Unwanted anxious feelings around happiness

[reecemiley]

I am struggling to understand why when I come close to happiness I become extremely nervous , my anxiety goes into overdrive to the point that I feel I am losing control. I feel in my mind that in order to release these feelings I destroy the possibility of happiness. my relationship is strained from this and it has been happening for quite sometime now. I cant seem to release from these feelings quickly and I become low for several days after. I feel like in my moments of my anxiety I am fighting with my own mind. Is it normal with anxiety to not trust well or is this my way of keeping happiness away in order to not have these moments ?

[hope4joy]

Hi Melissa - thanks for dropping by to let me know - how was your day?

I look forward to hearing from you later 🙂 Christina

[Melissa74]

Hi Christina

My day was fairly good. How was yours?

My story is long and quite complex. But I will ket you in so to speak.

I am 42, married 16 years to my soul mate and have a 12 year old daughter.

I live in Qld and work in accounts.

My parents split up while my Mum was pregnant with me. My Dad took my older brother and I stayed with Mum.

My Mum moved in with my Step Dad when I was 18 months old. Life was fairly good growing up but I did spend a lot of time on my own. I can remember being quite an anxious child but hid it very well.

Fast forward to when I was 17. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 years later. I was gutted and it broke my heart. I bumbled along for years and things were ok. About 4 weeks after I got married I had massive anxiety/ panic attacks. I worked through it and was fine until 3 years later when I badly burnt myself and it was back. I recovered from that then I found out that I was pregnant. After I gave birth I had dreadful PND & anxiety. This is when I went to the Dr and was prescribed an antidepressant. I started out on 50mg. I had a lot of counseling and learned that I wasnt a shit Mum. I was fine until 3 years ago when I had weight loss surgery. Two days after the surgery BANG the panic/anxiety just smashed me. I had it on and off for 3 months. In this time I saw a clinical psychologist, acupuncture and Chinese herbs. My medication was increased to 200mg and I did a mindfulness course. I again worked through it. Now I moved 7 hours away 5 weeks ago. All was good till I got a job and here we go again. I will admit that I have dealt with this the best ever. I live in fear it will come back.

I worry that this will eventually become too much and I will end up alone in a psych ward.

I just always seem to have this lingering in my mind. It is exhausting. When will my happiness return. More importantly when will I allow myself to be happy.

Hope this makes sense. Thanks for listening.

Take care

Melissa

[hope4joy]

Hi Melissa,

Thanks so much for sharing here. Reading through what you wrote I got the sense that you are a resilient strong person who has overcome difficulty on many occasions, each time seeking help and making changes to get through that hurdle. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum passing. I'm glad to hear that you found and married your soul mate.

My parents also separated when I was young - before I turned one. And I had one older sister. I'm just wondering, do you have a connection with your brother? It sounds like you grew up quite apart.

Its also great that you can acknowledge that for this recent bout of anxiety you managed incredibly well. It seems that when you have a major stress it sends your emotions into a overwhelmed state. Like it just gets too much. I'm just wondering, do you try to never feel anxious? Because so many of the things you described would bring anxiety / low mood in others - and I know for me that if I try to suppress emotions - at some point I burst and feel them very intensely. I'm also wondering, it seems like you only reach out for professional support when things become overwhelming. Have you considered having counselling when you feel pretty good as well - sort of like a little top up when you see them, and also someone to talk to if you feel your mood slipping? It might sound odd but I think my most transformative therapy work is often when I feel quite good, because I have more energy for it. When I'm struggling my counselling just helps me keep the status quo. It sounds like something really worthwhile to explore, your question "when will I allow myself to be happy". You deserve to be happy now!

Yeah I hear you about worrying that things will become worse and we'll need admitting to a psych hospital. I'm not sure how to dispute that one - I guess that we've overcome big challenges in the past without that happening - and if we needed a short respite with such a service that might be okay too. Maybe its okay to reach out for help and support.

Thanks I had a good day - I work with kids on a holiday camp and got lots of smiles yesterday and impromptu dancing and singing! Today is the last day of the camp.

Please be gentle and kind to yourself Melissa,

Kind wishes, Christina

[Melissa74]

Hi Christina

I would like to keep chatting if you would.

Take care

Melissa

[hope4joy]

Hi Melissa,

that'd be nice.

I'm struggling a lot tonight. So lonely. And feeling like a social failure 😞

Kind wishes, Christina

[Melissa74]

Sorry to hear that Christina.

Do you know any other way for us to communicate?

Have you got something to distract you? colour in a lot as it distracts me.

Take care

Melissa

[hope4joy]

Hi Melissa,

Sorry I didn't realise you meant to chat outside the forum. Unfortunately on these forums we aren't about to share personal contact information - like email or phone - in light of keeping everyone safe and maintaining people's privacy. I have used a forum in the past that allowed personal messaging, so it can vary by site. I'm happy to keep chatting on this thread. You can also join in on other threads/ start a new one in order to connect and get the most from the forums. I hope that's okay for you.

Kind wishes, Christina