Okay I find it difficult to explain what I exactly want to say, but I'll try my best by throwing in some examples from my day to day life (a somewhat awkward attempt).
To put it in simple words I feel very disturbed with my own thoughts from time to time; despite the fact that they never really seem abnormal to the average person. The way I see my own feelings massively influences the way I perceive the things or events or individuals which have resulted in that feeling - one of the reasons why I am often recognized as strange for spontaneously cutting contact with another person and giving no reasons whatsoever. It's really hard to describe but in these cases I all of a sudden think of myself as unworthy of having social interaction with.
An example would be being jealous of someone's achievements, I can easily see it coming when I think that way - and I would feel like a pessimistic sewer rat even though I don't want to. If I was crying I would cry even harder because now I am an incompetent, annoying, self-and-others-hating sewer rat.
Another less obvious but a bit more complicated one is that I am in my late teenage years yet I have never ever liked a person whatever gender they might be. For a long time I thought that is just my sexuality perhaps or I just haven't had a chance to put my mind that way, but no, I would feel affection for people yet condemn myself immediately after in my subconscious mind that it is utterly disgusting and shallow of me to hold romantic feelings for some person whom I haven't known for a long time. Sometimes these feelings persist and as if activating a defense mechanism I freeze. in worse cases I would vomit. Same goes with befriending someone, I always doubt myself for if the words that come out of my mouth are not genuine I would be embarrassed to even look at the person. This has been going on for quite a while now so it just comes naturally, I stop developing any form of attraction towards new people. Or it just doesn't last long before I cut it off myself.
I also despise myself sometimes for focusing too much on my physical appearance, which must not be regarded as important whatsoever.
