  And I am glad you phoned the BB support line, very good decision. 

Sending you a cyber hug hoping that it makes you feel better, and starts you back on the road to a better day and headspace.

take care

K

[dougall]

Hi Hideaway thank you got the hug.  I am dreading the day, don't know what is going to happen.  Have to see my ex and my son has work to go to so will be on my own, too much time to think.  I feel so frustrated, I just want to scream, did last night.  The last time I screamed like that I tried suicide.  I'm not at that point yet, close.  This is why I am chatting at the moment.  Need to know it is not all my fault and I do have a place, feeling so small at the moment, I could disappear.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[pdent]

Hug from me too

You must try and get some sleep now..all teenage parties are disasters so this is no fault of yours ..so yes your feeling just like anyone would

Try and think your lucky if no one got hurt.and you won't have to have anymore parties

Your friend

Pete

[dougall]

Thanks Pete I am lucky to have two hugs.  It wasn't the teenager it was the adults that caused the mess, my son was the only one trying to help.  It was like facing my father and being verbally abused only this time I stood my ground.  My husband has never backed me up at anytime and last night he ran away.  I really need different people in my life.  I am glad I have you and Hideaway as it makes me feel as if there is a glimmer of hope and I am not as bad as ex says.  Is it wrong to be honest with people?  I can't sleep mind racing. Why didn't my ex take his friends with him when he left, he knew what was going to happen.  This is a question that will never be answered.  After many years of being told it is your fault it is hard to not think that  way.  If I have anymore parties it will be with people I like and no booze involved.

[dougall]

If I did not have this I don't think I would be alive right now, it has saved my life because people do care about me and I am so so grateful for that.

[HA1]

People do care, and I am glad that postings on here have made a difference.  That us what it is all about, we give a lot and then we need support we receive.  

Look after yourself, get plenty of sleep and also find some distractions.

K

[dougall]

thanks Hideaway have found out more about what happened last night when the two people concerned left.  It wasn't my fault and I did not overreact.  When tidying up this morning I checked how much was drank last night, I was astonished, I had a bottle of wine and between 3 of them they went through a bottle of bourbon, vodka, Drambuie and cans of jacks. No wonder it turned into a volatile night.  Have got rid of all the booze and will not have anymore in my home. Goes without saying the person that threatened me will never be in my home.  I told my son I was proud of him the way he handled himself.  Now in the light of day I am quite proud of myself for not being bullied and understanding that I can resolve things without having to take drastic measures.  That was a lightbulb moment.  My day will only get better.  The cuddles helped thanks.

[HA1]

Hi Dougall - how are you today?